Future Days

      I survived another Christmas. Did I mention that this is my least favorite holiday. I never feel more alone than this time of the year, and it down right sucks, but enough of that. I have a few television recommendations for you. The first two are on Disney +, so I'm hoping you have that so that you can see these two animated movies. The first one is Ron's Gone Wrong. Without giving anything away it's about a boy and his robot, but it's more than that of course. It's real fun and heartwarming which is exactly what I needed to get through this week.

    The second is more of that fun and heartwarming feeling, but has a cultural aspect that I really enjoyed. I like seeing the world through a different lens. It kind of took me back to when I visited New Mexico for the first time and was able to look around and see that no one looked like me. It was refreshing and so is this movie. What's the movie? Well it's Encanto and it's really fun with great animation. I did make the mistake of reading comments on a Disney post about the film and it was exactly what I expected. Please don't be like those people and look at cultural diversity with an open mind and heart. We can only learn from each other, and that is a gift.

     Last film recommendation comes from Netflix and it's a new movie that stars Leonardo DiCaprio and Jennifer Lawrence, although it's really an all star cast. They just happen to be the leads. It's called Don't Look Up, and yes it is an analogy for the climate crisis but you can also correlate it to something else that just happens to be going on right now. It's a dark comedy, but is pretty poignant and quite terrifying in it's accuracy of the current human mentality. Once again without giving anything away this kind of falls in my belief that if there was a god and he had a son, and he sent him back for the second coming, there is a certain faction of people that would absolutely dismiss him as lunacy based on their fundamentally misguided beliefs. This isn't me saying religion is wrong, this is me saying that certain people within religion would simply denounce their own savior because they simply believe they are right and can't be wrong. Anyway, watch all three of those movies if you can. You will enjoy them.

     There really isn't a whole lot for me to talk about this week, hence the starting out with some recommendations. I have decided on a couple of things to do when my mom goes for her visit to that hospice house. I of course am having work done on my car, it's just maintenance stuff, but important, so I can get that out of the way. I'm also planning a long and perusing visit to the record store. I've always been constrained to someone else's time so I don't really get the chance to truly appreciate what is there. Although I broke my eating yesterday with a few sweet treats, I'm extending the 4 weeks until the 7th of January, so I can enjoy that time to myself. This coming week would be week 4 and I would be on my off week on Jan.3rd, so I'm just extending the clean eating for 4 more days. I plan on having another latte, Yeah I know I'm going crazy.

     The 7th is also a pretty big day for me in general. That will be the fifth year anniversary of my last drink. I've had several thoughts on this, all from maybe I should break the streak and have a drink, just to see what it would do to me, or to actually celebrate the fact that I've successfully gone 5 years without a drink. The having a drink thing would be more of a science experiment to me, but I don't think it's a necessary one. I've never tested the drinking on keto thing. Keto supposedly drastically weakens your tolerance, which was something I had a plethora of before I quit. I doubt I could drink now what I did then regardless. What this brings me to, is that I'm not going to do that test and simply do something a rarely do and acknowledge a pretty lofty accomplishment and that is 5 years of sobriety. 

     Ok, Favorite Song of the Week comes from a pretty iconic band that I recently became more enamored with thanks to my buddy, and this song oddly enough I first heard as a sort of cover in a video game. The band is none other than Pearl Jam and the song which I heard first on the video game The Last of Us 2, is "Future Days". It's beautiful yet haunting. I find it sad, but I'm sure most other people will get a different emotion from it. I'm just coming from a different place than most people. I'm hoping you will go search out Joel's version from the game, but I'm going to share with you the original PJ version, so here is Pearl Jam with "Future Days".

     My current goal is to learn that song on guitar. I've been lacking in anything creative and that includes picking up the guitar or ukulele. I miss it very much but whenever I try to get the urge to pick either of them up, something stops me. This has created a pretty dark existence for myself and I'm hoping this song and the gifts that my buddy gave me will spark something. I still want to write and draw and create, but I'm struggling with actually doing it right now. I've always liked a challenge, so my new challenge is to break this dark cycle. I'll let you know how that goes. Peace in and goodnight.

Take The Box

       I thought I'd start off with a coffee update. I'm currently having a cup while I write this. Still Dunkin but this was a different' flavor. Mind you these are the pods. This one is Caramel Me Crazy, while the other I got was French Vanilla. This one is not my favorite. It smells nice, but it tastes burnt, which is a bummer. There is very little caramel flavor in it, so I'm going to stick with the French Vanilla for now on, but I have to use up all the caramel pods first which kind of sucks. Oh well, maybe I'll develop a taste for it by the time I'm done.

     Got some pretty rad news this week, when the social worker from Hospice called me. This was a temporary SW (not sex worker but social worker, yeah I saw the mistake right after typing it) and she filled me in on a few of the things that they offer clients. One of which was a respite at their Hospice House. They are staffed 4-1 nurses to patients and each patient has their own room for up to 5 days a week. They say this is for my benefit so that I can get a break, but I see it as more as a benefit for my mom since she will be in a protective environment and get to meet and see new people. I honestly don't know what I'll do with myself with all that free time. I've planned her visit to coincide with a service appointment with my car. I was struggling with a way to figure out how to get this done and the answer was gifted to me. Maybe I'll see a movie or something. I'm hoping to maybe do a review or two with The Pepperoni Report, but who knows. By the way, if anyone wants to hang out between Jan.7th-Jan.11th, hit me up. I'll have free time, but expect to see me in a mask.

      Speaking of mask, new cases are on a rise again, especially here in Florida where our Governor has chosen the let's let everyone get it approach. I can't find a testing site anymore, but there's a monoclonal antibody site right outside my neighborhood. They are calling it the treatment approach, this is of course opposed to the preventative approach. This is my main problem with most doctors, they are reactive as opposed to proactive. I was floored when my partner in TPR told me his doctor wanted him to change his eating habits as a preventative measure to avoid problems that were very much on the horizon for me. To me, that is a great doctor. One that truly cares about their patients and not their bottomline, and that is exactly what the treatment method is with the state of Florida. They are taking care of the bottomline and not the citizens of the state. Ok, that's my political rant for the month.

     I have a bit of a quandary. As you know, I go out very early in the morning and drive around and spin Pokestops. It's the easiest way for me to get that done since it's 3-4 in the morning and there is no way my mom will be awake. Well, this Friday/Saturday was where the quandary arose. I go to the little downtown area where there are a lot of Pokestops. That way I can fill up my item bag and then go home and not really have to worry about needing balls, berries, or potions for the rest of the day. I'll explain all of those some other time, but trust me they are necessary to play the game. While I spin the stops I'm also looking for grunts to battle. In the game a grunt is a member of Team Rocket. If you ever watched the animated series you know Jessie & James along with their Pokemon Meowth. Well in Pokemon Go, Team Rocket has them, but also consists of a big boss, Giovani, three leaders, Sierra, Arlo, and Cliff, as well as the grunts or foot soldiers if you will. You can find the grunts at random Pokestops and when you fight them, you get to catch something known as a shadow Pokemon, another thing I will talk about at another time, and you get a piece of a Rocket Radar. The Rocket Radar is how you find the leaders to fight them to get better shadow Pokemon. Giovani is a whole other thing. Anyway I had stopped on the side of the road to fight a grunt I had come across, and as I was sitting there, I noticed a person walking up the road about a quarter of a mile off. They were zigzagging from  side of the road to side of the road so I figured it was the random drunk that had somehow found a nice place to pass out for a while. As they got a bit closer I noticed that it was a woman, and I began to wonder if maybe something had happened to her. There are a lot of things that can happen to a woman in an area that is known for it's night time environment. I finished up with the grunt and caught my shadow Pokemon and started the car and began driving towards her. Several thoughts crossed my mind, should I see if she needs help, should I see if she needs a ride. Instead I just drove passed her, with the thought of, what if I give her help and my face is the only one she remembers and I get the blame for what happened to her. I drove by out of my own selfishness, and I can't quite get passed that. I will say that Morty was also in the car which really wound't have been a problem because he would only want the pets. You see this is how I'm trying to defend my lack of courage in helping someone that could have been in need. Do you think I did the right thing, or did I complete fail that woman? I really want to know, just leave a comment below, the comment section is fixed now and I can comment back. I'm really torn over this whole event and even if I'm reassured that I did what was best I won't see it that way.

     Ok, on to more fun things. Ri Ri has had some issues that last few nights with not being able to sleep and pacing around the house. I think it may have something to do with the full moon, but she has never acted this way before so I can't be at all sure. I tried giving her the calming medication that the vet gave me and it kind of worked, but not as effect as in previous uses of it. Anyway, as I was making my coffee this morning this is how she was looking at me. Mind you part of her anxiety appears to be me not being near her. She has to be near or in proximity of me at all times and when I sleep I'm in a whole different room from her. 

     I'm telling you, she is the sweetest girl, you just wouldn't know if it you ever met her cause she would try to chew your face off. This is also part of the overprotective thing with me. I do think with all the nurses coming in the house the past week she is beginning to mellow on that, but not enough that I could just leave her inside when they come.

     I think there was something else I wanted to talk about but right now I can't remember what it was. I should really jot stuff like this down during the week and then read the notes when I write this. Oh well, lets just get to Favorite Song of the Week. I had several that I could choose from this week. I even shelved this one at one point for another one, but I'm going back to this one for the very reason I chose it. One it's really good, and two it highlights the talent of someone that I think you will very soon know a great deal about. This goes back to Kurstin and Grohl and their Hannukah series. This performance was from night 5 and I know you are already going, "but I know who Dave Grohl is". I know you do and I even featured this performer once before with Dave. The reason I chose this one is not Dave but his daughter Violet. She not only is an incredible singer (Dave has said that he wants to be in her band), but she is an amazing mimic. The first performance I shared was their version of X's Nausea, and she did perfect punk style vocals. I've also seen video of her doing Adele and Nirvana covers and with the Nirvana one especially she sounds exactly like Kurt Cobain. I'm telling you, she is going to be the next big thing at some point, so you may as well get to know her and her talent now. Her is Night Five featuring Violet Grohl performing Amy Winehouse's, "Take The Box".

       

      The shear joy and the conclusion just puts it over the top for me. Get ready, because she will get a record deal at some point, and based on Dave's book The Storyteller, he may get kicked out of the band for his daughter Harper on drums. I guess he could still be on guitar but it would be very Dave if Harper got the gig and he didn't. By the way, that is a great book and it just reaffirms my option of him as a rad dude. A friend once did a post asking if you could talk to anyone alive or dead who would it be. My reply was Dave Grohl cause he just seems rad. That was a few years ago when I commented that, and each year proves me more and more right.

     Peace in and goodnight.

My Dating Life Sucks

      So I woke up at midnight and a whole bunch of thoughts crept into my head and now I can't get back to sleep. So, instead of just laying there waiting for nothing to happen, I thought I would just write about what's going on. It is currently 1:53 AM and this is how it all began. 

     For some reason my misery in dating is stuck in my head and it goes back quite a ways since I haven't' gone on an actual date in I believe 6 years. It may be more, I just can't remember, but lets go back to the beginning of this current end, and where the thoughts crept into my head.

     I've always struggled with dating, I mean take a good look at me. The disadvantage is obvious. Getting someone over the hurdle of my looks is quite the obstacle, but when I finally get a date I have to work like mad to get a second date. The beginning of this takes me back to my last real relationship. When we went on our first date, we were found out by some friends of mine, and they decided to lightheartedly sabotage the date. Once again I'm already at maybe the middle of the ladder, when this happens and they knock me down a few rungs I'm near the bottom. This time I somehow managed to claw my way back up and got that second date. I honestly thought that was the relationship that would end all relationships for me, but it wasn't the case. To this day, if she somehow reached out to me and said she wanted to give it another try, I wouldn't hesitate. I won't get into all the details on what happened and why that would probably be wrong for me, cause that's for another time. This is all about dating.

     The second most recent date, and when I say most recent I mean like 13 years ago, maybe more. The same thing happened again, but this one broke me. I actually saw the point in my dates face when she made the decision that "this" wasn't going to happen. I was furious and I lashed out at the ones that did the sabotaging and they did the "well you did it to me", which wasn't exactly true. When I engaged in that lighthearted ribbing, they were all in established relationships that were set in stone which is evident by the fact that they are all married (one of them was married, and the other two married each other soon after) to this day. I didn't mess up their first dates. I understand what they were trying to do, but it still hurt, and apparently I'm still having aftershocks to this day, hence the reason I'm up at 2 in the morning writing this trying to decide if I'll actually publish it or if it will sit in my drafts folder for the remainder of time. (side note, I'm already leaning towards publishing just because of the whole honesty in writing commitment I made when I started this blog).

     The last first date I went on went somewhat but unorthodoxly well. I mean she did get in a car accident right behind be on our way home. We did date for a short while and it seemed things were heading in a good direction, that was until I went on vacation to see some friends. Unbeknownst to be, it turns out she was dating at least one other person at the time, and when I was out of the area, that was her chance to check me off the list. The thing that hurt about that one was that she just stopped communicating, the proverbial ghosting if you will. It sucked, I would have been ok with her telling me, "hey, it's just not working out, and I've been seeing someone else and I think they are the one." but that option wasn't on the table.

     That was the last real date, or series of dates I was on. That was probably 6 years ago like I said, but I really don't have any way of verifying the exact time frame. I did have a sort of one night stand 5 years ago, that I tried to turn into a relationship, but that clearly didn't workout at all. I thought we were out on a date after, but for her it was just two friends out to dinner and a concert. 

     Since then, there has only really been a handful of opportunities for dates. I documented the one that I met on a dating app and after she read this blog decided to cancel the date. I've learned not to give out link to this blog for potential dates since then, but in all honesty, there haven't been any that have really gotten that close. The last potential date would have been this woman I knew from a bar that I frequented. The only problem with that one was that my buddy, (and I know this is rather archaic thinking) called dibs and asked her out first, so my ridiculous bro code came into play. At the last minute she cancelled the date with him, and he and I went out to drown his sorrows. In the process of said drowning we ran into her at one of the bars. I guess you could say she was caught red handed, but I didn't make anything of it. He tried his best, or maybe it was his worst to coax her into going back to his place that night. His whole goal was to just have sex with her, not build any type of relationship. I on the other hand was interested in her friend which was another woman that I knew from the bar, so I spent most of my time talking with her. No, I didn't want to just sleep with her, and maybe that is part of my problem. I really want a relationship, not a one night stand. Any way, the night went on and we decided to head out since he wasn't getting anywhere, and when I hugged his (yeah I see it and hate that I wrote it that way) woman goodnight she whispered in my eat that she loved me. I responded in kind, because I do, but I wan't thinking in that way at all, and we went our merry ways.

      This is where the bro code (really not fond of that term so lets go with active morals instead) came into play. Since he had asked her out, she was off limits to me. I also chalked up her declaration of love as just drunken loose lips, since we never had any discussion of those events since that night. It was weird but I think that if my sense of active morals didn't overrule my feelings I would have spoken to her and possibly gone on a date with her. That is clearly my own failing.

     I've tried the online dating thing, but I think my active morals or some kind of weird code that I have always gets in the way. I have this weird thing about conversations and how they should go. One person starts by asking a question to get to learn something about the person. The other person responds with and answer, and then follows with a question of their own, or some sort of talking point to further the conversation, but with online dating it seems that no one really wants to get to know anyone and if in the first couple of correspondence if you don't ask for a number or to meet up, the conversation just dies. I'm clearly not made for online dating, and with my current situation, I can't go out and meet people, so what it basically boils down to, I truly don't think love is for me. I have Morty and Ri Ri, and I guess that is enough. They give me unconditional love as long as I feed them, which I have no plans of not doing.

     I don't know, I think this was a good exercise for me, but it definitely doesn't solve my problem of being awake at now 2:26 in the morning. I think I'm just going to stay up for now and preview this before I hit publish (told you I was leaning towards publishing this). I do have to go to the grocery store for my Monday task in 4 and a half hours, so this is just my early start to the day. I do think I'll get Morty and drive out to hit my Pokestops. Yeah Pokemon made it's way into this post. Until Sunday, unless I have another sleepless night, peace in and goodnight.

I Just Don't Know

     I completely forgot to mention the coffee experiment last week. On that first Monday of off eating I stopped by Dunkin Donuts to give a latte a try. I had no idea what I was ordering and opted for the fancy schmancy whipped cream topped peppermint latte. The big problem with having no idea of what I was ordering, I ordered it all wrong, which turned out to be a pleasant mistake. What I got was a plain latte with a peppermint swirl, and I have to say, that was the absolute right way to go. I really enjoyed it, and went out later in the week for another's except this time I had an idea what I was doing so I went with a caramel latte which was even better. These are only available to me when I'm in my off week, there are far too many carbs in one for my normal keto eating, so I decided to get some Dunkin Donut pods and give their straight coffee a try. It's not the same enjoyable drink as the latte, but it's tolerable and way to get in that good ECGC effect from coffee that is what I really want from it. ECGC is kind of a catalytic effect from coffee and green tea which helps in reducing inflammation and aids in weight loss. There's also a belief that it aids in knocking down some chronic diseases. I'm not too sure on that last one, but the other two are the reason I wanted to give coffee a fair shot. So far so good. I've had a cup a day this week, and things are going well.

     This week has been unusual because of the influx of nurses and social workers that have come in for the hospice care. They even mentioned that they could send someone to sit with my mom so that I could have a break, but in all honesty, I have no idea how to ask for that. I've been doing this so long with little help, that I don't know any other way of doing things right now. Getting a few hours for myself seems like a luxury that I shouldn't have. This kind of goes along with my reasons that I don't like Christmas or my birthday. I simply feel undeserving of gifts. I always have. There is always and awkward feeling the envelopes me when I open a gift from anyone. The thought that they could have given this to someone else more deserving than me, or that I really don't need anything. I know how weird that sounds, but those are my exact feelings any time I receive a gift. I simply don't deserve it. This also the reason I hated competing at martial arts tournaments. Even if I worked hard and won based on my skill and merit, I felt like it was the wrong choice. The only time I felt accomplished in winning at a tournament was the time I won a partners medal with my friend. Even then it was more out the pride a felt for her and that she was the reason we did so well. I know this is some deep psychological stuff that I haven't found a way around, but it's how I've always felt, even as a kid. When Christmas day came, I was always excited for the presents, but more for the gifts that others received, that and watching the pets play in the ravaged wrapping paper. Yeah, I'm very broken.

     I wanted to share one picture from Friday Night Vinyl because this record is super cool. It's a repressing of The White Stripes album White Blood Cells done in peppermint swirl. Interesting fact and the reason the did this particular style with this record is that they originally considered calling themselves The Peppermints due to the love of peppermint from Meg White. Ok, history lesson behind us, here is the photo of the record. Oh, this is the best side. Side B doesn't show as much red. 

     

     A quick recommendation for your viewing pleasure. On Disney + is a new documentary about the Beatles. It's called Get Back and it was originally filmed to be one of their famed album related movies, but was never released for many reasons. Peter Jackson directed this old footage from when the laid down tracks that were on Abbey Road and Let it Be. The most intriguing part of the whole thing is watching them go through the writing process. It was so fantastic to see that creative side of things that you never really see. You always see the end product and miss out on what truly goes on with the writing of an album. The whole documentary peaks with the very well known rooftop performance that they did above the Apple Studio which is of course the Famed Abbey Road. That final part alone makes the documentary worth watching, but don't skip out on the process that they go through. There is also some drama when George Harrison quits the band for about a week right in the middle, which delays a whole slue of things they had planned. Give it a watch you might just learn something you didn't know and possibly enjoy it.

    Ok, a little self promotion with Favorite Thing of the Week. My buddy decided several weeks ago to put out an update video for The Pepperoni Report, and after getting over myself and my lack of desire to do anything that I'm passionate about, I got off my tail and filmed my part of the video. I couldn't do what I wanted to so I just filmed it straight. There's reason I couldn't do what I had initially intended to do one of which was that I couldn't find my window mount of ray GoPro but also that lack of desire to actually be creative. This lack is one thing that is truly killing me right now. I don't understand it and I can't get around it. I've tried to sit down and write, but can't do it. I want to pick up a pencil and pad and draw, but can't manage to actually do it. It's beyond frustrating at this point and simply proves that I'm even more broken than I want to admit. Setting that aside for another time, here is the video for an update on what is going on with The Pepperoni Report.    

     By the way, if you want a good book to read or even listen to, pick up The Storyteller by Dave Grohl. It's Dave telling his story. Right now I'm on the part where he was at the Kennedy Center Honors. Just a heads up, when he discusses the death of Kurt Cobain, it's as heartbreaking as you would expect it to be. So far it's really really good, and he has some really funny stories to tell.

     That's all for this week. Peace in and goodnight.

Some New News

      Writing a little later this morning. I did wake up at 3 like is normal for me now, but I actually laid back down and made it all the way to 7:30. It was kind of nice for a change to sleep in, kind of.

      I have to put together a short video for The Pepperoni Report, so keep an eye out for that on Thursday at noon. I had planned to try something a little fun for it, but I got lazy and then when I got over that I couldn't find things that I needed so I just shot my part as a straight video. I'm still hoping it will be somewhat fun with the content involved, but I'll just have to wait and see.

      I did get some news regarding my mom this week. She has finally met the standards to be admitted to hospice care. As for what that entails I don't fully know, but from what I can gather it means that a nurse will come from time to time to document how she is doing and hopefully bath her. I'm still planning on doing the bathing but I asked them if they would send someone for that so that she will feel more comfortable rather than having me do it. It does seem that things will follow the status quo for now but the only difference other than the bathing is that I will have them on call for anything that might come up at any time of the day. This relieves a little stress but heightens the stress of it all coming to it's eventual end which seems a little closer now. 

     I just wanted to share with you the pork loin I made last week because I was kind of proud of it. Nothing special in the cooking of it, it just came out perfect, so here it is.

     You can't believe just how good that was. I managed to make 3 meals out of it. I cut down my normal portions because I was eating carbs this week. I won't know the effects weight wise until tomorrow morning, but I feel fine and nothing really changed. I will start a fast tonight until Tuesday morning to kick off another 28 day cycle. 

     Last year Dave Grohl and Greg Kurstin sat down and did cover songs of jewish artists for Hanukkah. This year they are doing it again, the only difference is that I've slacked on watching them so we are going to watch the first one together as Favorite Thing of the Week. They do a song or two for each night of Hanukkah so let's just enjoy. 

    Ok, that was clearly Stay by Lisa Loeb. I was not expecting Dave dressed as Lisa, nor did I expect the death metal growl, which made the whole thing pretty epic. I of course recommend you go through and watch each night which I'm about to do now. I think they are on night 6 which leaves 2 more videos to come out from this years series. Ok, there was no delay for you, but I just watched a few more of the nights and you have to get to the Barry Manilow cover. It's exactly what I didn't know I needed in my life and I'm pretty sure you need it as well. It's night 3 so don't skip ahead, but enjoy the ride to what will be a version that truly amazes you.

     I think that is all I have this week. I'm sure I thought about more than this during the week, but it's just not hitting me right now, so I'm going to call it a post. Peace in and goodnight.