So I woke up at midnight and a whole bunch of thoughts crept into my head and now I can't get back to sleep. So, instead of just laying there waiting for nothing to happen, I thought I would just write about what's going on. It is currently 1:53 AM and this is how it all began.
For some reason my misery in dating is stuck in my head and it goes back quite a ways since I haven't' gone on an actual date in I believe 6 years. It may be more, I just can't remember, but lets go back to the beginning of this current end, and where the thoughts crept into my head.
I've always struggled with dating, I mean take a good look at me. The disadvantage is obvious. Getting someone over the hurdle of my looks is quite the obstacle, but when I finally get a date I have to work like mad to get a second date. The beginning of this takes me back to my last real relationship. When we went on our first date, we were found out by some friends of mine, and they decided to lightheartedly sabotage the date. Once again I'm already at maybe the middle of the ladder, when this happens and they knock me down a few rungs I'm near the bottom. This time I somehow managed to claw my way back up and got that second date. I honestly thought that was the relationship that would end all relationships for me, but it wasn't the case. To this day, if she somehow reached out to me and said she wanted to give it another try, I wouldn't hesitate. I won't get into all the details on what happened and why that would probably be wrong for me, cause that's for another time. This is all about dating.
The second most recent date, and when I say most recent I mean like 13 years ago, maybe more. The same thing happened again, but this one broke me. I actually saw the point in my dates face when she made the decision that "this" wasn't going to happen. I was furious and I lashed out at the ones that did the sabotaging and they did the "well you did it to me", which wasn't exactly true. When I engaged in that lighthearted ribbing, they were all in established relationships that were set in stone which is evident by the fact that they are all married (one of them was married, and the other two married each other soon after) to this day. I didn't mess up their first dates. I understand what they were trying to do, but it still hurt, and apparently I'm still having aftershocks to this day, hence the reason I'm up at 2 in the morning writing this trying to decide if I'll actually publish it or if it will sit in my drafts folder for the remainder of time. (side note, I'm already leaning towards publishing just because of the whole honesty in writing commitment I made when I started this blog).
The last first date I went on went somewhat but unorthodoxly well. I mean she did get in a car accident right behind be on our way home. We did date for a short while and it seemed things were heading in a good direction, that was until I went on vacation to see some friends. Unbeknownst to be, it turns out she was dating at least one other person at the time, and when I was out of the area, that was her chance to check me off the list. The thing that hurt about that one was that she just stopped communicating, the proverbial ghosting if you will. It sucked, I would have been ok with her telling me, "hey, it's just not working out, and I've been seeing someone else and I think they are the one." but that option wasn't on the table.
That was the last real date, or series of dates I was on. That was probably 6 years ago like I said, but I really don't have any way of verifying the exact time frame. I did have a sort of one night stand 5 years ago, that I tried to turn into a relationship, but that clearly didn't workout at all. I thought we were out on a date after, but for her it was just two friends out to dinner and a concert.
Since then, there has only really been a handful of opportunities for dates. I documented the one that I met on a dating app and after she read this blog decided to cancel the date. I've learned not to give out link to this blog for potential dates since then, but in all honesty, there haven't been any that have really gotten that close. The last potential date would have been this woman I knew from a bar that I frequented. The only problem with that one was that my buddy, (and I know this is rather archaic thinking) called dibs and asked her out first, so my ridiculous bro code came into play. At the last minute she cancelled the date with him, and he and I went out to drown his sorrows. In the process of said drowning we ran into her at one of the bars. I guess you could say she was caught red handed, but I didn't make anything of it. He tried his best, or maybe it was his worst to coax her into going back to his place that night. His whole goal was to just have sex with her, not build any type of relationship. I on the other hand was interested in her friend which was another woman that I knew from the bar, so I spent most of my time talking with her. No, I didn't want to just sleep with her, and maybe that is part of my problem. I really want a relationship, not a one night stand. Any way, the night went on and we decided to head out since he wasn't getting anywhere, and when I hugged his (yeah I see it and hate that I wrote it that way) woman goodnight she whispered in my eat that she loved me. I responded in kind, because I do, but I wan't thinking in that way at all, and we went our merry ways.
This is where the bro code (really not fond of that term so lets go with active morals instead) came into play. Since he had asked her out, she was off limits to me. I also chalked up her declaration of love as just drunken loose lips, since we never had any discussion of those events since that night. It was weird but I think that if my sense of active morals didn't overrule my feelings I would have spoken to her and possibly gone on a date with her. That is clearly my own failing.
I've tried the online dating thing, but I think my active morals or some kind of weird code that I have always gets in the way. I have this weird thing about conversations and how they should go. One person starts by asking a question to get to learn something about the person. The other person responds with and answer, and then follows with a question of their own, or some sort of talking point to further the conversation, but with online dating it seems that no one really wants to get to know anyone and if in the first couple of correspondence if you don't ask for a number or to meet up, the conversation just dies. I'm clearly not made for online dating, and with my current situation, I can't go out and meet people, so what it basically boils down to, I truly don't think love is for me. I have Morty and Ri Ri, and I guess that is enough. They give me unconditional love as long as I feed them, which I have no plans of not doing.
I don't know, I think this was a good exercise for me, but it definitely doesn't solve my problem of being awake at now 2:26 in the morning. I think I'm just going to stay up for now and preview this before I hit publish (told you I was leaning towards publishing this). I do have to go to the grocery store for my Monday task in 4 and a half hours, so this is just my early start to the day. I do think I'll get Morty and drive out to hit my Pokestops. Yeah Pokemon made it's way into this post. Until Sunday, unless I have another sleepless night, peace in and goodnight.
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