Welcome to the Land of Misfit Toys

Dear Friend,

     I know that I've never written to you like this before, but I think I'm going to start doing this from time to time. A couple of years ago, I discovered The Perks of Being a Wallflower, after hearing and interview with Stephen Chbosky. That book and later that movie, had and is still having a profound affect on my life.

     I relate to so many of the characters. I can see small pieces of myself in each one of them. Mostly involving my own insecurities. I relate most to Charlie, but I won't really delve into that right now. I want to concentrate on the rest of the characters. I once had an ex-girlfriend tell me, that I don't take things seriously, and I laugh too much. It wan't that I don't take things seriously, it is a defense mechanism that I use to cover the torment inside of me. That is very much Patrick. I probably take things far to serious, and that is why I laugh things off so much. I still do it to this day,e even though I know what it really is.

     Sam sees herself as inadequate. I also have that tendency. I never think that I'm good enough. I expect failure instead of success. I question everything that I do. These are the thoughts that put me in the place that I am right now, but we will get to that a little later.

     Not all of the characteristics that I see in the characters are downers. With Mary Elizabeth, I have a deep appreciation for Billie Holiday, and the longing fro fashion to return to a much more classical style. I've always thought that it would be great, if I could dress more like the 40's. Looking dapper with a suit and tie. It is a time that I missed out on. I have a keen fashion sense, but nothing like that bygone era.

     This weekend should be one of great fun and joy, but that is not to be for me. those self doubts crept in and took hold of me. I ended up at a little place called Baci, that i frequent quite regularly. I had driven around for a long time trying to find a different place to go. Someplace the no one new me. It was an attempt to meet a woman and go home with her. I'm not fond of one night stands, but I was open to it. I wanted to feel that connection with someone, even if it was just for one night. I couldn't find bars, that were to my degree of not being crowded, nor to my liking, so I ended up where I always end up.

     The bartender noticed right off that there was something wrong with me, but I managed to brush it off. I had already cast off my desire, and was there simply to drink in a friendly environment. I made it through the night with out too much of a hitch, but I knew that I had to go home and wake up the next morning.

     That brings us to today. I had plans, but you now what they say about best laid plans. I couldn't do it though, not a single one of them. I slept most of the day, and woke up to feeling anxious about everything that I was going to do today, and tonight. I know that participating is the right thing to do, but I couldn't do it today. I failed, and I fed into my own darkness.

     I've been wanting, what I call a Perks weekend, for quite some time now, and there was no better time than tonight. I put the movie in, and feel every moment of it. I probably shouldn't be watching it when I'm like this, but I know that it brings me some balance. When I read the book, I had to force myself to put it down, because of what it was doing to me. I had some very dark thoughts on that night, and the next day, when I finished it. I also had moments of clarity that helped me get through those dark thoughts, and when I watch the movie now, I get those same moments of clarity without the darkness. Those thoughts are always in the back of my head now, but I've learned to deal with them, and writing is one of the things that does that.

     When the movie comes to it's zenith and Sam drives off to college, and Charlie is left alone with his thoughts, I begin to cry. It isn't a simple little cry, it''s full tears streaming down my face. It lasts from that moment, until they head for the tunnel and David Bowie's Heroes comes on. That is when I completely lose it, and it doesn't end until the song ends in the middle of the credits. I know why that series of scenes gets to me so much, but I can't write about that yet. I'm not ready to let go of that yet, and when I write about things like that, I let them go. I turn those thoughts and feelings into tangible words, that give them a life of their own, so that they can move on from me.

     I can see that I've taken up quite a bit of your time, so I will say my good night.

Peace in and goodnight,

Bob