One On Top Of the Other

      Right now I'm trying to make the best out of a pretty crappy week. Warning, this one may have some adult language sprinkled in for pizzazz. I allowed myself to actually sleep in today, since I had no commitments for today, and I can go spin Pokestops later to get gifts for friend, more on this gifts later. Yeah we are having a pokemon discussion later. This is my party I can do what I want to and as I said, make the best of a crappy week. I also have a coffee next to me which is Bulletproof brand and it's quite good. I found the pods on my last, which could actually be my last visit to the grocery store in the foreseeable future, more on that later as well. Ok, so that's what I'm doing today, so what is the reason/s for all of this?

     I started the week out with the plan of using that app I told you about to pick up shift work to make some money while I'm both figuring out all the stuff with my mom, and also figuring out what I'm going to do in the long term. See, short term plans. Well, those plans were dashed to hell when I went in the app to search and all the shift work had shifted to the other side of the state, which I just can't do. That's a minimum 2 1/2 drive there, do a shift and then that same drive back. It also looks like most of the shifts available are actually 3 hours away which just adds sprinkles to that crap sandwich (see I can still keep it clean despite the warning, but words are coming). I did get several notifications of some work closer by, but they only give me a 1-2 hour window to book the job then get ready for it, and even in the app they say you need to book with a 24 hour notice, so what's the deal with that. The app seems like a bust at this point, but I haven't given up completely on it yet.

     A neighbor told me about doing security work which he does, I would just have to get a specific license to do it. I registered for the class, which is set for next week, since I need this week open to deal with lawyers and taking care of my mothers financial stuff once I get the death certificates (more on this as well). One problem, when they sent my confirmation for the class, they just sent basic details which don't disclose the actual location of the class site, or the exact time it will be. I have time on this one, so that's not so bad, but it is still sort of a pile on of crappy things. He also told me to apply to the company he is with and they would handle the cost of the training. I went to the site, clicked on apply to job, and tried to upload my updated resume, and was told that the file was too large, which is impossible since it is only 37kb and the file upload allows for 5mb. I tried several times in alternate files before I finally got frustrated and just gave up. I will give it another shot again, but I just couldn't do it this week.

     Dealing with all this frustration and having Morty and Ri Ri being sick on alternate days. They got over it, but I had a few messes to clean up, and then to find that Taylor Hawkins died on Friday. If you don't know Taylor, you don't know the Foo Fighters. Taylor was the drummer, but he was much more than that. He also played guitar from time to time on stage as well as the occasional taking over on lead vocals when they would do certain cover songs. Queen covers stand out in this, since he was such a big Freddie Mercury fan. No, he didn't sound like Freddie, but he did a great job on the covers, which I approve of. If you ever saw him in interviews you could see what a likable and vivacious guy he was. That is probably some of what made Dave Grohl so fond of him. That and of course the creative aspect. Taylor joined the band on the third album and never looked back. He cowrote songs, and I'm pretty sure he was a driving force behind them doing the Dee Gees cover album. I also can't help but think about how this is going to effect Dave. They were like brothers, you rarely saw one without the other, and this was very similar to the relationship that Dave had with Kurt Cobain. As you may know Dave was devastated by that loss, and even swore to never play music again. If you read his Storyteller book he goes into how he over came that and formed the Foo Fighters, but even in that telling he limits what he says about Kurt and that time, because it still hurts so much to talk about. I can see this effecting Dave in the same way. The band has already released a statement saying that the music will go on, but I do believe that this may be the end of the Foo Fighters. I do think Dave is at a point in his life where he will continue music because he knows how it saved his life before, but going on with the Foo might be too difficult. People will say, but Dave, Taylor was in a band with you, but I absolutely know that Dave would say, "No, I was in a band with Taylor Fuckin' Hawkins". That is just the type of guy Dave is. I've seen in several interviews about how he was happy when Taylor joined the band, because they finally had a real drummer. He constantly talks about how he is a mediocre drummer at best with no technical skills. He just hits the skins and calls it a day, but he is far better than that, and that is his humble nature showing.

     I spent all of yesterday listening to the Foo, and of course I'm making a choice from them for Favorite Song of the Week. That will be coming up at the end.

     The week wasn't all doom and gloom. There are some highlights and now more than ever I have to cling to those when I can. I worked more on the painting and have decided to give you one more preview picture of it during the progress. I would say that I'm about 2/3rds finished at this point and am at a bit of a decision stand still. right now for one section I just have the fine tuning to do, but for the biggest portion I have a creative dilemma, which is having to many ideas for the same space, so I've taken a break until one of them becomes more clear. Once that happens I should be able to breeze through it. It's just a matter of time. Ok, here is the next picture in the progression of the painting. It won't be revealing very much at all, since it even covers up all the tape work I did on it. 

     Told you, it really doesn't give you any idea of direction. As you can see I did go with a spray paint again to help cover up that larger area, and yes it is the glitter paint I used on the last frame. Oh, I also went out and got wood for the new frame, and although I have ideas for it, none are set in stone right now other than the fact that I'm going to stain it rather than paint it. This one has to have a bit of class, which is why the other ideas for it aren't set in stone yet. I can't just do a flat square frame. I should say that these creative standstills aren't stress adding on, these are the fun things. Also having creative ideas in abundance is a renewed experience, I already have and idea for my next painting and I sketched the idea in a very rude way so that no one other than myself can decipher it. Basically I was very sloppy in an attempt to get the idea down before it left my head. I came up with the idea at the gym, which by the way is another good thing.

     Let's just get into the gym thing now since that came up. I have been hitting the gym again. It started because a friend wanted an accountabilibuddy, and I went for it. Today is my off day hence the no commitment day. I've been going on the regular and the time on the treadmill is that time where I'm getting a lot of these ideas. With music or a book in my ears, it gives my mind a chance to just churn and that is always when I got my best ideas. I know that doesn't sound like the way a mind should work, but that is always how my mind has worked. I've always needed music when I'm reading. For some reason that has always helped me focus on just the book, and creating the scene in my head. This is no different in that the music or in this case a book helps my mind be free to go into unchartered worlds of creativity. I wish I could explain it better. I even had someone tell me that there is a term for that, but I don't remember what it was, I just know that it works for me, and I had forgotten all about it until I got back in the gym. Yes, I will have some accountability photos coming up so that you can see my progress. I can say that my weight has been stable at 165ish. I've also been for the most part OMAD, although not always the healthiest of meals.

     Before I go off on a tangent into health and what not, we still have a few more good things from this week and the final bad thing, as well as FSOTW. Ok on to the last of the good things. They of course include the pups. They bring me so much joy, joy which I probably don't deserve. Anyway, just yesterday I had gotten home from the gym, it opens at 7 on Saturday and Sunday, and let the dogs out. Both of them have been feeling good over the last couple of days, so Ri Ri got the zoomies. If you don't know what the zoomies are, then you clearly haven't had a dog. What happens is they get this tremendous boost of energy and simply run around at top speed. Morty did not have the zoomies and was struggling to keep up. Now this isn't a tell on Morty's age, when he gets the zoomies, Ri Ri can't keep up with him. Well. The zoomies of Ri Ri were finally subsiding and she took a brief sit on the ground. Morty sauntered up to her, stood right next to her, and out of nowhere, he simply sprung straight up in the air and landed on top of her. Now, this wasn't a striding jump like you would normally see, it was an actual surprise leap, from all fours in coordination straight up into the air. I could not stop laughing. It was as if Morty was simply stating, enough of this fucking running around shit. Well, Ri Ri growled at him and he barked at her, and they were off for one final sprint across the yard. I guess Morty's persuasion worked, because they wanted to go inside and lay down right after that. I'm still laughing at it right now picturing it in my head. Oh yeah, a couple of puppy pics for you. 

     This is Morty fully engrossed in his Pupster ice cream cup. I think that one was bacon and cheese flavored. It cracks me up how he puts that puppy paw death grip on it so that it doesn't slide away. Ri Ri picks hers up and takes it into anther room. There have been dust ups over those puppy ice cream cups.

     This is Ri Ri hiding in the fence jungle. I got the picture just a little late and she was coming out, but she was deep in there just sitting and waiting. What for? I have no idea, but it made me laugh. They are good at that. They have also been sleeping with me each night, which is both enjoyable and annoying. I love having them with me, but I am not comfortable at all. I do have to say one last Ri Ri thing. When my mom died, we had to get rid of the hospital bed. They came the next day to pick it up, when I took the bed clothes off the bed I threw my mom's big furry blanket on the floor just to get it out of the way. Well, I haven't been able to move it, because Ri Ri made it one of her many beds. I've just left it there for her. She really loved my mom and was very protective of her, so if that blanket gives her comfort, who am I to take that away from her.

     Ok, time for Favorite Song of the Week before I get into that final bad thing. As I stated this is going to be a Foo Fighters song, and even though they did release a new album (it's a death metal album by the way) I'm not choosing a song from that. I am in fact going to choose a song where Taylor is singing so you can see that side of his talent. This comes from that Dee Gees album I spoke about that I think Taylor was a driving force behind. This was the one song on the album that really wasn't the Bee Gees, but their little brother Andy, which meant that they had to have a different singer and that singer was none other than Taylor Fuckin' Hawkins. It is with great pleasure that I give you the Dee Gees with "Shadow Dancing".

 

     Do I really have to go into how great a job they did with this cover album and how great Taylor's voice is on this. Let's not even gloss over the Phil Collins double duty he is pulling by singing while drumming. I can remember seeing a live version of this from their tour over the summer and seeing Taylor's son at the base of his drum kit filming the crowd and stage on his phone. The loss for his sone hurts me the most. The stuff he is going to miss out on now is just heartbreaking.

    Ok, time to wrap this up with that final hit in the gut to me this week. Since I have been out of work for the past 3 years, I have been relying on my mother's finances for support, paying bills, buying grocery's and all that good stuff. I was at Target yesterday picking up a few things that I needed and when I tried to use her debit card, it was denied. I thought it must have been a card reader error, since I have kept a very close eye on things and made sure that funds were always available, so I tried it again, and same response. I had to use my already bursting at the seams credit card to cover the cost. Oh the debt free life isn't for me. I'm almost sure that when the funeral home contacted social security, that SS sent out an alert to her banking and shut down the account. This was my short short term plan to take care of things until I could get the death certificates and extricate all funds and get things going in the next direction. I'm going to have to go to the bank tomorrow and see what I can do otherwise I am down to only about $400 dollars in my account, and they way things are going, that is going to have to last me a month until I can get work with that security license. Oddly enough as stressful as this should be, I am not stress at all. I have this weird feeling that things are some how going to work out the right way eventually. I just hav no idea when eventually is. I know that there will be some money coming to me, just how much I have no real idea. I a minimum which isn't a whole lot, and there has been talk about a life insurance policy which I have found nothing on, so I'm just not even considering that and only sticking with the small amount that I know of. The good news I guess, is that small amount would be enough to cover bills for maybe 2 months which would give me time to start earning as a security guard, but I do believe there is going to be an in between before those fund will get to me. That in between is the big question mark. I'll figure it out, that's what I've been doing for the last 3 years. I had no clue on how to care for my mom, but I figured it out, and I'll figure this out as well. Peace in and goodnight.

Things Are Weird

      I felt  need to write tonight. I'm not sure if this will take the place of what I would normally write tomorrow or not, but I'd assume that I really won't have much to say in about 15 hours. The first few days after my mom's death were surprisingly good. I'm using good as a relative term, because it's the best descriptive for the whole thing. They say you shouldn't be alone during times like these, but those days were really what I needed. I tend to bask in solitude, but there are moments, like yesterday and today, when basking is the furthest thing from what I'm doing. I of course have the dogs here, and I have some captures of cuteness coming up a little later on. 

     Yesterday the loneliness started hanging over me like a heavy veil. Yesterday I pushed through by watching streaming shows and playing games. Today I reached out to a few people in my usual nondescript feeling about sort of way, and as expected, they have busy lives and plans. That made today's option only 1. To the record store I would go. It was fortunate that the owner put up a video of the new "tasty morsels" that she had gotten in. Oh, why is "tasty morsels" in quotation marks you ask? Well, that is how she always starts each video of the new records she got in. In the rather full list of new unopened records she got in, was one that I've been looking for for quite some time. Depeche Mode's Violator. I had no real intention of going down there and getting it despite the fact that I knew it would go pretty fast, she did get 3 copies in, so chances were a little better than usual that one would still be there when I went on RSD in late April, but as I said, loneliness got the better of me, and off I went. All 3 copies were still there, but while I was there, someone called to have 1 held and I believe someone else was on their way to get the last copy, so My impetuous decision was fortuitous. Don't ask me why I'm using such big words, I'm the one that has kind of lost his mind from loneliness. Anyway, while I was there I struck up a conversation with her, which isn't unusual, but this one lasted for about an hour. Yes, she is rad, no she is not single, oh, and yes, she has an awesome dog that stood on my foot so I wouldn't leave and had to keep petting her. The dog not the owner. Dogs know when you are sad, so I'm blaming her foosttepping on that.

      When I got home I ordered a pizza from my favorite place, which it appears has changed ownership, but they have clearly kept the recipes intact, so I'm ok with that. This is all to bring up the fact that I haven't eaten all that well this week. It was today that I realized what I was doing. This is going to sound odd, but I was punishing myself in a way. When I was caring for my mom, everything was about being healthy in order to care for her the best that I could, with her gone, I felt I didn't deserve to eat well because there was no reason to stay healthy. Don't worry, the self observation has hit my mind and I realize the idiocy of it all and will be changing things up and be back to eating healthy again tomorrow. The pizza was pretty great though. 

      Even with these last two days being meh', there have been some high points. I did start working on the painting again, and although progress is slow, because I'm taking my time in order to get it right, it is going well. I have been taking progress photos of it, and no I'm not going to share them at this time. You got the one preview I was willing to let out, and that was kind of against my better judgement. Another good thing is of course, the pooches snooches. They have been unreasonably adorable lately and I took a few pics to show them off. First is Morty, cause well, it's Morty. 

     That was when he was acting a little guilty cause he was in my chair, but I had gotten up for the night so it was all good. The next two are Ri Ri. She like Baby Girl before her, sleep soundly because of the deafness. There is a belief that Ri Ri is very hard of hearing, I haven't quite decided which is the truth yet, but because of the lack of hearing, they both sleep/slept very soundly, so getting a candid pic is very very easy. 

    That's my goofy girl right there, isn't she so precious? They have been fantastic company this week and make me laugh daily, with their little oddities and idiosyncrasies. For example: in the morning when I feed them, they follow me into the kitchen to the food bin and watch me very intently as I put food in their bowls. After I get their food in their bowls, I pull one piece of kibble each for them and toss it to them. This creates a bit of a frenzy as they attack me looking for more food. I get a kick out of it each and every day. Morty has knocked me over more than once in that frenzied state, and he licks my face like it is food flavored as I laugh. I truly couldn't ask for better dogs.

     Here is another epic highlight to the week. One of the good things that comes out of the loss of a loved one, is the reclamation of some old relationships with family members. One of those happens to be my cousin. When we were growing up, I would visit every summer and we were like siblings when we were together. We would have these epic games of Monopoly that would quite often end in and ice fight. I remember always coming out on top of those ice fights, but that could just be my recollection. I quite fondly remember her saving a snowball from winter in the freezer just for our next round of Monopoly, I managed to procure said frozen snowball and shoved it up her shirt in the back as I sat on her, and just held it there. Great times I tell you. We would also go swimming in the creek down below the house. Now I know that when you read that word you said creek with a hard e, but you said it wrong. It is pronounced crick. It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing, if you don't have family there you wouldn't understand. Anyway, would always play in the creek and one of the main things you would do would make sure you had an old pair of shoes to wear, so that you wouldn't hurt your feet, that is where these pictures come in. 

     The first one is taken at the bottom of the walkway to my Grandmother's house, and the second is on a big ol' rock in the creek. To tell you the truth, it's the thumb in the frame for me, that really sends me. I"m guessing we were around 6 or 7 at that time. She was a year older than me. I must point out even though I already talked about it, the old shoes to protect our feet, that is an iconic look right there. You can also see them tossed in the yard in the photo above. We weren't allowed to wear them in the house, they stayed outside. Those were some good times back then. During our conversations, we figured that it has been a little over 20 years since we spoke, but like I've mentioned with good friends, you just kind of pick up where you left off as if no time had passed at all. Oh yeah, this one is for my sister. That was back in the day when I was called Bobby Beanpole, because of how skinny I was then. I wish I had those abs now. I"ll get there, but man if I didn't think I was fat back then, cause I simply didn't have much muscle mass. I really did think I was fat. See, my body dysmorphia has been a thing for my whole life. Also, you can see that I really was a blonde for a good portion of my life. My hair changed color with puberty and also got curly. I can't explain it at all. Hormones really did a number on me.

     On Tuesday I finally got to go grocery shopping and picked up a cold brew coffee maker at my grocery store. Remember I'm new to this whole coffee thing, so I went with what I know and got some Dunkin medium blend whole beans. I ground them up course as they said and filled the filter and added the water. Waited the prerequisite 24 hours and gave it a try. I was a little worried cause when I poured some into a glass, it was very weak looking, Almost like a light brown tea. I adde a little monk fruit and then some almond milk and gave it a try anyway, and it was amazing. The flavor was still strong despite it looking weak. I have to tell you, if you get a change give cold brew a try, it's the real deal. My second batch is in the fridge right now. Technically it's ready, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow to have some. I ground the beans a little more this time, but still not finely, so I'm hoping to get a darker color and even more flavor out of it. Now, if you have had cold brew before and would like to recommend some coffee beans to me to try, please do. I was going to try the one Rainforest brand until I saw that a bag was $20. Since I have no idea what I'm doing, Dunkin did the trick and it was much better than I thought it would be. I look forward to your recommendations.

     Ok, I think I've written out my feelings, cause I'm feeling a more at ease right now. I must say that this is loneliness and not depression. I haven't experienced depression or anxiety this week, which is a bit of a surprise to me. Monday will bring a new day of taking care of the things I can with my mom's passing. I have to wait for the death certificates to manage the big things, like bank account, broker, life insurance, and will. Word is that those will come in about 2 weeks, so I'm kind of at a stand still right now and don't know much of what to do in the mean time. I might try and pick up a few shifts with this employment app that I have called Instawork. I won't go into details about it right now, but it will allow me to grab some shifts doing common work for a decent pay whenever I want. That will keep me free to take care of what needs to be taken care of. Peace in and goodnight.

She Is Loved

     This may and very well be the most difficult post I ever write. I've thought long and hard about how to start this, but I still don't know exactly what to say so I'll just jump right in with the bad news. I lost my mom last night. Seeing the shell that was her body was the easy part, it was everything that led up to that that was hard.

      It happened sooner than I originally believed it would, but I knew it would happen today. Once the death rattle began, I knew it was down to a matter of hours. I won't go into detail on the death rattle, but do understand that it a terrible experience. I know that most people will discuss the sound, but it wasn't the sound for me, it was the look of fear and pain on her face that finally broke me. I made her as comfortable as I could and even lucked into putting her in the right position to ease the difficulty of that rattle, and contacted Hospice and they upped her morphine intake so she was in no pain. I gave her last dose to her maybe an hour before she passed. Midnight was that final dose and then I passed out sometime soon after that and came to at 1:30 and realized I couldn't hear her breathing anymore. I ran in and checked and she was gone. I covered her and then made the call to Hospice to notify them of her passing.

     I've gone into the horrors of dementia, but the final chapter is the most horrifying, so I plead with you to do what you have to do to avoid this diagnosis for yourself. Know this though, after going through this, I will leave no one that I know if they have this disease. One of the most difficult parts of this was having to forgive people for my mom for their absence. I understood why they did what they did, but it still hurt. I will not abandon you when that time comes. You may not remember me, but I will visit and tell you stories of our past. I owe everyone that much.

     My mom was born on October 6 1933, and she lived a good live full of love and success. Most of you who knew her, know that she was a teacher all of her life, and even in the early throws of dementia she would mention how she needed to go back and teach. It was one of the things that truly stuck in her head, so she never lost that desire to help build the future of youth. She had two kids of her own, and an extended family of three more, all of which she loved with all of her heart. She reached peace on March 14 2022. That is 88+ years of life that were well lived. She may not have experienced all the things that she wanted to, but she left an indelible mark on everyone she came into contact with. Her former students sing her praise whenever I see or hear from them.

     I'm going to take a day or two to just process all of this and figure out what my next step is. For the last 3 and even longer than that, my mom has been my entire life and although it was difficult I learned quite a bit from the whole experience, so maybe that was the last lesson she ever taught.

    She deserved so much more of a peaceful ending, but I was speaking with my sister and she told me of a buddhist belief that suffering at the end relinquishes that pain from your life so that what comes next is full of peace. I truly hope that is true, because no one deserves it more than my mother. 

    I'll end with this. I wish the best for you and everyone you love and if you have the opportunity today or in the distant future, thank a teacher for all that they do. They are the unsung heroes of our world and that would be the absolute best way to honor my mom. 

 

It's All A Matter Of Time

      Not sure how long I'm going to be able to make this today. It's been a difficult weekend, for several reasons, but mostly in the processing in what's going on. I'll tell you that I'm writing this at 5 in the morning again, and that my mom has taken a pretty dramatic turn since Friday. I'm sure that it is only a matter of days at this point before she passes. If you would have asked me that yesterday, I would surely say that she wouldn't have made it through the day, but somehow she is still here. I just cleaned her up and changed her, she hasn't taken in any fluids other than the small amount of morphine that I've been giving her since Friday, and even then it was only 2/3rds of a glass of water. I know what the body is capable of as far as fasting goes, and that basically 72 hours without water is it, which would give her until tomorrow sometime. There is a chance she could snap out of this, but I highly doubt it. She was a little more responsive just now than she had been since Friday evening, but I'm not holding out any hope.

      She has been experiencing apnea lately, which if you don't now, is bouts of simply not breathing. The last for a good 10 seconds each time, and usually follows with rapid breathing similar to hyperventilating. The morphing helps with that last part. Once I started giving it to her, her breathing has somewhat normalized. She has had several bowel movements which means that the body is still doing it's thing, but that will also dehydrate her even more. I have been wiping her face and lips with a damp cloth and running a sponge swab with some water on it across her lips to get her some moisture, but I know it isn't enough.

     I'm not going to bother going into where I'm at mentally, because as I said before, I've compartmentalized everything in order to deal with taking care of her. I've been very machine like in this and have no time for my emotions to get in the way. I'm sure there are several people that will tell me how bad that is for me, but they aren't dealing with what I'm dealing with. Her care is the most important thing in my life right now, and I can't miss a beat because I'm having some mental moment, I can't afford it, and neither can she. This is extremely traumatic and I know it. Watching someone die slowly is not at all fun. I hope you never have to go through this, but if you do, do not let anyone tell you that they understand what you are going through and that they have experienced it before unless they have lived through your exact experience. You can't know what it's like to lose your mother in such a slow and disturbingly methodical manner. That is the thing about dementia, it attacks the mind, but in doing so, it slowly shuts down the body. Bit by bit, you can watch as it tears through the mind then the functions of the body; memory, motor skills, appetite, and finally life support functions. I will not hesitate to end my life if I ever get the diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimers. I won't put myself or anyone I care about through that.

     If the inevitable happens this week, I won't wait to write about it, so that you will be informed of my mom's passing as soon as possible. I don't know the time, but I'm sure it is soon.

     Not to change the mood, but I did begin a new painting, which I doubt now that I will ever finish. It was rather ambitious to begin with, and now with the acceleration of my mom's decline, it is moving to the back burner, although there is something said for using it as an escape mechanism. I have no idea what each minute holds for me right now. Since I have no idea if I will finish I will show you the first picture of it in the process. I used the masking technique again and it took me an hour and  half to mask it all off in the order that I need to do it, so that I can paint it in phases ( that of course is if I have the mental capacity to work on it ). I'm sure you can get an idea from this picture as to what may come, but you really have no idea of the images that are in my head right now, which by the way, they change quite often, but the theme is still the base of all images. Here is the picture I took right in the middle of masking. I forgot to take one at the very early stages of it, so this is actually near the end of it all, but still a half hour to go. 

      When pulling up that photo, it reminded me that I do have some more pictures to share. I mentioned last week that I had a surprise project that I was going to work on, to basically free up my mind. Well it did work for the time being, because working on it was when I came up with the idea for the painting. I built a Lego car. A Ford Mustang to be exact and it was a bit challenging. This was halfway through the build. 

     That was when it began actually looking like it could be a car. When you see all the parts scattered, you think that there is no way that could end up being like the picture, but alas, it does. Here is the proof. 

     I have two more shots, but I'll put those at the bottom. This was fun but it did only take me a day, so that whole mind escape thing was very short lived.

     Once again there is no Favorite Thing of the Week, because I can't really enjoy anything right now. I've missed Friday Night Vinyl the last two weeks because my mom was resting at the time I would normally take the pictures and play the record, so I just couldn't do it. I will get back to that well, you know when. In the mean time enjoy these last two photos of the care. Peace in and goodnight.

I Actually Finished It

      Ok, I'm writing this at 5 o'clock in the morning, because what else is there to do. Anyway, I have a lot to share so lets just get into it. I managed to finish the painting and the frame. I know, I'm shocked myself. I did quite a bit of deliberating over what exactly I was going to do, so keeping in the vain of the idea of using UV paint, I kept it as freaky as possible. First the process. I did a whole lot of things I'd never done before in painting; masking, dry brushing, spray painting (I know, that one isn't really something I'd never done, just not with a painting), splatter, and finally going a little abstract, with a art deco vibe. First the masking. I had an initial plan of a center piece with stripes. Makes sense? No, but when you see the picture you will understand.

     That was right before spray painting, and as you can see there is a big circle in the center that is masked off. At this point I had no idea what was going in that center piece. Was it just going to be a shape, maybe some sort of land scape, a logo of some sort? All those things ran through my head, but I decided to just focus on the task at hand, which was laying down the black spray paint, and then the splatter. Now a lot of people will tell you that doing splatter is very simple, and in general terms it is, but in order to get exactly the look you want, there is a technique to it, and I found that out really quickly. It's a whole flick of the wrist sort of thing that I really can't explain cause it's more of a feel. Next step coming up in photo form.

 

    I know that looks really cool right? I really feel in love with the whole process and do plan on doing just a Jackson Pollack type splatter painting in the future. I really like how it came out, but it was time for the unmasking, well partially. 

      I know, it looks a bit drab, but you have to remember it's all a process. Yes, this is the part where I got a little discouraged because as I said, I really liked that splatter look. Still, I had a plan and I was sticking to it. One more technique before taking the center tape off and start really thinking about what was going there, and that was the dry brushing technique. I'm not sure if I really did a good job with this, but I like how it came out, and it is pretty much what I envisioned. The idea was not to overpower it with too much color. 

     To me, that was the right amount of color, and yes I was testing it with a UV light to see just how it would pop. Now I needed time to think about what was going in the center so it was frame time. I had a very simple idea that I tried to over complicate, but in the end I just followed the kiss concept. Keep it simple stupid. I had this grand idea of routing out edges and inlays and all kinds of things that more than likely would have been a disaster. The idea for the frame was simple, frame the picture and not overpower it, which seems easy, but when you realize I was putting UV lights on the frame to light up the picture, that becomes a little more difficult, and I have to tell you, there was a pleasant surprise from this, but I'll get to that later. I just want you to live the process as I did, but in a compressed amount of time by simply reading about it. Ok the frame was made from 1x2 wood mitered to fit together and assembled around a spare canvas so that I would have the right fitting. I got black high gloss paint and this really neat glitter spray paint to add a little pizzaz to it. The black had to go down first and then I needed that to dry over night so that I could mask off all the black and lay down the glitter silver. This is where everything went awry. I got a little excited about this part and decided it was a good idea to lay down the silver at 5 in the morning while it was still pitch black out. This turned out to be a very bad idea. I over sprayed it big time because I was getting used to how that glitter effected the whole spraying process, but then disaster happened when I went to move it back into the garage and hang it to dry. I had this old piece of plywood that was more like s sliver or stick. The idea was to pick it up with that and simply hang it to dry for the rest of the day. This did not go as planned. Turns out that little sliver of plywood was super weak and snapped right in the middle sending the frame peanut butter side down on the ground. I was devastated to say the least. I picked it up wiped a lot of the paint off and simply hung it up and left it. I needed a day to process this whole event, and I also needed to get more paint. Second can of paint clogged and I needed to wait another day to go get another can of paint, but finally I layed down the glitter silver. 

     The pictures don't really do it justice, but it really does have that glitter shimmer to it. Next step was unmasking the black paint and setting the UV strip light into the frame. This of course didn't come without it's own problems. I had to first cut the strip to length and then run it through the hole I drilled in the bottom of the frame, then I had to pull the adhesive coating off while laying down the strip, which really should have taken about 4 hands, but I only have the two. One thing I didn't realize is that when I cut the little plastic film I cut through the strip itself. I found this out after a few times of plugging it in and out a few times. It finally separated and I had to remove the whole strip. Yes, I could have just cut it to the next contact point, but that would have made it about 6 inches too short, so it had to be completely redone. This was a common theme throughout this whole thing, learning from your mistakes. Oh yeah, I did build a mock up frame just because I knew I would make a mistake with that, and I did. I accidentally set the saw at the wrong angle for one of the cuts, but the plan was to make mistakes with that. Back to the frame. I finally got the strip back in and did an even better job with it this time, so it all worked out the way ti was supposed to. 

      Pretty cool right. Ok, we are almost to the big reveal and that pleasant surprise that I was talking about. With the frame done I had to finally think about what was going in that center space. I went back to the whole kiss concept and kept it simple yet again. It also leaned hard on the freak factor, since this was essentially a hippy black light poster, and went with simple iris. You know the color part of your eye? I of course decided that I wanted it purple and had to try and mix the UV paint to get that color, all along hoping beyond hope that it wouldn't mess up the whole UV reactive part of the paint. I layed down the first color and hated it. It was way too maroon, so I focused on that little part of darker color around most peoples pupils. I got that a nice deep purple and just let it dry with my disappointment of that base color. No, I don't have a picture of that disaster. Now I had to not only worry about mixing messing up the reactive effect, but I now had to add in white which I was sure was going to destroy the desired effete, Oh, well, it didn't all  have to light up. I put in some time doing my normal painting techniques for most of this, but then threw in some more of that dry brushing, all the while having no real idea of how it would finally look, because I needed it pitch black and with the frame around it, but I couldn't bit it in the frame until it was done, so I only had a tiny UV flashlight to get an idea of how it would look. The other thing I had to think about was of course how it would look with the normal house lights on. It had to look both pleasing and unique under both conditions but there was only one that I really had control over and that is these next to pictures. First one is right after I finished and the second is it actually hangin in the frame.

     Not bad if I do say so myself, but that doesn't mean anything if no one else likes it. Now with that I have the final big reveal. Now I had to take several shots of this to get the right look. The first one I took was during the day so there was still some natural light slipping in, the second one I had a few house lights on that effected it, but then I finally got this shot which was with all the lights in the house off and just the frame lit up. Finally after all this writing I present to you Timothy Leary's Last Trip. Yeah, that's the name I gave it. 

 

     I somehow got it to do exactly what I wanted it to do, and the happy surprise was that the lights lined up as they did. I couldn't have planned that better if I tried, it was just a very happy accident. Remember I didn't put the painting in the frame until after it was completed, and considering I just eyeballed the placement of the tape when I masked it off, it makes it ever more surprising. Once again I must say that the photo doesn't really do it justice because there are places where it looks almost 3D with how the UV paint jumps off the black.

      This whole process was both frustrating and rewarding. Despite that frustration I had a wonderful time doing this, and when I was finally done, I was a little disappointed that I had nothing more to do, which is a good thing. I found that I really enjoy that whole splatter technique and really look forward to doing that again. I have more UV lights so maybe that whole black background with splatter and then another technique that I wanted to try but didn't on this one (stippling) but ended up not doing. I think those two together will be great of the type of paining. I might even splatter the frame to make it all cohesive. It's going to be fun. For the first time in a long time it felt like I accomplished something and that in itself is rewarding. The last, well 3 years for the most part have been incredibly difficult, and draining on my whole soul, so getting a creative idea and actually seeing it through was, well in a word, miraculous. This has planted the seed for more ideas, I'll just have to see what springs up in the future. In the meantime I have a new project that is just meant to take my mind off things and I might share that with you when I'm all done with it. This one isn't creative, but it should be fun.

      Needless to say, the painting is my Favorite Thing of the Week, so no song or video today. I had more I wanted to talk about but it can wait until next week since I've already taken up so much of your time, but I will say it was Pokemon related so you get a break this week. I will just say that I had a good week Pokemon wise with one hundo and 3 shinies just over the past 24 hours. Peace in and goodnight.