Depression

     I've dealt with depression for the better part of my life, and when I started talking about it openly, I was told to stop doing it, and that it would affect me adversely. I didn't listen, and people began telling me their own stories, and how my talking about it helped them. They realized that they weren't alone.

     That is the disservice that society has done to those of us that suffer depression and suicidal tendencies. We are told that it is a horrible thing,and something to keep quiet. In doing that, we suffer alone, and by doing so, we feed into our own depression. That is maybe the worst thing you can do. Hiding yourself away only feeds into those dark feelings. It sends you further down the spiral.

     I watched a vlog today on Youtube by someone that I have followed for years, and she has recently come out and told her story about dealing with depression. It is incredibly brave of her to do so, because of the stigmatism that I mentioned earlier. She has opened up the dialogue, the same way I did. Hers is on a larger scale then mine, but equal in relevance.

     I have issues, a lot of them. One of which arose tonight. I tend to have social anxiety when I am going some place alone (that happens far more than I would like to admit). It doesn't matter if I know every single person that will be there. I  have this overwhelming dread, that something horrible is going to happen. With that in mind, I still power through it, and do what I said I would do. I did give myself a buffer tonight though.

     I was going to a good friend surprise birthday party, and it happened to be not far from the tattoo parlor that I go to. I gave myself plenty of time to stop by and talk to my artist. I was dropping off a bottle of a local craft beer for him, and I wanted to catch up a little. I had designed a tattoo for a very good friend of mine, and wanted to see if they had gotten in touch with one another. The great news is, that they had. He was telling me about his ideas and how he wanted me to bring in the original drawing for him. All of this put me at ease for going to this surprise party.

     We got talking so much about all kinds of things, that I lost track of time. I had to leave abruptly to get to the party. It complete took my mind off of all my anxiety and replaced it with thoughts about the tattoo design and getting there on time. These are little tricks that I've learned to employ to get through things like this. I have never fully accepted that I have to lie down and just take my depression. I fight it every step of the way. I refuse to let it control me. That doesn't mean that I still don't have thoughts of giving up and spending all day in bed, or opening up a vein and letting my life wash away. Those things are always there, but the more I talk about them, the stronger I become, and the more I have a chance of helping other people.

     Helping people is really all I want to do. It makes me happy when I do a random act of kindness, or simply just hold a door open for someone. I hope that by writing this, it helps someone out there that reads it. I'm going to post the video I watched below. If you feel up to it watch it. She speaks directly from the heart and you know that every word is true.

Peace in and goodnight.