Not sure how long I'm going to be able to make this today. It's been a difficult weekend, for several reasons, but mostly in the processing in what's going on. I'll tell you that I'm writing this at 5 in the morning again, and that my mom has taken a pretty dramatic turn since Friday. I'm sure that it is only a matter of days at this point before she passes. If you would have asked me that yesterday, I would surely say that she wouldn't have made it through the day, but somehow she is still here. I just cleaned her up and changed her, she hasn't taken in any fluids other than the small amount of morphine that I've been giving her since Friday, and even then it was only 2/3rds of a glass of water. I know what the body is capable of as far as fasting goes, and that basically 72 hours without water is it, which would give her until tomorrow sometime. There is a chance she could snap out of this, but I highly doubt it. She was a little more responsive just now than she had been since Friday evening, but I'm not holding out any hope.
She has been experiencing apnea lately, which if you don't now, is bouts of simply not breathing. The last for a good 10 seconds each time, and usually follows with rapid breathing similar to hyperventilating. The morphing helps with that last part. Once I started giving it to her, her breathing has somewhat normalized. She has had several bowel movements which means that the body is still doing it's thing, but that will also dehydrate her even more. I have been wiping her face and lips with a damp cloth and running a sponge swab with some water on it across her lips to get her some moisture, but I know it isn't enough.
I'm not going to bother going into where I'm at mentally, because as I said before, I've compartmentalized everything in order to deal with taking care of her. I've been very machine like in this and have no time for my emotions to get in the way. I'm sure there are several people that will tell me how bad that is for me, but they aren't dealing with what I'm dealing with. Her care is the most important thing in my life right now, and I can't miss a beat because I'm having some mental moment, I can't afford it, and neither can she. This is extremely traumatic and I know it. Watching someone die slowly is not at all fun. I hope you never have to go through this, but if you do, do not let anyone tell you that they understand what you are going through and that they have experienced it before unless they have lived through your exact experience. You can't know what it's like to lose your mother in such a slow and disturbingly methodical manner. That is the thing about dementia, it attacks the mind, but in doing so, it slowly shuts down the body. Bit by bit, you can watch as it tears through the mind then the functions of the body; memory, motor skills, appetite, and finally life support functions. I will not hesitate to end my life if I ever get the diagnosis of dementia or Alzheimers. I won't put myself or anyone I care about through that.
If the inevitable happens this week, I won't wait to write about it, so that you will be informed of my mom's passing as soon as possible. I don't know the time, but I'm sure it is soon.
Not to change the mood, but I did begin a new painting, which I doubt now that I will ever finish. It was rather ambitious to begin with, and now with the acceleration of my mom's decline, it is moving to the back burner, although there is something said for using it as an escape mechanism. I have no idea what each minute holds for me right now. Since I have no idea if I will finish I will show you the first picture of it in the process. I used the masking technique again and it took me an hour and half to mask it all off in the order that I need to do it, so that I can paint it in phases ( that of course is if I have the mental capacity to work on it ). I'm sure you can get an idea from this picture as to what may come, but you really have no idea of the images that are in my head right now, which by the way, they change quite often, but the theme is still the base of all images. Here is the picture I took right in the middle of masking. I forgot to take one at the very early stages of it, so this is actually near the end of it all, but still a half hour to go.
When pulling up that photo, it reminded me that I do have some more pictures to share. I mentioned last week that I had a surprise project that I was going to work on, to basically free up my mind. Well it did work for the time being, because working on it was when I came up with the idea for the painting. I built a Lego car. A Ford Mustang to be exact and it was a bit challenging. This was halfway through the build.
That was when it began actually looking like it could be a car. When you see all the parts scattered, you think that there is no way that could end up being like the picture, but alas, it does. Here is the proof.
I have two more shots, but I'll put those at the bottom. This was fun but it did only take me a day, so that whole mind escape thing was very short lived.
Once again there is no Favorite Thing of the Week, because I can't really enjoy anything right now. I've missed Friday Night Vinyl the last two weeks because my mom was resting at the time I would normally take the pictures and play the record, so I just couldn't do it. I will get back to that well, you know when. In the mean time enjoy these last two photos of the care. Peace in and goodnight.
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