My mental health took a nosedive this week. Even though, I still pushed myself to get out of bed and walk the lake trail. It felt like I was just going through the movements from memory though. I was so distant from myself. Depression and loneliness set in and took hold of me, and it was even compounded while out on the trail. The trail became a living metaphor for my sense of being. This week was the loneliest week on the trail. I only saw 3 people the entire week and it was always near the end of the walk. I've been feeling like I'm going through this life alone and that has always been the case and always will be. The feeling of loneliness intensified the depression and then brought on my anxiety. The anxiety is increasing because I want to go to a gym and the thought of going and being around people isn't not something that is soothing and comforting. That's the catch 22 in my loneliness. I want to see people, but only my people. With the exception of maybe a half hour a few weeks ago, I haven't seen any of my friends since I think December, and before that it was last September when I got together with a friend and their family for a cookout.
Despite all that, I still managed to hit goal on Saturday which left me today to sleep in. This, even though planned was something that brought me anxiety and depression. My thinking was that I should be out there putting in the kilometers. Hitting goal isn't really good enough, I should be improving. In my mind I know this isn't exactly necessary or healthy thinking, but also in my head I think I should be increasing my distance each week by 1 1/2 times my normal amount. See, not healthy thinking. This has also led me to not being very kind to myself. Constant mentally telling of myself to do better, you look terrible, you blew it. These are the thoughts going through my head, and this caused me to basically give up on myself this week. Friday and Saturday I caved in and just let it all go. I went and got chips, soda and fast food. I did have enough self control to only by the convenient store size bags of chips and single sodas, so that I wouldn't have giant family size bags in the house. I'm trying to be better today, and will continue on a one day at a time view of things for a while. I want to do another 8 weeks of clean eating, but with my mental state right now, I really don't believe I can do that, so one day at a time is how I'll take it. I did take a photo today to show you what 2 weeks on carbs and a reckless weekend can do.
I have a lot of work to do, and I need to get my mind on the same page, but I'm not going to force it, because, based on experience with myself, that will only make things worse.
Oh, back to the gym. I did check out a gym that is very close to my house, and it's awesome, but that whole anxiety thing is getting in the way. I can schedule to be there by skipping some days walking. The whole idea of the walking is to get some physical exercise outside of the house, so that may keep me from hitting goal with distance, but it might improve my mental state through building my body. I just have to push my anxiety to the side and get it done.
Not to continue being a Gloomy Gus, there were some positive things that happened this week. For one, it didn't rain on my out on the trail. That's a good thing. I did however rain before I went one day which brought the critters out. I usually see rabbits, cardinals (the coolest of small birds), osprey and red shouldered hawks, but on this occasion I saw a baby soft shell turtle, a crazy black caterpillar, and this somewhat little dude.
I probably should have cropped that so it's easier to see, but that is a small gator, probably around 5 feet or so. I know they are out there, cause I've seen and heard them before, but they are a rare sight to see. They stay to the reeds and waterline plants in the morning. The coolest thing about gators is that they leave no wake. Just look at the photo, the water is completely still around it, and I can tell you that it was moving in a forward motion, not just sitting there. They are remarkable creatures.
For the first time in over a year, I took my mom to a movie. We masked up and I took the wheelchair so that she wouldn't have to walk and hit the theater.
We went to see the new Cruella movie. It was really good, but it didn't go as well as I hoped it would. Half way through my mom got antsy and began talking and asking to go home. I managed to talk her down and she made it through the movie, but I'm going to have to choose movies with more color and less loudness from now on. I thought that would be a good choice since it's Disney, but the was rather dark, and there were lots of crashes. Fun for anyone who doesn't have dementia. I will say this, the soundtrack was outstanding. It was set in the 60's and 70's so lots of that era rock. For me the one iconic moment in the film was when Cruella ( Emma Watson) crashed a party for the Baroness (Emma Thomson, who I believe truly stole the film) came out in a punk rock outfit with her make up done as a mask that was like graffiti art of black spray paint with the words. "The Future" in the negative space. Just found a picture so you can see.
I honestly expect to see more of that make up look in fashion for the next year, or at least I hope to. It's simple but profound and makes a statement.
There is one other character that truly stands out in the movie. Now, Morty and the Schnug are the two greatest dogs to ever live (don't argue with me on this) but, there is another that has won my heart, and that is Wink the little chihuahua in the movie that wears a leather eye patch. If you are on the fence about seeing this movie, go for Wink. I'm telling you, that little dog will make it all worth it. I know the film is getting trashed because it doesn't really lead to the canon of 101 Dalmatians, but I enjoyed it.
I don't have a favorite song or anything this week (yeah, kind of ties in with the whole beating myself up over and over again). I can say that it does feel like the new TØP album is saving my life right now, something they did before with Vessel. I had the chance to get a message of thanks to them (remember I met Josh Dun's mom) but again, by anxiety wouldn't let me ask her to pass the message on. I owe them a great deal of thanks, maybe one day I'll get the chance to pass that gratitude on.
Although I don't foresee this week being any different than last week, I do hope that yours is much better than mine. Oh, I almost forgot to mention this. There is a reason why I was trying to force myself to remember this and I'll get to that. The book I've been listening to on my walks is by famed writer Ayn Rand. I've never read Mrs. Rand before. I've heard mixed reviews, but I finally added a book on Audible to give it a chance thanks to Steven Chbosky mentioning her and this book in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. The book is entitled The Fountainhead. No it's not that best known Atlas Shrugged, so I can't speak on that one, but I can speak on this one. It is dreadfully forgettable, which is why it has been so hard to remember to tell you about this experience. I'm only a third of the way through it since it's 37 hours long. With the exception of one character so far ( and I expect that to change to no character in the future of this book) everyone is morally bankrupt. They are truly awful characters with no redeeming qualities. I'm truly expecting the one innocent character to turn the leaf soon and show what makes them awful as well. The writing is pretentious to the highest order. Ayn is truly one of those people that believe they are better than everyone else and will prove it to you by using the word superfluous as many times as humanly possible. I know what you are thinking, how can you come to that conclusion from her book? Well, she wrote the forward which was over a half hour long and used the work superfluous 2 times in that alone. She also makes the note of how the book is about those people that create progress in the world with exceptionalism. It's all about the capital growth and not really human growth. I am going to finish this book, so as to remind me to never ever become a person that would be in that book. Peace in and goodnight.
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