I'm a little late today for a number of reasons. First of which was my inability to go to sleep last night. I'm about to be very candid and I'm sure some of you will try to reach out but please read everything first. The main reason I couldn't sleep last night was because I was contemplating suicide and trying my best not to contemplate it. It was a pretty epic battle in my head. I would run through all the different ways I could do it, then I would come up with counterarguments about why that way wasn't the right way. I spent a lot of time thinking about writing about what was going on in my head just so I could get it out of my head, but I just couldn't get out of bed at that point which was probably for the best because exhaustion finally took over around 2 in the morning. Life one out this time and I'm in a good state of mind right now. I'm simply taking this one day at a time and I will work the problem as it arises.
This all stems from the fact that I'm clearly a burden on the majority of people around me. I asked someone to give me a days notice and a time frame of when they would be picking my mom up and they just won't do it. I'm asking for too much and the only way in my head to get around that at this point is to leave this life. With my mom being in the high state of dementia that she is in, she won't miss me at all and in fact wouldn't even know that I was gone. I won't be missed. With the Schnuggie gone it's only Morty left and if he goes I honestly don't see myself far behind. He is the glue that is holding me to this realm right now. Will that change and more will hold me here, I don't know but I'm tired of burdening everyone with being me. I'm just really tired.
I did make a point today to go see a friend of mine. One, like basically all of my friends, I haven't seen him in months. Once again, I'm a terrible friend because I just can't go out and make time for my friends, but I did today, which is another reason why this is late. I had no idea of what amount of time I had to hang out, so I just decided that I would hang until someone contacted me saying I needed to be back. It was a good visit, and I'm glad I went. I was also thankful I could go without giving him any notice. I would have been great to plan something like a cookout, or to go someplace, but I had no notice that I was even going to do that, and if I did, I wouldn't know how much time I had to planning anything would have just ended in disappointment. This also makes me tired. I'm just really really tired.
On to a little update. I'm slowly working on the paw print mold of the Schnuggie. The epoxy is taking much more time than I expected, but it is looking good.
You can't tell from the photo but there is a clear gloss epoxy on there, that makes it shine. I'll get a better picture when it's all done. Oh, I nearly forgot. I was checking the mail earlier this week and got an envelope from the vet. Inside was a condolence card signed by all the employees from the vet, it was a very nice surprise. Inside of the card was a smaller card. I didn't think much about it while I was reading the little notes from everybody. When I was done I pulled the card out and turned it over and was punched in the gut. It was an ink paw print from The Schnuggie. I completely lost it and nearly collapsed to the floor in the kitchen. I was not expecting that. I immediately walked out and hugged Morty for about a half an hour. I don't have a picture of it for you because I haven't been able to bring myself to look at it again, but when I do, I'm thinking of getting a small frame so that I can hang it near my chair. The Schnuggie used to always lay right next to my chair so that I could reach down and pet her. This will be my way of having her near me again.
I'm just going to call it a day here. Oh, I'm editing this right after I posted because I did forget one thing. If you subscribed to the email list this will probably be your final email. Google is no longer going to send them out after this month and unless I right a new post before the 30th, this is it. I do post a link on Facebook but if you don't want to go that route (and I don't blame you), I will always try to have this posted every Sunday by 5PM eastern standard time. There is no Favorite Thing of the Week for me this week. Once again, I'm going to take each day as it comes and do my best to fight through it. I still have Morty and that is a lot Peace in and goodnight.
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