I felt need to write tonight. I'm not sure if this will take the place of what I would normally write tomorrow or not, but I'd assume that I really won't have much to say in about 15 hours. The first few days after my mom's death were surprisingly good. I'm using good as a relative term, because it's the best descriptive for the whole thing. They say you shouldn't be alone during times like these, but those days were really what I needed. I tend to bask in solitude, but there are moments, like yesterday and today, when basking is the furthest thing from what I'm doing. I of course have the dogs here, and I have some captures of cuteness coming up a little later on.
Yesterday the loneliness started hanging over me like a heavy veil. Yesterday I pushed through by watching streaming shows and playing games. Today I reached out to a few people in my usual nondescript feeling about sort of way, and as expected, they have busy lives and plans. That made today's option only 1. To the record store I would go. It was fortunate that the owner put up a video of the new "tasty morsels" that she had gotten in. Oh, why is "tasty morsels" in quotation marks you ask? Well, that is how she always starts each video of the new records she got in. In the rather full list of new unopened records she got in, was one that I've been looking for for quite some time. Depeche Mode's Violator. I had no real intention of going down there and getting it despite the fact that I knew it would go pretty fast, she did get 3 copies in, so chances were a little better than usual that one would still be there when I went on RSD in late April, but as I said, loneliness got the better of me, and off I went. All 3 copies were still there, but while I was there, someone called to have 1 held and I believe someone else was on their way to get the last copy, so My impetuous decision was fortuitous. Don't ask me why I'm using such big words, I'm the one that has kind of lost his mind from loneliness. Anyway, while I was there I struck up a conversation with her, which isn't unusual, but this one lasted for about an hour. Yes, she is rad, no she is not single, oh, and yes, she has an awesome dog that stood on my foot so I wouldn't leave and had to keep petting her. The dog not the owner. Dogs know when you are sad, so I'm blaming her foosttepping on that.
When I got home I ordered a pizza from my favorite place, which it appears has changed ownership, but they have clearly kept the recipes intact, so I'm ok with that. This is all to bring up the fact that I haven't eaten all that well this week. It was today that I realized what I was doing. This is going to sound odd, but I was punishing myself in a way. When I was caring for my mom, everything was about being healthy in order to care for her the best that I could, with her gone, I felt I didn't deserve to eat well because there was no reason to stay healthy. Don't worry, the self observation has hit my mind and I realize the idiocy of it all and will be changing things up and be back to eating healthy again tomorrow. The pizza was pretty great though.
Even with these last two days being meh', there have been some high points. I did start working on the painting again, and although progress is slow, because I'm taking my time in order to get it right, it is going well. I have been taking progress photos of it, and no I'm not going to share them at this time. You got the one preview I was willing to let out, and that was kind of against my better judgement. Another good thing is of course, the pooches snooches. They have been unreasonably adorable lately and I took a few pics to show them off. First is Morty, cause well, it's Morty.
That was when he was acting a little guilty cause he was in my chair, but I had gotten up for the night so it was all good. The next two are Ri Ri. She like Baby Girl before her, sleep soundly because of the deafness. There is a belief that Ri Ri is very hard of hearing, I haven't quite decided which is the truth yet, but because of the lack of hearing, they both sleep/slept very soundly, so getting a candid pic is very very easy.
That's my goofy girl right there, isn't she so precious? They have been fantastic company this week and make me laugh daily, with their little oddities and idiosyncrasies. For example: in the morning when I feed them, they follow me into the kitchen to the food bin and watch me very intently as I put food in their bowls. After I get their food in their bowls, I pull one piece of kibble each for them and toss it to them. This creates a bit of a frenzy as they attack me looking for more food. I get a kick out of it each and every day. Morty has knocked me over more than once in that frenzied state, and he licks my face like it is food flavored as I laugh. I truly couldn't ask for better dogs.
Here is another epic highlight to the week. One of the good things that comes out of the loss of a loved one, is the reclamation of some old relationships with family members. One of those happens to be my cousin. When we were growing up, I would visit every summer and we were like siblings when we were together. We would have these epic games of Monopoly that would quite often end in and ice fight. I remember always coming out on top of those ice fights, but that could just be my recollection. I quite fondly remember her saving a snowball from winter in the freezer just for our next round of Monopoly, I managed to procure said frozen snowball and shoved it up her shirt in the back as I sat on her, and just held it there. Great times I tell you. We would also go swimming in the creek down below the house. Now I know that when you read that word you said creek with a hard e, but you said it wrong. It is pronounced crick. It's a Pennsylvania dutch thing, if you don't have family there you wouldn't understand. Anyway, would always play in the creek and one of the main things you would do would make sure you had an old pair of shoes to wear, so that you wouldn't hurt your feet, that is where these pictures come in.
The first one is taken at the bottom of the walkway to my Grandmother's house, and the second is on a big ol' rock in the creek. To tell you the truth, it's the thumb in the frame for me, that really sends me. I"m guessing we were around 6 or 7 at that time. She was a year older than me. I must point out even though I already talked about it, the old shoes to protect our feet, that is an iconic look right there. You can also see them tossed in the yard in the photo above. We weren't allowed to wear them in the house, they stayed outside. Those were some good times back then. During our conversations, we figured that it has been a little over 20 years since we spoke, but like I've mentioned with good friends, you just kind of pick up where you left off as if no time had passed at all. Oh yeah, this one is for my sister. That was back in the day when I was called Bobby Beanpole, because of how skinny I was then. I wish I had those abs now. I"ll get there, but man if I didn't think I was fat back then, cause I simply didn't have much muscle mass. I really did think I was fat. See, my body dysmorphia has been a thing for my whole life. Also, you can see that I really was a blonde for a good portion of my life. My hair changed color with puberty and also got curly. I can't explain it at all. Hormones really did a number on me.
On Tuesday I finally got to go grocery shopping and picked up a cold brew coffee maker at my grocery store. Remember I'm new to this whole coffee thing, so I went with what I know and got some Dunkin medium blend whole beans. I ground them up course as they said and filled the filter and added the water. Waited the prerequisite 24 hours and gave it a try. I was a little worried cause when I poured some into a glass, it was very weak looking, Almost like a light brown tea. I adde a little monk fruit and then some almond milk and gave it a try anyway, and it was amazing. The flavor was still strong despite it looking weak. I have to tell you, if you get a change give cold brew a try, it's the real deal. My second batch is in the fridge right now. Technically it's ready, but I'm going to wait until tomorrow to have some. I ground the beans a little more this time, but still not finely, so I'm hoping to get a darker color and even more flavor out of it. Now, if you have had cold brew before and would like to recommend some coffee beans to me to try, please do. I was going to try the one Rainforest brand until I saw that a bag was $20. Since I have no idea what I'm doing, Dunkin did the trick and it was much better than I thought it would be. I look forward to your recommendations.
Ok, I think I've written out my feelings, cause I'm feeling a more at ease right now. I must say that this is loneliness and not depression. I haven't experienced depression or anxiety this week, which is a bit of a surprise to me. Monday will bring a new day of taking care of the things I can with my mom's passing. I have to wait for the death certificates to manage the big things, like bank account, broker, life insurance, and will. Word is that those will come in about 2 weeks, so I'm kind of at a stand still right now and don't know much of what to do in the mean time. I might try and pick up a few shifts with this employment app that I have called Instawork. I won't go into details about it right now, but it will allow me to grab some shifts doing common work for a decent pay whenever I want. That will keep me free to take care of what needs to be taken care of. Peace in and goodnight.
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