I'm broken, and I honestly don't know if I can it fixed this time. I have been locked down since mid February. The reason I have been is to protect my mom at all costs, but as we have been isolated, she has grown much more contentious, and her dementia has gotten much worse. I'm struggling with my own mental state, and have for the most part given up. I stopped meditating, my workouts are infrequent with low energy, although I still eat healthy, I have almost completely stopped limiting my meals to certain times, and have picked up eating when I'm bored again. This has caused me to lose all faith in myself as I sit around 160 lbs. Most people would be happy with that, but since I am so broken I can't see it that way.
I have been trying to get back on track and for that last 3 weeks, kept to an eating schedule, but I broke down and ordered a pizza on Friday. I know that one pizza won't kill me, but it does have an effect, not only on my body by causing me to retain water, but mentally in what I see causing me to register that as massive failure for giving in to desire, instead of drive. The science behind that pizza is that it will take me one week to get over the effects that it has on my body. That doesn't stop things, but it slows them down drastically. I'm going to try, but I know where I'm at, and it's not a good place.
I stopped writing, at first to give others a chance to have their words seen and heard. My voice wasn't necessary. Once I got used to not writing, it became easier and easier to just not do it. That was until Friday when Chadwick Boseman died. I wrote a piece about him, which basically no one saw, but I didn't' do it for that. I did it to release this energy that was built up inside of me. I'm going to be writing again, but it won't be on the same schedule I used to keep. At first I'm shooting for once a week, which will be a Sunday post. I'll see where it goes from there.
I already know what you are going to say. "Why don't you ask for help?" I have grown to know that help doesn't come for me, and people will always let me down. I haven't had a break from my mom for more than an hour in nearly 2 months now. That isn't good for either of us. I don't have the money to just get someone to come in and take care of her, and then there is the added bonus of not trusting people to come in and not infect us with Covid. Don't even get me started on the anti-maskers and what that is doing to me mentally. It all comes down to me doing all that I can to keep her safe, and not rely on anyone else to pull through and do their part. And for all the talk of people checking in on those that are susceptible to depression and anxiety, I can count on 1 hand and still have fingers left over of the amount of times anyone has reached out to me. For those few that did. I thank you greatly. You have lifted me up when you reached out.
I am taking this negative energy that is engulfing me, and turning it against the current administration. If you are on Facebook I will be posting pictures, memes, and all kinds of info against them. I will not rest until they are voted out. The good news is, that I'm guaranteed to live that long. I have to see the results of the election, then I can make a decision about my fate at that point.
If you haven't reached out to me until this point, don't do it now. I do have contempt for you and will not listen to anything you have to say. To anyone else, don't tell me that it will get better. The darkness is far to dense for me to see it. Don't ask what you can do. I don't know, and I won't know or put any thought into it.
I will end this with one positive. If you are reading this on the day that it is released, ABC will be airing Black Panther tonight at 8 with a short piece about Chadwick Boseman afterwards. I will be watching, and it will be back to back nights of Black Panther for me. Peace in and whatever.
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