So Many Wins

      I got some pretty big wins this week, and I needed them. Today was huge in this, but let's go in order. Oh, I must point out the terrifying moment on Monday when I realized that I had misplace my driver's license. I went grocery shopping on Monday morning like I normally do, but when I went to check out, I noticed my blue card where my license should be. My blue card is that temporary license for doing security work, which I had placed directly under my license. I started brain storming where my license could be, mind you that I needed that for the meeting I had on Tuesday with my new employer. I finally came to the conclusion that I had left it at the classroom where I did that baton/handcuff/OC spray certification. I called up the instructor and told him I would be up there when they took lunch. That meant a special trip to Maitland which is on the other side of Orlando. I made it there before lunch so I had to interrupt class. As I got to the door I heard the instructor saying that they were just about to break so I knocked and he came to the door. He greeted me with a smile and told me that my license was in fact there and invited me in. I said hi to the new glass and apologized for interrupting them and told them that I was where they were not too long ago. That's when the instructor came out with my license and asked me to address the glass and tell them about my experience and and pointers I could give them to help them out. I was more than happy to do that, so I took court and laid it all down for them. I told them about how they needed to take good notes, and keep slide notes separate from video notes, and how they really needed to listen to the instructor and trust what he had to say. Then I wrapped it up by confirming what he would have already told them about Thursday, which as I mentioned before is professional Thursday. I reiterated to them that there was no reason to leave that class without a job and how I had two offers that were waiting on Federal clearance. (more on that later). Then I mentioned how they really did need to dress nice for the day, and threw in the old saying, "Dress for the job you want, and not the job you have". That got some wide approval. Then I wished them good luck and apologized again for interrupting.

     With my license in hand, I was ready for Tuesday now. This was when I finally met the hiring manager and the site manager for the first time, so I could fill out the applications for that clearance. One problem though, I still didn't have my birth certificate. I had to apply for a certified copy and new that it would take about a week to 10 days before it arrived. Since I was in that stand still I mentioned I signed up for the G license course. Big problem there, I needed 3 magazines for the class, and although I had ordered 3 more for my gun, there was no guarantee that they would be here in time. I got the shipping notification Tuesday morning, so I saw that as a plus, but still tracking would take up to 24 hours. I still wasn't safe. I figured worst case scenario was that I ended up renting a gun from the instructor. I was going on to that class no matter what. Anyway, the meeting on Tuesday went well even though I'm in the holding pattern of remaining employed but jobless. I also got the news that I was getting another certification under my belt with them. CPR was on the list of things I planned on doing on my own, but now I didn't have to, the company was taking care of it and they could certify me at the office on Thursday. That's another win, because I got the certification and didn't have to pay for it. Double bonus on that one.

     Later on Tuesday I got the notification that my birth certificate was on the way, they still mentioned 5-10 days so it was going to take time and wouldn't interfere with taking the G course. Thursday came and went, got CPR certified and a level I hadn't anticipated. It wasn't just CPR and Heimlich, but also wound care, burn treatment, drug overdose care, and even more. It was pretty intense. I got home to find out that my magazines were going to show up that day, 2 days ahead of schedule. I was stoked. I only had to get ear and eye protection for the range. Ears were easy, just stopped at the gun shop and bought a compact pair, but they had no eyes, then I remembered that I had an old pair of Oakley's with interchangeable lenses, and one of those lenses is clear and ballistic tested. Score again with another win. I got those approved today.

     I'm just going to skip to today since Friday was really uneventful other than the first day of G class. Today was the first step in qualifying for my G license. We had to bring our guns so that we could do a lot of dry firing, learning proper technique in handling the gun, that meant the draw how to hold and point the gun in a safe manner as well as so so much more. The end of class was the written exam and the safety inspection. The failure on either of those meant you didn't make it to the range tomorrow to do the final qualifying which was shooting with live rounds. For the safety inspection you had to display proper technique in the draw, competency in fixing a jam in a quick and safe manner, single hand firing techniques with both hands, and speed and retention loading. I'm not going to go into what those are, but you can guess it has to do with putting the magazines in the gun. Now, if when I heard him reading off the scores for the written exam and the tests where in the order he received them, mine was the second to last on the bottom, since I was the second person to turn mine in. That test was 100%. I'm kind of really wanting that hundred percent. The two around that were 96 and 98, which aren't bad, but I feel like that 100 would be another big win. Tomorrow will be the first time I fire a gun since I was like 16. I have a story about why it's been that long, but let's finish out today first. There's more for this day.

     I got home checked the mail and there were two letters, well three letters in there for me. One was my pay stub for getting paid for doing the onboarding last week. Very small amount but it still counts as a paycheck. The other two were bigger, way bigger. The first was from the Florida Department of Agriculture. It was my D license. It came way sooner than I expected it to be here. When I left the appointment I had there last week, they told me that it would take 90 days and that after 5 weeks I could go to this site mentioned on my receipt to check on the status of my license. To say I was blown away is an understatement. The other letter was my birth certificate. It got here a few days early, but I'm going to wait until Monday to call it in, for two reason. The first is that I have the range tomorrow for final qualification, and Monday I have another appointment with FDoA to get my conceal carry license. Oh yeah, one more reason. For my G license I need to get my employer to sponsor me so that I may be able to get an active temporary license while I'm waiting for the real thing to arrive. I feel that I need to actually pass qualification first before I do that, but if I do, I can turn in the BC as well as get that paperwork signed at the same time. I did go ahead and make an appointment for the 3 of May for that application with the FDoA. I found out I need to get a physical as part of that whole thing, so I need to try to make an appointment for that this week to knock it out of the way. I know, I'm talking as if I'm confident I will pass qualification, but I really don't know if I will. It's not going to be easy but I'm going to give it my all.

    Ok, quickly to that story on shooting guns. When I was 16 or so, I had this friend that was a bit of a delinquent. He had a few guns and decided we needed to go out and shoot them. Of my friends at that time, I was the only one that had any prior experience actually shooting guns, so I laid a few rules down. We were in the middle of these woods where there was an old junk car, and I told everyone shoot at the doors, the windows the rear quarter panels, but don't aim for the front or the wheels. Those were two areas with very hard steel that would cause a ricochet. The engine less likely because of the front quarter panels, but still a possibility. My delinquent friend said," Hey watch this, I'm going to shoot the wheel." I screamed out, "NO!!!!!" right as he shot. You heard the gun fire, then the ping of the wheel and then the high speed whir of the bullet as it passed right between us at head level. Mind you, we were only a few feet apart. I sat his gun down and said I'm done and walked as far away from them as I could. I was done from that moment on. It's not that it was so traumatic that I couldn't pick a gun up, I just never had any desire what so ever to do it. I've just never been a gun guy. The only reason I'm doing this now is to help advance my new career. Do I think if the need arises could I fire on someone? I do, but my goal is to never draw my gun at all. I'm going to do everything I can possibly do to deescalate the situation to keep everyone safe. In the end of the day, when I go to work, I want everyone to go home safe, even if they aren't such great people. There is also the chance that I could get into executive security which is like bodyguard type stuff. I'm already hearing stories from instructors about that possibility.

     All of these wins will help me out in the long run, but the short term is still pretty much a disaster, but I'm going to ride this high of wins for the time being. There was no Friday night vinyl due to the G course, and I'm writing this of course on Saturday night since I will be half way across the state firing my pistol when I would normally write this. I really hope you have a great week. Peace in and goodnight.

Be Thankful For What You Got

     It has been such an up and down week, and full of unforeseen delays. I guess I'll just start with Monday. I finally had to seemingly force that phone interview I was supposed to get, and that was a bit of a disaster. I waited until 11:45 and then I sent an email questioning if we needed to just simply reschedule the interview, with that I got an almost immediate phone call, and that is where things got a bit weird. As I told you, I met with that Assistant Director within the company and he was going to recommend me for a supervisors position, but when I mentioned his name in connection with something else that he had mentioned, they acted like he didn't exist. They then said they would look into it and call me back. I didn't get the call back I got an email response to an earlier email that I had sent. They said that they spoke with him and then wondered if I wanted to be hired in Orlando, which wasn't at all the point of why I mentioned him. I asked to stay in the same area I lived and then they replied with telling me the hiring manager would call me soon. I have no idea what soon is to them since it took me 4 days to get that phone interviewed that I had scheduled with them.

     While I was waiting for the new phone interview with the hiring manager I thought I would start another process that would take time and buy a pistol. Since this is Florida and freedom is a four letter word to illicit liberal tears, I went to the closest gun shop to me which is literally 5 minutes away. By the way Once this whole process I over I will be the conservatives worst nightmare, a liberal not only with a gun but a license to carry it. You know, everything they hate. Anyway, I went to the shop and talked with the owner and discussed what I might need and a budget I can work with. I really can't work with it but you got to spend money to make money right? He recommends a particular gun that is apparently gaining a lot of popularity recently with how cheap it is, but also how you get far more quality for the price of the unit, so I began the background check. This made the first of many background checks to go on this week. I'm pretty popular with the government right now. We have the 3 day wait period in Florida which I had no concern over. I could have gone my whole life without owning a gun so 3 days wan't that long at all. I of course could have gotten around the 3 day wait if I had gotten my concealed carry license, but once again, I had no need of a gun before. All of this meant that I couldn't pick up the gun until Thursday when it arrive at the shop. He was placing a special order for it and actually gave me a discount, so plus plus. This was one of the good things this week.

     On Tuesday morning I got the call from the hiring agent who had gotten word that I had my "G" license, which I don't. The "G" license allows a security officer with their "D" license to legally carry a pistol, there are a few other things as well, but that isn't important. The hiring manager had a job for  me in armed security right away, but of course that wasn't possible without the "G", so he did a quick search of what was available and offered me a part time gig that I normally wouldn't have accepted, but this one was a definite exception. The pay was very low compared to what I've made in the past but 2 of the 4 days I would be working would be on Space Center property, that means federal clearance. The location on property would ensure me the best seat in the entire county when a launch would occur during my post. The little space nerd kid in me jumped at that chance, to see a behind the scene of the space program that I would never dream of being able to see. This also gave me a foot in the door so that I could prove myself since the Assistant Director's name never came up again so I just went with the believe that they didn't accept his recommendation. I know it is more than likely something else, but I'm just happy with the idea of my little positive spin on things.

     With the job offer in hand I began the background check there. That's number 2, and here comes number 3. As I mention last week, I had an appointment with the Department of Agriculture, well I should say the Florida Dept. of Agriculture, for my license application. Just having the certification isn't the whole thing, once you have that you have to apply for the license. Since the nearest regional office to me is in Orlando, on Wednesday morning, I woke up and left 2 hours early, which was good and bad. I completely overcompensated for traffic and arrive an hour early. That's when I hit a 7-11 and grabbed this.

     Yep, a flavored Liquid Death. It was a little weird but very good. Had a very nice berry flavor but it is their sparkling water so it still had that weird bitterness which canceled out a lot of the sweetness. I would still recommend it especially if you like sparkling water. It is still by far the best sparkling water I've ever had. Anyway back to the application. I walked into the building with a half hour left of my wait and then proceeded to wait outside the door to their office. Fifteen minutes later their security officer came out and told us to respond to the text confirmation that we received with "Here" and that they would all arrive at the office at 8 on the dot. I got a return text 15 minutes later asking who I was and if I had an appointment. I told them and then they told me that my appointment was for next week. I know exactly where I went wrong. When I scheduled the appointment I looked at the first available Wednesday and never actually looked at the date. Now, in my class one of the lessons was to be assertive, so I took a shot and asked if they could some how fit me in since I was already there. They listed a few openings they had in the day, so I took the first one which was at 10am. I would gladly sit in my car for 2 hours rather than have to make that drive again as well as having to wait an extra week to start the application process. Good thing number 2, I can't remember the actual number but these are all going to even out very soon. I got my Blue card which is the temporary license that allows you to go to work while you wait the 90 days for the official license.

     I got a call later that day from the hiring manager again and mentioned that I had picked up my Blue card, an he was stoked by that news and then threw me a curve ball. He wanted to start all the paper work that day and mentioned I would need my birth certificate. Now, I know I have one, it just hasn't been in the location it was supposed to be, and I have yet to find it. He mentioned that I needed that in order to get the clearance needed for the job I was up for. I told him that I would toss the house looking for it, so we were in a holding pattern until I could find that little piece of paper. Spoiler, I still haven't found it but I did submit for a certified copy of it and have mailed out the proper paperwork for that. I'm hoping that will come by next week. 

    The hiring manager called me again Thursday morning and asked if I could come in to do paperwork again where I mentioned that I still haven't found my birth certificate, this caused a bit of pause on his part and then he asked me a few more questions, one of which was where did I take my certification class at. I told him and he was real happy about that, he then said he would call me back while he figured this all out. An hour later he returned that call with a new offer for me, and I'm absolutely sure this was because of which class I took. The new offer was a full time position with a very large company that wouldn't be on Space Center property but is related to the space industry as well as many government contracts. It also paid a little more money, still not anywhere near what I was making in the past, but much better and with overtime I could actually exceed my previous salaries. I told him I would take that one over the part time, although I would miss that chance at those incredible launch visuals I would surely miss out on. This job also needed my birth certificate for clearance, so I'm still in that holding pattern. He then asked if I could go to their Orlando office for onboarding that day, I only had to be ready in 3 hours, which was plenty of time for me. He also mentioned I would need my BC for that as well, but we might be able to work around by saying that I was going to get it to him as soon as I found it. Turns out I didn't need it for the onboarding and I was officially hired by the company. The drug test was a trip though. I could watch it come up negative for each drug their were testing for while I sat there. Once again, I haven't been at all worried about any of these tests, the backgrounds or the drug test simply because my life is so boring that paint watches me. Oh yeah, I should mention the reason why I was onboarded was because I cleared that background check. I called him when I was out of the onboarding and we set up an appointment so that I could start some paperwork and get a few uniforms. Oh yeah, I almost forgot, the new job has a physical fitness requirement that I would have to pass, but he said it's real simple. One of the requirements is to complete a mile in under 18 minutes. I got that, also I need to be CPR certified, which was something I was already looking into. Turns out they are going to cover all of that. I have that appointment with the hiring manager on Tuesday morning.

     On the way home from the onboarding I thought I would just stop by the gun shop and pick up the pistol I had ordered. It hadn't come in, and the tracking was not available through FEDEX for some reason so the owner had no idea where it was or when it would get there, so I just told him I would come back tomorrow. We are up to Friday now.

     I decided Friday would be simply a free day since I have been dealing non stop with all of this and my mom's finances which still aren't done at all, and seem like they never will be. I'm nearing a point where I just want to give up and throw the money away, but I can't do that because the money isn't only going to me. I just want to move on and even though I feel fine, I believe that this may be stalling my grieving process and delaying things that I may have once again compartmentalized and don't really know it. I'm actually going to reach out to the bereavement team tomorrow that Hospice has notified me about tomorrow to talk to them about whether I'm normal or not. I just feel like something is off and I can't place what it is. I'm just handling this all too well, and that really isn't me. Anyway, back to Friday. I waited until about 3 in the afternoon to check on the gun shop and guess what? The gun still hadn't arrived. I told him I was free the rest of the day, and he said he would give me a call if it came in, to save me a trip driving there to check on it. I finally got that call a few hours later and then ran up and finally picked up the pistol. Since we were the only ones in there when I picked up, he decided to start a little small talk and get into a political discussion with me. I didn't bite, I just acted like it was all news to me and kept my opinions to myself. One awkward discussion avoided. I put that in the win column for the week.

     Saturday was certification day, and with the pistol in hand I could check with my instructor on whether it was adequate for the "G" License course. He was an hour late, which was ok, because that was all I had planned for the day. He apologized still and then told me he was only going to charge me half price for the class. I was the lone student which made it really weird, but the half price wasn't the only thing that he did for me. We discussed the non recommendation and then he went to work. This was also because I mentioned to him that I wanted to get as many certifications under my belt as I possible could, so he threw it all at me, and knocked out 3 certifications. Not only did I get the baton/handcuff/pepper spray certification, but also a self defense one, and then he threw me 2 huge solids and went through the basic concealed carry course and wrote up a certificate for completion of supervisor training. Those last two are pretty big deals and cost a lot of money that he didn't even charge me. With that I'm no certified so that I can apply for my concealed carry license, which I wasn't even planning on getting, but it will actually help me with the job as well as the "G" course. Then he asked me about the "G" and I mentioned I wasn't sure what my schedule was going to be this coming week and he told me that if I mentioned to them that I registered for the class and already paid they would simply let me have the time to take it, so I registered for my "G" license course and am taking that next weekend. I'm still a little worried about it, but I think I'll be fine. Only thing is, I am missing one of the requirements for the class which is 3 magazines. My pistol only came with 2. I ordered 3 more, but there is no guarantee that they will be here before next Saturday. I may be able to squeak through if I can prove with tracking that they will arrive on Saturday, but I definitely need them by Sunday which is the range day. I'm just going to wing it which has kind of been this whole week. With the "G"license I can get armed officer positions within the company and make quite a bit more money, so I'm going to do everything I have to in order to pass this class. Once I have that certification in hand I'll schedule another appointment with Dept. of Ag, and get both my CCW and "G" applications taken care of. 

    Whew, that was a lot. I hope you stuck with me this far cause it's time for Favorite Song of the Week. I'm pretty sure that I've posted this one before, but it is so fitting for this week and the way I feel, so I'm happy to do it again. This is William DeVaugn with his smooth funk classic "Be Thankful For What You Got". 

    "Diamond in the back, sunroof top, digging' the scene with a gangsta lean, hmmmhmmm." I mean come on is there any more iconic image of the 70's than that. This song has truly made me happy this week and I hope it brings you the same joy it has brought me. Peace in and goodnight.

A Chance To Succeed

     This has been an exceptional week, but before I get into that I need to tell you about what I received in the mail on Monday, which is still part of this past week, but is also a piece of my history.

     That is my Grandmother's paddle. The special thing about it is that it has all the names of my relatives on it for each time they were paddled. That Suzy is my cousin who subbed in her dogs name, which cracks me up beyond anything you could imagine. My Grandmother would tell me each time I was visiting that this would be the time that I sign my name to the paddle, but it never happened. See I was a really good kid, and I also saw it as a challenge to not get my name on it, so I was always on my best behavior, whic is more than likely what my Grandmother truly had in mind. She was a sneaky old broad, and I use that in the most affectionate of ways. She was a pro at reverse psychology. On one of my last visits up there before she died, she told me that if I could keep my name off the paddle, that it would be mine when she passed on. When she passed it wasn't even on my mind, because when I went there for her funeral, I was so broken and devastated that I didn't even think about the paddle, but when time came to think about it we always got some strange replies, so I had fully believed that my cousin had thrown it in the trash burning barrel, because she hated it. I had totally given up hope that it still existed and didn't even mention it to my cousin when we reconnected. Well, my sister who doesn't believe in giving up got word to my cousin and she reached out to me with an exchange deal. The paddle for a picture. I will be shipping the picture out this week to fulfill my part of this exchange, but I finally have my paddle. 

     I can't even explain to you the thrill and excitement that I felt when I saw that package and carefully cut it open. my cousin did an exception job of taping it up so that no air what so ever could get in or out. Right now I have it hanging on the wall next to me, but I have an idea for a hanging box with clear windows on either side so that I can maybe hang it in the middle of the room and you can see both sides of the paddle when it is on full display. For me, this is a center piece item and I will put it there eventually. My Grandmother was an amazing women and I am so proud to have just a tiny piece of who she was, and if you knew her, you would understand why this is a piece of her. She was a piece of work to say the least, but she is the largest influence in my life.

     Now for the rest of the week. On Monday I also began my security training. This is the type of thing in the past I would feel tremendous amounts of anxiety over. Going to a new place, to do a new thing, far from my home with unplanned traffic patterns that could make me late, with new people that I do not know. These were all things that in the past would cripple me. The drive would be full of questions and doubting with each slow down making things worse, and as I got closer would make my stomach turn more and more until I would have to throw up. None of that happened this time. Yes all of the above was true and the traffic was even more unpredictable than I even predicted. I left an hour and 30 minutes before class was supposed to begin and arrived with only 15 minutes to spare, which is late for me. I made an adjustment the second day, and then again on the third and finally hit my half hour early mark. The last day I just went crazy and left a full 2 hours early because I needed to get gas. Anyway back to the class. From the start I met some really great people. From what our instructor told us, our class was small, but that probably made it better, there was this sense of family with everyone. Everyone wanted everyone to succeed, and you could tell that our instructor wanted that as well. He truly cared about the students and the industry he is a part of. The classes were long and it took me a couple of days to settle into how I prepared for it, eating what to drink and what not were all questions I didn't really plan for, but figured it all out.

      I already had a phone interview planned with a company for Friday, so I knew I had a potential employer on the line, but on the final day of class our instructor had a specific name for it. He called it "Professional Thursday", he called it that for a reason. We were to dress business ready and as if we were going to go on an interview. Even with the knowledge that I had  that interview, I still dressed the part, slacks, dress shirt, and tie. I know it's a little conceded, but I looked good. On that last day we watched our first video of the day and about an hour or so before our lunch break a visitor came in. Our instructor had this planned, his goal as he said was to have us leave with jobs. Not the ability to safely get one, but actual jobs. There were two gentlemen in there to help us out with this. One was from a security agency in D.C.. He was there for more advice and a different perspective in teaching than our instructor, and although it was that different perspective, you could easily see that they were cut from the same cloth. The other happened to be the Assistant Director form the largest security firm in the world, which just so happens to be the firm that I applied to and had the phone interview for. He gave us a lot of great advice and insight into not only the business but his company. He truly seemed like the type of guy that made things happen. After his talk with us, it was interview time. I had already told him I had an interview and asked his advice so there was no real need for me to interview with him. Oh, I should point out that when my instructor was asking what you would look for in an interviewee, he had me stand up and the AD without hesitation said, "yes" to me as a potential employee, not just and interviewee. Back to the interview. About half the class lined up for the interview and when the last one went in, my instructor came up to me and said you should go in there despite your interview, he might be able to help you out with it. I of course said why not, it couldn't hurt anything at all, so when the final person came out I got up and walked into the room. I told him how much of a pleasure it was to meet him and how I enjoyed what he had to say, then I gave my pitch for why I was there as if I was interview with him. He asked where I wanted to be located and I told him but that it was a choice of chance and that I would truly be willing to go anywhere in my area, because I wanted to learn and see every part of what the job had for me to see. He then looked me directly in the eye and told me that he was going to recommend me for a supervisor position within the company. I was blown away, because I have no problem starting at the bottom and working my way up, which I will do, but to have that kind of backing for a job is an incredible stroke of luck and I'm not going to turn it down.

     This goes back to my instructor and what he said about setting us up for success and that there was no reason why we shouldn't leave his class without a job or at least an offer of one. Of the people that spoke with the AD, two have confirmed jobs, one is going directly into a supervisor role, and 1 for sure is being looked after and the AD is in a search for something in his area to put them into, and I have the recommendation for a supervisor position.

     Now comes the bit of bad news. My phone interview never happened on Friday. I reached out to the interviewer, because the email confirmation I got had their email to contact them if any changes occurred, and they told me that they had been in meetings all day and forgot. Then they asked if they could contact me on the weekend or Monday, which I of course said yes to, but got no reply of exactly when they would call. Since yesterday passed with no call I'm going to assume that they have chosen Monday. Here is the reason I'm not really all that worried. The AD gave me his card and said that if I have any problem what so ever, to reach out to him. Also my instructor told us to always come to him and he would help us out any way he could. He is also hiring for his security firm, but he and the AD are in the Orlando area and right now that isn't really practical for me, but I would take it if it came down to it and make it work. I have options, and they are all good ones.

     I have my certificate, but not the license. I still need to apply for it at the Dept. of Agriculture. Which is basically a background and fingerprinting process with a fee in order to get the actually license, but they will issue a temporary license while you wait for the actual one. Once you get the temporary you can go immediately to work. My appointment for that is at 8 am in Orlando on Wednesday. Then I go back to my instructor on Saturday for my baton/handcuff/pepper spray certification. That is a 4 hour class in which I get pepper sprayed, this should be real fun. This certification gives my employer the possibility of using me in different situations and keeps them covered from liability. It also gives me a hands on experience with these tools of the trade. Like I said to the AD, I want to learn, and this certification is the next step for me. Right now, I'm considering my "G" license which would allow me to be armed security. The class is a little intimidating for a few reasons. The first of which is I haven't fired a weapon in decades. Am I confident I could hit a target? Yes, but I doubt I would bullseye that sucker. One of the other big reasons is that you have to display your ability to shoot from your weak side, which is something I have never done at all, and that is a bit terrifying. The last reason is that I don't own a firearm, so my plan is to get one and begin training, not only for the standard disciplines but also that weak side, which is where I think I will put a big part of my focus and drive into. The "G" license will allow me even more possibilities within the industry and allow me to work on a federal level. My instructor also mentioned that after 2 years in the industry that you could possible move over into law enforcement, the time in security actually counts as on the job training for law enforcement. I'm sure there is more to it than just that, but the potential is there. Would I want to go into law enforcement? Right now, no, but who knows how my mind might see things in the future. I won't close the door on that possibility, because of the potential to learn more and more.

      Whatever I do from here on out, the one thing I do know, is that I'm set up for a rather lucrative career, which is something my life has always lacked. I've always had jobs and those were great, but there was always something missing, but I think I finally found what that was.

      One last photo before I get to Favorite Song of the Week. This is of the outbloom of my desert rose. It has gone crazy with blooms this week what with spring being sprung. It's foliage is thin compared to what it was last fall, but I can see new growth that will bring all that back.

     I can't believe how many flowers are on that plant. I'm so impressed with it each and every day that I look at it.

     Ok, today's Favorite Song of the Week is connected to this weeks Friday Night Vinyl. I've been patiently waiting for the right time to share this album with everyone, because of how gorgeous the vinyl is. No I don't have a picture of it for you here so you'll just have to go to the Instagram for the impressive black and white splatter on clear vinyl. I mean come on, just the description sounds amazing. Anyway this weeks song comes from Harry Styles, and I know I'm going to get some grief for this, but I strongly feel that there is David Bowie vibe from this young man. I just get the sense that they approach music in a similar fashion and you can't avoid the fashionable comparison between the two as well. This may be the biggest song off the album and I believe it was the first single from it. I'm choosing this one because of just how fun and catchy it is. Here is Harry Styles with his single "Watermelon Sugar".      

      I highly recommend this album "Fineline" as well as his first one. They are great albums that will more than likely surprise you. Don't get caught up in the whole former boyband member thing and just enjoy the music. It's really good stuff, and I can see this kid becoming an icon at some point. He's not there yet, but he is well on his way. If you get the chance look up his cover of Peter Gabriel's Sledgehammer. It will blow your mind.

    Ok, that's all I got for this week and it feels like a lot. I'll update you next week on the job and how the new certificate training went with being pepper sprayed and all. Peace in and goodnight.

This To Shall Pass

      Thought I would write tonight because I have absolutely nothing to do other than watch TV or play games. Writing just seemed more productive. Yes, I could work on the painting, but I'm still in that standstill of trying to get ideas to win out. I did work on the new frame. I have all the pieces cut out and the routing done to round the inner edge. I also sanded the bulk of it today. I still have a little more sanding to do before I decided to assemble, and then I'll start the staining. I haven't decided if I'm going to light it or not. I do have some normal white light LEDs that I could use, but I don't think I want to go that route with this one. I'll figure it all out.

     This week has been just short of a disaster. Once again all my plans for making money crumbled, and the bank which said that I only needed to produce the death certificate would free up the funds so that I could distribute them as my mom wished, told me I needed a tax ID. I went through the online process and some how really screwed it up. Contacted the IRS to figure out how to fix it and they said a hand written letter with the changes that needed to be made would have to do and that would take approximately 30-40 days. The money in that account was my last hope of having something to tide me over until I could find employment. I can tell you that my family came through when it truly mattered the most and propped me up, so I'm covered financially for the time being. If I budget properly I should be able to make it a month and a half before I absolutely need money again, and by that time some of the finances and policies my mom left behind should start coming in. Also I'm hoping to have a job by then as well. I did apply for a security position and went through a rather unique video interview. They apparently liked what they saw in my answers and have scheduled a phone interview. Now, this was also a disaster because I originally scheduled the phone interview for yesterday, which as Friday, but it was cancelled almost immediately. I', sure it was just a double booking and I was the overbook. They gave me options for another interview, but they were all for Monday, and Monday I begin that course to get my license for security work. Ok, I'm going to tell you the title of the license, but mind the gutter. It's called a "D" License, and allows you to do security work. They did allow me to schedule my appointment for another day and since Friday is my first free day, that's when I booked it. I'm hoping that with my previous interview and with the fact that I should be licensed by the time of the phone interview, that I get the job, but only time will tell with that.

    Oh yeah, I did forget to talk about Pokemon last week, and since I can't really remember what I was going to talk about, and I really have nothing new to report this week, you are off the hook again.

     I nearly buried the lead on this whole thing, but I did get to pick up my Mom's remains this week, hence having the death certificates. She is back home and waiting to be scattered. I did have 3 small portions separated out, so that I can send her ashes to various locations across the country that I feel she would approve of being scattered as well. The bulk of the ashes will be scattered in the garden in the backyard, but I'm going to wait until my Sister can be here. The plan is that we will go together to pick out some plants to put in this years garden, plant them and then spread her ashes. She love sitting and starring at that garden, up until she no longer had the desire to go outside. It was too much of an ordeal for her in the last few months, but that is where she wanted to be laid to rest. It is actually in the trust agreement that she be scattered in the backyard. The other parts weren't mentioned, but I felt she would approve of the locations I picked for her.. I may try to save a small portion and make a trip to Colorado. She always wanted to go, but never got the chance, so I would love to give her one last trip so that she can be a part of the Rockies. 

     It has been a stormy day today, and Morty took it like a champ. He was clingy, but he never got overly hyper like he tends to do when there are big thunderstorms. Although we got a lot of rain, the thunder was somewhat mild, so that helped out a lot. I can't tell you how much these dogs have helped me out these last few weeks. Although I don't get much sleep because now both of them have to be in the bed with me each night. I should tell you about Wednesday night. Oh boy was that horrible. That morning I wanted to get rid of the cold brew that I made, because I had new coffee beans that I wanted to try out. I got them at a place near by called Bold Cup Coffee. Anyway, I had the entire container which is half a quart and I drank it all in a couple of hours. Now, I pretty much have 1 maybe 2 cups of coffee in some form a day, if I have it so 5 large glasses of cold brew was a lot, and I was wired, but I thought that I had it early enough that it wouldn't bother me. I was wrong. I tried to go to bed at my normal time and just laid there for hours. I finally got up just before 3 and went out for my drive with the dogs, and it was as if I got a full 8 hours of sleep. I was wide awake. When I got back I attempted to lay down and fall a sleep, but sleep didn't come until 6:30 in the morning and then my fur alarm went of at 8 because Ri Ri felt that I didn't need anymore sleep. Even with only an hour and a half of sleep I felt fine, but wasn't 100%. I was a little more scatter brained than usual and struggled through the day, but just not doing anything. Well, that's not entirely true, because I was making phone calls trying to track down life insurance policies and brokerage accounts. I did keep my focus for those, but when I got in touch with the lawyer that oversaw my Mom's trust agreement, I veered off course a bit and forgot to ask a few questions. It wasn't real important, because I will more than likely see her in two weeks. As I said I'm busy next week. I did finally get to sleep Thursday night at around 10 and then woke up around 2:30. That was plenty of sleep for me. I did go back in and lay down after the drive and got a couple more hours in. By the way, that lawyer is fantastic and is doing me a solid by cutting her costs and doing things for a very low rate. It's mostly because she really liked my Mom as a client, so kudos to the Mommo for being awesome.

     If this week goes as plan, I will complete that course and get my license, then on Friday I will be busy with a few different things. I want to film the final review of this season, which by the way our latest video is up on our YouTube page at The Pepperoni Report, please go check it out. I also am planning on getting my second booster shot. The CDC just approved a second booster for people 50 and over, sadly I fall in that category. If you are eligible you should wait until 4 months after your first booster. I got mine in early November, so I'm at the 5 month mark now, so I'm going for the super powers with this one. It might finally happen. I think I deserve it after the last few years. I should also mention that this pandemic is not over and another wave should be here soon, hence why I'm getting boosted. You can do what you want, but remember don't just do it for you, do it for everyone around you. Those are my 50 cents. Yeah inflation turned those 2 cents into 50 now.

     With that, it's time for Favorite Song of the Week. Miley Cyrus, yes I'm a Smiley, dropped a live album this week, and the thought occurred to me that she has a very wide catalog. I mean you go back to the Hannah Montana days, and then you go to her pop/country days, soon after then her pop/club days, then the hippy days, to the current rock goddess that she is now. So I'm of course choosing a song from this album and why not choose the one she did that was written by her Godmother. By the way, her Godmother is Dolly Freaking Parton. So here is Miley Cyrus with her cover of her Godmother, Dolly Parton's song "Jolene".

     I've listened to the whole album and it's really good. She covers the hits and throws in a few covers that she pulls off rather well. I think she chose well with her set list. I think these were all recorded during her tour of South America, which is a pretty fast turn around, since she just finished that tour, and caught Covid along the way, which is once again why I'm getting boosted and continue to wear a mask everywhere I go.

     Stay safe out there people and do me a favor, do your best to make one person surprised happy this week. That would be the best way to honor my Mom and my family for helping me out especially this week, so be your kindest. Peace in and goodnight.

One On Top Of the Other

      Right now I'm trying to make the best out of a pretty crappy week. Warning, this one may have some adult language sprinkled in for pizzazz. I allowed myself to actually sleep in today, since I had no commitments for today, and I can go spin Pokestops later to get gifts for friend, more on this gifts later. Yeah we are having a pokemon discussion later. This is my party I can do what I want to and as I said, make the best of a crappy week. I also have a coffee next to me which is Bulletproof brand and it's quite good. I found the pods on my last, which could actually be my last visit to the grocery store in the foreseeable future, more on that later as well. Ok, so that's what I'm doing today, so what is the reason/s for all of this?

     I started the week out with the plan of using that app I told you about to pick up shift work to make some money while I'm both figuring out all the stuff with my mom, and also figuring out what I'm going to do in the long term. See, short term plans. Well, those plans were dashed to hell when I went in the app to search and all the shift work had shifted to the other side of the state, which I just can't do. That's a minimum 2 1/2 drive there, do a shift and then that same drive back. It also looks like most of the shifts available are actually 3 hours away which just adds sprinkles to that crap sandwich (see I can still keep it clean despite the warning, but words are coming). I did get several notifications of some work closer by, but they only give me a 1-2 hour window to book the job then get ready for it, and even in the app they say you need to book with a 24 hour notice, so what's the deal with that. The app seems like a bust at this point, but I haven't given up completely on it yet.

     A neighbor told me about doing security work which he does, I would just have to get a specific license to do it. I registered for the class, which is set for next week, since I need this week open to deal with lawyers and taking care of my mothers financial stuff once I get the death certificates (more on this as well). One problem, when they sent my confirmation for the class, they just sent basic details which don't disclose the actual location of the class site, or the exact time it will be. I have time on this one, so that's not so bad, but it is still sort of a pile on of crappy things. He also told me to apply to the company he is with and they would handle the cost of the training. I went to the site, clicked on apply to job, and tried to upload my updated resume, and was told that the file was too large, which is impossible since it is only 37kb and the file upload allows for 5mb. I tried several times in alternate files before I finally got frustrated and just gave up. I will give it another shot again, but I just couldn't do it this week.

     Dealing with all this frustration and having Morty and Ri Ri being sick on alternate days. They got over it, but I had a few messes to clean up, and then to find that Taylor Hawkins died on Friday. If you don't know Taylor, you don't know the Foo Fighters. Taylor was the drummer, but he was much more than that. He also played guitar from time to time on stage as well as the occasional taking over on lead vocals when they would do certain cover songs. Queen covers stand out in this, since he was such a big Freddie Mercury fan. No, he didn't sound like Freddie, but he did a great job on the covers, which I approve of. If you ever saw him in interviews you could see what a likable and vivacious guy he was. That is probably some of what made Dave Grohl so fond of him. That and of course the creative aspect. Taylor joined the band on the third album and never looked back. He cowrote songs, and I'm pretty sure he was a driving force behind them doing the Dee Gees cover album. I also can't help but think about how this is going to effect Dave. They were like brothers, you rarely saw one without the other, and this was very similar to the relationship that Dave had with Kurt Cobain. As you may know Dave was devastated by that loss, and even swore to never play music again. If you read his Storyteller book he goes into how he over came that and formed the Foo Fighters, but even in that telling he limits what he says about Kurt and that time, because it still hurts so much to talk about. I can see this effecting Dave in the same way. The band has already released a statement saying that the music will go on, but I do believe that this may be the end of the Foo Fighters. I do think Dave is at a point in his life where he will continue music because he knows how it saved his life before, but going on with the Foo might be too difficult. People will say, but Dave, Taylor was in a band with you, but I absolutely know that Dave would say, "No, I was in a band with Taylor Fuckin' Hawkins". That is just the type of guy Dave is. I've seen in several interviews about how he was happy when Taylor joined the band, because they finally had a real drummer. He constantly talks about how he is a mediocre drummer at best with no technical skills. He just hits the skins and calls it a day, but he is far better than that, and that is his humble nature showing.

     I spent all of yesterday listening to the Foo, and of course I'm making a choice from them for Favorite Song of the Week. That will be coming up at the end.

     The week wasn't all doom and gloom. There are some highlights and now more than ever I have to cling to those when I can. I worked more on the painting and have decided to give you one more preview picture of it during the progress. I would say that I'm about 2/3rds finished at this point and am at a bit of a decision stand still. right now for one section I just have the fine tuning to do, but for the biggest portion I have a creative dilemma, which is having to many ideas for the same space, so I've taken a break until one of them becomes more clear. Once that happens I should be able to breeze through it. It's just a matter of time. Ok, here is the next picture in the progression of the painting. It won't be revealing very much at all, since it even covers up all the tape work I did on it. 

     Told you, it really doesn't give you any idea of direction. As you can see I did go with a spray paint again to help cover up that larger area, and yes it is the glitter paint I used on the last frame. Oh, I also went out and got wood for the new frame, and although I have ideas for it, none are set in stone right now other than the fact that I'm going to stain it rather than paint it. This one has to have a bit of class, which is why the other ideas for it aren't set in stone yet. I can't just do a flat square frame. I should say that these creative standstills aren't stress adding on, these are the fun things. Also having creative ideas in abundance is a renewed experience, I already have and idea for my next painting and I sketched the idea in a very rude way so that no one other than myself can decipher it. Basically I was very sloppy in an attempt to get the idea down before it left my head. I came up with the idea at the gym, which by the way is another good thing.

     Let's just get into the gym thing now since that came up. I have been hitting the gym again. It started because a friend wanted an accountabilibuddy, and I went for it. Today is my off day hence the no commitment day. I've been going on the regular and the time on the treadmill is that time where I'm getting a lot of these ideas. With music or a book in my ears, it gives my mind a chance to just churn and that is always when I got my best ideas. I know that doesn't sound like the way a mind should work, but that is always how my mind has worked. I've always needed music when I'm reading. For some reason that has always helped me focus on just the book, and creating the scene in my head. This is no different in that the music or in this case a book helps my mind be free to go into unchartered worlds of creativity. I wish I could explain it better. I even had someone tell me that there is a term for that, but I don't remember what it was, I just know that it works for me, and I had forgotten all about it until I got back in the gym. Yes, I will have some accountability photos coming up so that you can see my progress. I can say that my weight has been stable at 165ish. I've also been for the most part OMAD, although not always the healthiest of meals.

     Before I go off on a tangent into health and what not, we still have a few more good things from this week and the final bad thing, as well as FSOTW. Ok on to the last of the good things. They of course include the pups. They bring me so much joy, joy which I probably don't deserve. Anyway, just yesterday I had gotten home from the gym, it opens at 7 on Saturday and Sunday, and let the dogs out. Both of them have been feeling good over the last couple of days, so Ri Ri got the zoomies. If you don't know what the zoomies are, then you clearly haven't had a dog. What happens is they get this tremendous boost of energy and simply run around at top speed. Morty did not have the zoomies and was struggling to keep up. Now this isn't a tell on Morty's age, when he gets the zoomies, Ri Ri can't keep up with him. Well. The zoomies of Ri Ri were finally subsiding and she took a brief sit on the ground. Morty sauntered up to her, stood right next to her, and out of nowhere, he simply sprung straight up in the air and landed on top of her. Now, this wasn't a striding jump like you would normally see, it was an actual surprise leap, from all fours in coordination straight up into the air. I could not stop laughing. It was as if Morty was simply stating, enough of this fucking running around shit. Well, Ri Ri growled at him and he barked at her, and they were off for one final sprint across the yard. I guess Morty's persuasion worked, because they wanted to go inside and lay down right after that. I'm still laughing at it right now picturing it in my head. Oh yeah, a couple of puppy pics for you. 

     This is Morty fully engrossed in his Pupster ice cream cup. I think that one was bacon and cheese flavored. It cracks me up how he puts that puppy paw death grip on it so that it doesn't slide away. Ri Ri picks hers up and takes it into anther room. There have been dust ups over those puppy ice cream cups.

     This is Ri Ri hiding in the fence jungle. I got the picture just a little late and she was coming out, but she was deep in there just sitting and waiting. What for? I have no idea, but it made me laugh. They are good at that. They have also been sleeping with me each night, which is both enjoyable and annoying. I love having them with me, but I am not comfortable at all. I do have to say one last Ri Ri thing. When my mom died, we had to get rid of the hospital bed. They came the next day to pick it up, when I took the bed clothes off the bed I threw my mom's big furry blanket on the floor just to get it out of the way. Well, I haven't been able to move it, because Ri Ri made it one of her many beds. I've just left it there for her. She really loved my mom and was very protective of her, so if that blanket gives her comfort, who am I to take that away from her.

     Ok, time for Favorite Song of the Week before I get into that final bad thing. As I stated this is going to be a Foo Fighters song, and even though they did release a new album (it's a death metal album by the way) I'm not choosing a song from that. I am in fact going to choose a song where Taylor is singing so you can see that side of his talent. This comes from that Dee Gees album I spoke about that I think Taylor was a driving force behind. This was the one song on the album that really wasn't the Bee Gees, but their little brother Andy, which meant that they had to have a different singer and that singer was none other than Taylor Fuckin' Hawkins. It is with great pleasure that I give you the Dee Gees with "Shadow Dancing".

 

     Do I really have to go into how great a job they did with this cover album and how great Taylor's voice is on this. Let's not even gloss over the Phil Collins double duty he is pulling by singing while drumming. I can remember seeing a live version of this from their tour over the summer and seeing Taylor's son at the base of his drum kit filming the crowd and stage on his phone. The loss for his sone hurts me the most. The stuff he is going to miss out on now is just heartbreaking.

    Ok, time to wrap this up with that final hit in the gut to me this week. Since I have been out of work for the past 3 years, I have been relying on my mother's finances for support, paying bills, buying grocery's and all that good stuff. I was at Target yesterday picking up a few things that I needed and when I tried to use her debit card, it was denied. I thought it must have been a card reader error, since I have kept a very close eye on things and made sure that funds were always available, so I tried it again, and same response. I had to use my already bursting at the seams credit card to cover the cost. Oh the debt free life isn't for me. I'm almost sure that when the funeral home contacted social security, that SS sent out an alert to her banking and shut down the account. This was my short short term plan to take care of things until I could get the death certificates and extricate all funds and get things going in the next direction. I'm going to have to go to the bank tomorrow and see what I can do otherwise I am down to only about $400 dollars in my account, and they way things are going, that is going to have to last me a month until I can get work with that security license. Oddly enough as stressful as this should be, I am not stress at all. I have this weird feeling that things are some how going to work out the right way eventually. I just hav no idea when eventually is. I know that there will be some money coming to me, just how much I have no real idea. I a minimum which isn't a whole lot, and there has been talk about a life insurance policy which I have found nothing on, so I'm just not even considering that and only sticking with the small amount that I know of. The good news I guess, is that small amount would be enough to cover bills for maybe 2 months which would give me time to start earning as a security guard, but I do believe there is going to be an in between before those fund will get to me. That in between is the big question mark. I'll figure it out, that's what I've been doing for the last 3 years. I had no clue on how to care for my mom, but I figured it out, and I'll figure this out as well. Peace in and goodnight.

Things Are Weird

      I felt  need to write tonight. I'm not sure if this will take the place of what I would normally write tomorrow or not, but I'd assume that I really won't have much to say in about 15 hours. The first few days after my mom's death were surprisingly good. I'm using good as a relative term, because it's the best descriptive for the whole thing. They say you shouldn't be alone during times like these, but those days were really what I needed. I tend to bask in solitude, but there are moments, like yesterday and today, when basking is the furthest thing from what I'm doing. I of course have the dogs here, and I have some captures of cuteness coming up a little later on. 

     Yesterday the loneliness started hanging over me like a heavy veil. Yesterday I pushed through by watching streaming shows and playing games. Today I reached out to a few people in my usual nondescript feeling about sort of way, and as expected, they have busy lives and plans. That made today's option only 1. To the record store I would go. It was fortunate that the owner put up a video of the new "tasty morsels" that she had gotten in. Oh, why is "tasty morsels" in quotation marks you ask? Well, that is how she always starts each video of the new records she got in. In the rather full list of new unopened records she got in, was one that I've been looking for for quite some time. Depeche Mode's Violator. I had no real intention of going down there and getting it despite the fact that I knew it would go pretty fast, she did get 3 copies in, so chances were a little better than usual that one would still be there when I went on RSD in late April, but as I said, loneliness got the better of me, and off I went. All 3 copies were still there, but while I was there, someone called to have 1 held and I believe someone else was on their way to get the last copy, so My impetuous decision was fortuitous. Don't ask me why I'm using such big words, I'm the one that has kind of lost his mind from loneliness. Anyway, while I was there I struck up a conversation with her, which isn't unusual, but this one lasted for about an hour. Yes, she is rad, no she is not single, oh, and yes, she has an awesome dog that stood on my foot so I wouldn't leave and had to keep petting her. The dog not the owner. Dogs know when you are sad, so I'm blaming her foosttepping on that.

      When I got home I ordered a pizza from my favorite place, which it appears has changed ownership, but they have clearly kept the recipes intact, so I'm ok with that. This is all to bring up the fact that I haven't eaten all that well this week. It was today that I realized what I was doing. This is going to sound odd, but I was punishing myself in a way. When I was caring for my mom, everything was about being healthy in order to care for her the best that I could, with her gone, I felt I didn't deserve to eat well because there was no reason to stay healthy. Don't worry, the self observation has hit my mind and I realize the idiocy of it all and will be changing things up and be back to eating healthy again tomorrow. The pizza was pretty great though. 

      Even with these last two days being meh', there have been some high points. I did start working on the painting again, and although progress is slow, because I'm taking my time in order to get it right, it is going well. I have been taking progress photos of it, and no I'm not going to share them at this time. You got the one preview I was willing to let out, and that was kind of against my better judgement. Another good thing is of course, the pooches snooches. They have been unreasonably adorable lately and I took a few pics to show them off. First is Morty, cause well, it's Morty. 

     That was when he was acting a little guilty cause he was in my chair, but I had gotten up for the night so it was all good. The next two are Ri Ri. She like Baby Girl before her, sleep soundly because of the deafness. There is a belief that Ri Ri is very hard of hearing, I haven't quite decided which is the truth yet, but because of the lack of hearing, they both sleep/slept very soundly, so getting a candid pic is very very easy. 

    That's my goofy girl right there, isn't she so precious? They have been fantastic company this week and make me laugh daily, with their little oddities and idiosyncrasies. For example: in the morning when I feed them, they follow me into the kitchen to the food bin and watch me very intently as I put food in their bowls. After I get their food in their bowls, I pull one piece of kibble each for them and toss it to them. This creates a bit of a frenzy as they attack me looking for more food. I get a kick out of it each and every day. Morty has knocked me over more than once in that frenzied state, and he licks my face like it is food flavored as I laugh. I truly couldn't ask for better dogs.

     Here is another epic highlight to the week. One of the good things that comes out of the loss of a loved one, is the reclamation of some old relationships with family members. One of those happens to be my cousin. When we were growing up, I would visit every summer and we were like siblings when we were together. We would have these epic games of Monopoly that would quite often end in and ice fight. I remember always coming out on top of those ice fights, but that could just be my recollection. I quite fondly remember her saving a snowball from winter in the freezer just for our next round of Monopoly, I managed to procure said frozen snowball and shoved it up her shirt in the back as I sat on her, and just held it there. Great times I tell you. We would also go swimming in the creek down below the house. Now I know that when you read that word you said creek with a hard e, but you said it wrong. It is pronounced crick. It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing, if you don't have family there you wouldn't understand. Anyway, would always play in the creek and one of the main things you would do would make sure you had an old pair of shoes to wear, so that you wouldn't hurt your feet, that is where these pictures come in. 

     The first one is taken at the bottom of the walkway to my Grandmother's house, and the second is on a big ol' rock in the creek. To tell you the truth, it's the thumb in the frame for me, that really sends me. I"m guessing we were around 6 or 7 at that time. She was a year older than me. I must point out even though I already talked about it, the old shoes to protect our feet, that is an iconic look right there. You can also see them tossed in the yard in the photo above. We weren't allowed to wear them in the house, they stayed outside. Those were some good times back then. During our conversations, we figured that it has been a little over 20 years since we spoke, but like I've mentioned with good friends, you just kind of pick up where you left off as if no time had passed at all. Oh yeah, this one is for my sister. That was back in the day when I was called Bobby Beanpole, because of how skinny I was then. I wish I had those abs now. I"ll get there, but man if I didn't think I was fat back then, cause I simply didn't have much muscle mass. I really did think I was fat. See, my body dysmorphia has been a thing for my whole life. Also, you can see that I really was a blonde for a good portion of my life. My hair changed color with puberty and also got curly. I can't explain it at all. Hormones really did a number on me.

     On Tuesday I finally got to go grocery shopping and picked up a cold brew coffee maker at my grocery store. Remember I'm new to this whole coffee thing, so I went with what I know and got some Dunkin medium blend whole beans. I ground them up course as they said and filled the filter and added the water. Waited the prerequisite 24 hours and gave it a try. I was a little worried cause when I poured some into a glass, it was very weak looking, Almost like a light brown tea. I adde a little monk fruit and then some almond milk and gave it a try anyway, and it was amazing. The flavor was still strong despite it looking weak. I have to tell you, if you get a change give cold brew a try, it's the real deal. My second batch is in the fridge right now. Technically it's ready, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow to have some. I ground the beans a little more this time, but still not finely, so I'm hoping to get a darker color and even more flavor out of it. Now, if you have had cold brew before and would like to recommend some coffee beans to me to try, please do. I was going to try the one Rainforest brand until I saw that a bag was $20. Since I have no idea what I'm doing, Dunkin did the trick and it was much better than I thought it would be. I look forward to your recommendations.

     Ok, I think I've written out my feelings, cause I'm feeling a more at ease right now. I must say that this is loneliness and not depression. I haven't experienced depression or anxiety this week, which is a bit of a surprise to me. Monday will bring a new day of taking care of the things I can with my mom's passing. I have to wait for the death certificates to manage the big things, like bank account, broker, life insurance, and will. Word is that those will come in about 2 weeks, so I'm kind of at a stand still right now and don't know much of what to do in the mean time. I might try and pick up a few shifts with this employment app that I have called Instawork. I won't go into details about it right now, but it will allow me to grab some shifts doing common work for a decent pay whenever I want. That will keep me free to take care of what needs to be taken care of. Peace in and goodnight.

She Is Loved

     This may and very well be the most difficult post I ever write. I've thought long and hard about how to start this, but I still don't know exactly what to say so I'll just jump right in with the bad news. I lost my mom last night. Seeing the shell that was her body was the easy part, it was everything that led up to that that was hard.

      It happened sooner than I originally believed it would, but I knew it would happen today. Once the death rattle began, I knew it was down to a matter of hours. I won't go into detail on the death rattle, but do understand that it a terrible experience. I know that most people will discuss the sound, but it wasn't the sound for me, it was the look of fear and pain on her face that finally broke me. I made her as comfortable as I could and even lucked into putting her in the right position to ease the difficulty of that rattle, and contacted Hospice and they upped her morphine intake so she was in no pain. I gave her last dose to her maybe an hour before she passed. Midnight was that final dose and then I passed out sometime soon after that and came to at 1:30 and realized I couldn't hear her breathing anymore. I ran in and checked and she was gone. I covered her and then made the call to Hospice to notify them of her passing.

     I've gone into the horrors of dementia, but the final chapter is the most horrifying, so I plead with you to do what you have to do to avoid this diagnosis for yourself. Know this though, after going through this, I will leave no one that I know if they have this disease. One of the most difficult parts of this was having to forgive people for my mom for their absence. I understood why they did what they did, but it still hurt. I will not abandon you when that time comes. You may not remember me, but I will visit and tell you stories of our past. I owe everyone that much.

     My mom was born on October 6 1933, and she lived a good live full of love and success. Most of you who knew her, know that she was a teacher all of her life, and even in the early throws of dementia she would mention how she needed to go back and teach. It was one of the things that truly stuck in her head, so she never lost that desire to help build the future of youth. She had two kids of her own, and an extended family of three more, all of which she loved with all of her heart. She reached peace on March 14 2022. That is 88+ years of life that were well lived. She may not have experienced all the things that she wanted to, but she left an indelible mark on everyone she came into contact with. Her former students sing her praise whenever I see or hear from them.

     I'm going to take a day or two to just process all of this and figure out what my next step is. For the last 3 and even longer than that, my mom has been my entire life and although it was difficult I learned quite a bit from the whole experience, so maybe that was the last lesson she ever taught.

    She deserved so much more of a peaceful ending, but I was speaking with my sister and she told me of a buddhist belief that suffering at the end relinquishes that pain from your life so that what comes next is full of peace. I truly hope that is true, because no one deserves it more than my mother. 

    I'll end with this. I wish the best for you and everyone you love and if you have the opportunity today or in the distant future, thank a teacher for all that they do. They are the unsung heroes of our world and that would be the absolute best way to honor my mom.