She Is Loved

     This may and very well be the most difficult post I ever write. I've thought long and hard about how to start this, but I still don't know exactly what to say so I'll just jump right in with the bad news. I lost my mom last night. Seeing the shell that was her body was the easy part, it was everything that led up to that that was hard.

      It happened sooner than I originally believed it would, but I knew it would happen today. Once the death rattle began, I knew it was down to a matter of hours. I won't go into detail on the death rattle, but do understand that it a terrible experience. I know that most people will discuss the sound, but it wasn't the sound for me, it was the look of fear and pain on her face that finally broke me. I made her as comfortable as I could and even lucked into putting her in the right position to ease the difficulty of that rattle, and contacted Hospice and they upped her morphine intake so she was in no pain. I gave her last dose to her maybe an hour before she passed. Midnight was that final dose and then I passed out sometime soon after that and came to at 1:30 and realized I couldn't hear her breathing anymore. I ran in and checked and she was gone. I covered her and then made the call to Hospice to notify them of her passing.

     I've gone into the horrors of dementia, but the final chapter is the most horrifying, so I plead with you to do what you have to do to avoid this diagnosis for yourself. Know this though, after going through this, I will leave no one that I know if they have this disease. One of the most difficult parts of this was having to forgive people for my mom for their absence. I understood why they did what they did, but it still hurt. I will not abandon you when that time comes. You may not remember me, but I will visit and tell you stories of our past. I owe everyone that much.

     My mom was born on October 6 1933, and she lived a good live full of love and success. Most of you who knew her, know that she was a teacher all of her life, and even in the early throws of dementia she would mention how she needed to go back and teach. It was one of the things that truly stuck in her head, so she never lost that desire to help build the future of youth. She had two kids of her own, and an extended family of three more, all of which she loved with all of her heart. She reached peace on March 14 2022. That is 88+ years of life that were well lived. She may not have experienced all the things that she wanted to, but she left an indelible mark on everyone she came into contact with. Her former students sing her praise whenever I see or hear from them.

     I'm going to take a day or two to just process all of this and figure out what my next step is. For the last 3 and even longer than that, my mom has been my entire life and although it was difficult I learned quite a bit from the whole experience, so maybe that was the last lesson she ever taught.

    She deserved so much more of a peaceful ending, but I was speaking with my sister and she told me of a buddhist belief that suffering at the end relinquishes that pain from your life so that what comes next is full of peace. I truly hope that is true, because no one deserves it more than my mother. 

    I'll end with this. I wish the best for you and everyone you love and if you have the opportunity today or in the distant future, thank a teacher for all that they do. They are the unsung heroes of our world and that would be the absolute best way to honor my mom.