During my time of writing the 365, I have often had days, that I just don't know what to write. tonight is one of those times here. I had a pretty uneventful weekend, with the exception of going through a bout of depression, which I hadn't done in quite some time now.
I had a feeling, that when I finally hit that low again, and it was a matter of when and not if, that it would be bad. I figured that I had logged so much time without going down the spiral, that when I did, it would equal the time not there in intensity. I have to say, that I'm quite happy that it didn't. Life has those funny little ways of messing with you, to keep you on your toes, or perhaps to lull you into a false sense of security. Since I was expecting it to be bad, I was prepared for the worse, and it threw a monkey wrench into those plans. This is all speculation on my part, and probably highly delusional.
I hope that everyone had an enjoyable weekend. It's kind of strange writing this, what with me being off. This is the first time I've written here after having a Monday to myself. I go back to work tomorrow after a four day weekend. I really needed it. I was feeling a bit burnt out. It happens from time to time, but this time felt a little more intense. I was on edge, most of last week. I didn't snap at anyone or anything like that, but everyone got on my nerves very easily. I don't like being like that. it's not fun.
I've been thinking about getting a new motorcycle lately. It's not a mid-life crisis thing. I already have a cruiser, and I was thinking about a sport bike. I wouldn't get anything with too much horsepower. Speed isn't my main motivator in this. I've been looking pretty hard at the 2016 Honda CBR650F. It would have just the right amount of horsepower for my needs, and it's a nice looking bike as well.
As you can see, it's quite the looker. I would just ride it to work an around town. I'm keeping my other bike as a project to fix up. It's seen it's better days, and I think I want to tear it down, and turn it into a bare bones bobber. It will be fun, and take up some of my spare time.
Let's get to the favorite song of the week. We are going to go back for it tonight, and it's more of a favorite song of all time rather than a favorite song for this week. I mention that I would drop a few things about Billie Holiday on you from time to time. I'm going to hold off on that for now, but I'm going to give you a little listen to how wonderful she truly is. Here is Just One More Chance by the one and only Billie Holiday.
I know that I've never written to you like this before, but I think I'm going to start doing this from time to time. A couple of years ago, I discovered The Perks of Being a Wallflower, after hearing and interview with Stephen Chbosky. That book and later that movie, had and is still having a profound affect on my life.
I relate to so many of the characters. I can see small pieces of myself in each one of them. Mostly involving my own insecurities. I relate most to Charlie, but I won't really delve into that right now. I want to concentrate on the rest of the characters. I once had an ex-girlfriend tell me, that I don't take things seriously, and I laugh too much. It wan't that I don't take things seriously, it is a defense mechanism that I use to cover the torment inside of me. That is very much Patrick. I probably take things far to serious, and that is why I laugh things off so much. I still do it to this day,e even though I know what it really is.
Sam sees herself as inadequate. I also have that tendency. I never think that I'm good enough. I expect failure instead of success. I question everything that I do. These are the thoughts that put me in the place that I am right now, but we will get to that a little later.
Not all of the characteristics that I see in the characters are downers. With Mary Elizabeth, I have a deep appreciation for Billie Holiday, and the longing fro fashion to return to a much more classical style. I've always thought that it would be great, if I could dress more like the 40's. Looking dapper with a suit and tie. It is a time that I missed out on. I have a keen fashion sense, but nothing like that bygone era.
This weekend should be one of great fun and joy, but that is not to be for me. those self doubts crept in and took hold of me. I ended up at a little place called Baci, that i frequent quite regularly. I had driven around for a long time trying to find a different place to go. Someplace the no one new me. It was an attempt to meet a woman and go home with her. I'm not fond of one night stands, but I was open to it. I wanted to feel that connection with someone, even if it was just for one night. I couldn't find bars, that were to my degree of not being crowded, nor to my liking, so I ended up where I always end up.
The bartender noticed right off that there was something wrong with me, but I managed to brush it off. I had already cast off my desire, and was there simply to drink in a friendly environment. I made it through the night with out too much of a hitch, but I knew that I had to go home and wake up the next morning.
That brings us to today. I had plans, but you now what they say about best laid plans. I couldn't do it though, not a single one of them. I slept most of the day, and woke up to feeling anxious about everything that I was going to do today, and tonight. I know that participating is the right thing to do, but I couldn't do it today. I failed, and I fed into my own darkness.
I've been wanting, what I call a Perks weekend, for quite some time now, and there was no better time than tonight. I put the movie in, and feel every moment of it. I probably shouldn't be watching it when I'm like this, but I know that it brings me some balance. When I read the book, I had to force myself to put it down, because of what it was doing to me. I had some very dark thoughts on that night, and the next day, when I finished it. I also had moments of clarity that helped me get through those dark thoughts, and when I watch the movie now, I get those same moments of clarity without the darkness. Those thoughts are always in the back of my head now, but I've learned to deal with them, and writing is one of the things that does that.
When the movie comes to it's zenith and Sam drives off to college, and Charlie is left alone with his thoughts, I begin to cry. It isn't a simple little cry, it''s full tears streaming down my face. It lasts from that moment, until they head for the tunnel and David Bowie's Heroes comes on. That is when I completely lose it, and it doesn't end until the song ends in the middle of the credits. I know why that series of scenes gets to me so much, but I can't write about that yet. I'm not ready to let go of that yet, and when I write about things like that, I let them go. I turn those thoughts and feelings into tangible words, that give them a life of their own, so that they can move on from me.
I can see that I've taken up quite a bit of your time, so I will say my good night.
I was talking to a some friends of mine at that surprise party that I was at, and the conversation turned to rudeness. It all started when a flower girl (I'm really not sure what they are called, perhaps rose girl) came around and asked if I would like to buy a rose. I politely said no thank you, and she moved on to a my friend next to me. He did the same, and then he turned to me, and said, I used to be a total dick to them. I asked him why, and he didn't really have a reason.
Soon after that exchange the other friend walked up, while I was in the middle of expressing to him that it is so easy to just be polite. There was no need to be mean to her for any reason. She started the talk about how people have become more and more rude. We all agreed that it is far more work to be rude than it is to just simply be kind. It takes no work at all, to say; "Thank you", "Have a nice day", or to just simply hold a door open for someone.
I've noticed more an more that people tend to no say excuse me, when they are in theaters anymore. I always have, and always will, but I think, or at least I hope, that people aren't saying it, because they are trying to be polite and not speak during the movie. Then again, with cell phone use on a rise, you see more people looking at their phone during a movie. I pull my phone out before the movie starts, and put it in "do not disturb"mode. I receive everything in real time, but it doesn't notify in any way. I can look at it when the movie is over. There was a time, when if you weren't home, people couldn't contact you. I'm leaning more and more towards that philosophy in my life now. When I'm out with friends, I don't look at my phone. If I'm having dinner with someone, I don't look at my phone. If i'm out past 10 PM, and you want to get in touch with me, you are going to have to hope that I do look at my phone, because I have it set to go into "do not disturb" mode.
I have a challenge for you this Memorial Day. Keep your phone in your pocket when you are at what ever party you go to. Whether it be family, or friends, just enjoy their presence and be engaged with them instead of your phone. Trust me, talking to people, is far more fulfilling than anything on your phone.
Since it's Monday, it's time for the song of the week. I've been hearing this one for a couple of weeks now, and I really dig the sound, so it gets my, "favorite song for this week' label. Without further adieu, here is The Struts with Kiss This.
It kind of sounds a little like some old Elton John. There you have it, enjoy, peace in, and goodnight.
I've dealt with depression for the better part of my life, and when I started talking about it openly, I was told to stop doing it, and that it would affect me adversely. I didn't listen, and people began telling me their own stories, and how my talking about it helped them. They realized that they weren't alone.
That is the disservice that society has done to those of us that suffer depression and suicidal tendencies. We are told that it is a horrible thing,and something to keep quiet. In doing that, we suffer alone, and by doing so, we feed into our own depression. That is maybe the worst thing you can do. Hiding yourself away only feeds into those dark feelings. It sends you further down the spiral.
I watched a vlog today on Youtube by someone that I have followed for years, and she has recently come out and told her story about dealing with depression. It is incredibly brave of her to do so, because of the stigmatism that I mentioned earlier. She has opened up the dialogue, the same way I did. Hers is on a larger scale then mine, but equal in relevance.
I have issues, a lot of them. One of which arose tonight. I tend to have social anxiety when I am going some place alone (that happens far more than I would like to admit). It doesn't matter if I know every single person that will be there. I have this overwhelming dread, that something horrible is going to happen. With that in mind, I still power through it, and do what I said I would do. I did give myself a buffer tonight though.
I was going to a good friend surprise birthday party, and it happened to be not far from the tattoo parlor that I go to. I gave myself plenty of time to stop by and talk to my artist. I was dropping off a bottle of a local craft beer for him, and I wanted to catch up a little. I had designed a tattoo for a very good friend of mine, and wanted to see if they had gotten in touch with one another. The great news is, that they had. He was telling me about his ideas and how he wanted me to bring in the original drawing for him. All of this put me at ease for going to this surprise party.
We got talking so much about all kinds of things, that I lost track of time. I had to leave abruptly to get to the party. It complete took my mind off of all my anxiety and replaced it with thoughts about the tattoo design and getting there on time. These are little tricks that I've learned to employ to get through things like this. I have never fully accepted that I have to lie down and just take my depression. I fight it every step of the way. I refuse to let it control me. That doesn't mean that I still don't have thoughts of giving up and spending all day in bed, or opening up a vein and letting my life wash away. Those things are always there, but the more I talk about them, the stronger I become, and the more I have a chance of helping other people.
Helping people is really all I want to do. It makes me happy when I do a random act of kindness, or simply just hold a door open for someone. I hope that by writing this, it helps someone out there that reads it. I'm going to post the video I watched below. If you feel up to it watch it. She speaks directly from the heart and you know that every word is true.
So, I had this grandiose idea, that I was going to talk all about the strip club culture and all the do's and don'ts. I got to thinking, who am I, to give anyone advice on going to a strip club. I don't go all that often, and all I can really provide are my observations. So here they are.
I've noticed a change in a few things over the years. It used to be, that men would be there, and they would stare at the strippers as if they were gazelles on the plains of Africa. The mighty lion would hunt his prey, and then pounce in for the kill, or, they would just slowly meander to the stage and stand sheepishly to hand the ladies a tip. The fun began, when the ladies would wander through the crowd and pick out their own gazelles. Don't kid yourself guys, that is what was, and still is going on.
Later it would turn a bit. That is when the whole "making it rain" thing came in. Guys would no longer stand and wait to tip a woman, they would just through hands full of one dollar bills at them. I always found this practice to be rather demeaning. I think those guys main got off on watching her scurry around the stage on her hands and knees picking everything up. It was more of a "Hey, look what I'm making her do" thing. Once again, the real fun would begin, when the ladies took their walk through the crowd.
I know what you are thinking, "when is he going to get to this 'real fun' part?". Be patient, it's coming. That is the one thing that always has remained the same. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, what goes on today. Here is the new trend. The guys simply don't go up to the stage to tip anymore. They just wait for the girls to come to them, where ever they are sitting. Ok, now the "real fun". In the old days, and the new, the ladies always find the guy that is the weakest in the herd. He's the easiest target, and usually has a fair amount of money. Also, he isn't going to be bold enough to tell them "no" right off. It's going to take him a little time to build up the courage, or he runs out of money. Which ever comes first. After those guys are taken, the quickly hit the high rollers. Those are the ones, that during the in between days, would through the hands full of cash.
After they are all taken care of , they tend to see what they can get out of everyone that's left. Here is a little tip. If you are wearing shorts, they are never coming to you. Dude, that's just gross. I'm still a little old school. When I see a dancer I like, I head to the stage, have a seat, and wait until she makes her way over. I compliment them, give them the tip fast, and don't make them work hard for it. Usually the dancer will lean down to thank you, and that is when you tell them that you would like a dance, if they have the time. That process, has never failed me. It doesn't cost anything to be polite, and it always gets a good reaction.
Dancers are pretty used to guys coming in, and treating them like dirt, so when someone is polite, the respond in kind. I'm not there, thinking I'm going to sleep with s stripper, or even go out with one. I am there for the experience that it is. For that small period of time that I am there, I'm going to make a very brief connection, that feels real. I know it's not, and she knows it's not. We are only having a moment where two people make believe that they are the only two people in each other's world.
There is always that awkward moment before the song starts, and you two have to talk. This is where the whole fantasy, get's eerily real. Well, for me it does. This is where we start a conversation, and then she tells me everything about her life. I haven't mentioned this here, but people love to tell me things that I don't want, or need to know. I don't know what it is, and many friends have witnessed it, and are shocked by the whole thing. I think it's because I'm a good listener, and I honestly care what they have to say, even though I don't want, or need to hear it. I digress though. I have found out more from a dancer in those brief minutes than most people ever do. They usually see me a bit differently at that point, and that is when that connection is made. I'm no longer just a patron, but the person in her life at that moment. Once again, I know, and she knows that it's not real, but for the length of a song, it becomes real.
Ok, I believe I've gone on long enough. I'm pretty sure I could go on much longer but I won't. I wanted to end tonight, with a video of a song, It's my favorite song of the week, and I think I might start doing this every Monday. We'll see how it goes. If you guys like it, we will keep it up. If you don't, let me know and I'll consider setting it aside. Anyway, I posted this on my 365 last night. It's a new single by 3OH!3. I just got turned onto them recently, and I dig their sound. I know they've been around for a while now. I'm way late to the party on this one, but here it is.
Concerning this past weekend, I guess I should start with the fact that I was off Friday. It was good to sit back and relax. It was a beautiful day, and I wanted to spend some time in a little place we like to call the Village. The tattoo shop that I go to is located there, and I needed to talk to my artist. I was showing him a design that I came up with for a friend of mine. It isn't going to happen until September, but I'm getting an early start on it, so that they can hash everything out, and get the perfect tattoo down.
After stopping in and talking to him. I met a buddy of mine and we headed off for a few drinks. I was going to have lunch as well, so we walked through the Village to a little place called Murdock's. It's known for having great food, but lousy service. I figured since we there on off hours, we shouldn't have a problem. I was right. We were the only ones in the joint, and service was prompt, and friendly. I had a bacon cheese burger that had a maple jam on it. It was pretty darned good. I wished it down with my usual Jack & Coke. Well, a few of them. Ok, it was four of them. We had to waste time until another friend of ours showed up.
While we were there, mu buddy told me, that he was going to be my wingman. I appreciate his enthusiasm, but it isn't in his skill set to be a wingman. When he sees women, the only thing he thinks about, is how he is going to introduce himself. He says he can do it. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not saving my breath. It would be a new experience. I have always been the wingman, and not the pilot. Oh this is probably a good time to do a little promotion.
I have already decided, that when I finish my 365 project, which will be on July 18th, that I am going to repost that entry here. I've been holding on to what is going to go in that post for some time, and it is something that I've never told anyone. Keep your eyes out for that one.
That was my Friday. He had to take off, and I wasn't into going around the Village and far hop on my own, so I called it a night. The next day, I headed to the movies to catch Captain America Civil War. It was good. I had one very small problem with it, and that was a very bad CGI 3 second scene of a car chase. The more than made up for it with the rest of the movie though. By the way, I will never give spoilers without a warning.
After the movie I headed to a friend's house for a little Derby party that they have every year. The grill up a bunch of meat, and prepare tons of other food. We sit around stuffing ourselves until the race, and then we find a reason to stay a little longer. In reality, I hadn't seen these friends in quite some time, so it was great to see them again. They even had a little surprise for me (well, it wasn't for me, but it was a surprise). I can't go into any detail on that though (oh great, he leads us in and then shuts the door in our faces). Sorry, I made a promise.
After the derby party, it was off to meet up with my buddy from Friday night. I guess I should just call him what I call him on the 365 project. He is known as my drinking buddy. From now on, I will refer to him thusly. We were meeting up at our usual spot for drinks. He got quite a bit ahead of me, and he wanted to head back down the the Village to see what was going on. It was pretty dead there, and we only hung out for one more drink. There was two women that sat down at the bar near us, and he asked me if he should do the wingman thing. I told him not to worry about it, We had to leave after that drink, so there was no need in, trying to start up a conversation.
I'm getting long, and I promised not to do that, so one last thing. I wouldn't call myself a collector, but I do have a rather odd affection for Funko Pop Vinyl figures. I happened upon two, while I was out running my errands yesterday, that I just couldn't pass up.
How do you pass up on Chewbacca and Kylo Ren? That was my weekend in a nutshell. I'll be back with more next week, hopefully it will be a little more eventful. Peace in and goodnight.
Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste. Not really, well I do have pretty good taste, at least I think so. I always wanted to start something with that line. Anyone who knows what song that is from, I will be your friend for life.
The titles says "An Introduction", so here it is. My name is Bob, I'm 45 years old, and I life in Florida in a place known as the Space Coast. That is about as specific as I'm going to get with that. I said in the test post that I might post here from time to time. Well, I decided that I am going to post here weekly for now. I'll get to why that is happening soon enough. First though, I should tell you why all of this started.
I was listening to a podcast by Greg Fitzsimmons one day. On that podcast, he wondered out loud about how great it would be, to do a podcast where you could be honest about everything you said about your self and your own feelings. I don't have a podcast, but I can write, so that began the journey of what is now a 365 project. A secondary reason was for me to have a reason to write everyday. I decided Facebook was the place for this. It was simple and I could keep it limited to those who already know me.
It was initially a 30 day project to see if I could do it, that quickly turned into 100 then 365. I'm currently on day 288. I have a little ways to go. I was going to continue that here when I was done, after a short break. I came to the conclusion this weekend, that I don't need that break, and in fact I'm getting a bit antsy, and a little impatient to start posting here. For the time being, I will be committed to posting weekly on here while the 365 keeps going on. It will be a unique post, and not a repost from the project. I write these pretty much off the top of my head, but mostly it is about my life. There will be days when this will be absolutely boring. There will be other times that I will make up for that. I promise.
I found that through writing these post, that had a fundamental impact on my life. I noticed an unbelievable difference in how I dealt with my own depression. I truly didn't expect that. I found that I was able to just let things go after writing about them. It was amazing. Do I think this will work for anyone else? I have no idea, but it has for me so far.
I guess I should get to the point before this gets too long. Here is what I have in store for you. I will write primarily about my life. During the 365 I will post here weekly, but after that, I am committed to posting three times a week. It could be more, but I'm definitely committed to 3. I'm thinking about a Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday schedule, but that isn't in stone yet. Things that will come up undoubtably in my life will be: Billie Holliday, Jack Kerouac, Twenty One Pilots, ukuleles, tattoos, Chucks, and the very rare rant about something that might resemble politics. For the most part, I'm going to keep things positive. I want people to be happy, and I believe that the world can be a better place, through positive thinking and helping each other out (oh yeah, I'm a giant tree hugging hippy). Oh, I should tell you about the parentheses. Those are my inner thoughts. Sometimes they will fill you in on something, like above, and other times they may come off as complete nonsense. My hope is that that is entertaining for you the reader.
I'm going to wrap this up, because I can see that it is already getting long. I try to keep these as short as possible, because I don't want to destroy your eyesight with a lot of tiny letters. I end each post with "peace in and goodnight" The meaning is pretty simple. Goodnight is self explanatory. The peace in is going to be the odd part for you. Most people would say peace out. I looked at that, and that that it has the perception of negativity. It's saying, "peace, get out". Peace in became the thing for me. It basically says bring peace into your life. With that I say, peace in and goodnight.
