I'm Learning How To Cope With Myself.

    This may come as a surprise to  you, but I'm not a fan of the holiday season. It is the worst time of year for me. In the past I have always felt the most alone during the holidays. Everyone goes off to be with their families, they travel, and leave town. That leaves me here to do nothing. It's been that way for most of my life. I'm not complaining that people shouldn't do that, that's just ridiculous thinking, but the fact remains, that I am always my loneliest and must susceptible to suicidal thoughts at this time of year. I know we are only 3 days into this month, which is when the worst feelings come up, but this year is different, and I don't know why.

     In the first time since I can remember, I'm actually happy. I feel good about things, and I'm not worried about being alone during the holidays. The only reason I can even begin to think of why, is that I have spent this entire year alone. When I stopped drinking, my friends stopped calling, and it turns out, that was a very good thing, at least it appears to be right now. I have spent almost every single weekend at home, watching Netflix, or DVDs, or just some recorded TV shows, and I've survived, and not felt like I was heading down that spiral.

     It is a very unusual mindset for me. This thought all came to me today when I was at a party for a friend of mine. It was for his 1 yr old son. His mother was there, and I'm very fond of her. She is a very kind and sweet woman, and when she saw me, she said something, that I will get to later, because that is something I want to talk about as well, but she also asked me how I was. Most people ask me that, I usually say "nothing" because, most of my friends know about this blog, and if you really want to know what is up with me, or how I'm doing, then they can simply read this. This details everything that is going on in my life. That's the whole point behind it. This time I said nothing and I meant it. She doesn't know about this, so an full answer was worth giving. She then asked me if "nothing" was a good thing. I took a second, and said yes, yes it was. It was at that moment that I realized that I was truly happy with nothing going on. I'm happy, and content. More than I have ever been in my life. Normally I would say that that means I'm heading for a big fall down that spiral, but this time, I don't feel that way at all. This time it looks like a major turning point. This time I am incredibly happy with the things I am doing creatively.

     I'm writing The Patchwork Knight on Thursday Knights. That is something I've been wanting to do for a long time. I'm making videos that I really enjoy making. Nobody watches them, but that doesn't matter to me. What does matter is the creative process that goes into them. When I finish a video and start rendering it so that the next step is to upload it to YouTube, I get a massive sense of accomplishment. That feeling is way more satisfying than any night I had out drinking. I think those things have a great deal to do with this new mindset of mine, so I'm not going to stop doing either of them anytime soon. People have always told me to find my happiness. I think I finally have.

     Speaking of those videos that no one watches but I keep making. I made one yesterday. If you follow me on Instagram, You may have noticed that I did an Instagram story. It was kind of an Adventure Time Series, but not. It was more of a behind the scenes of the process I go through when I make and edit these videos. The beginning of it is a little disjointed, because for some reason, a few of the videos in the explanation of what was going on didn't upload. I'm hoping that the story still made sense, but at the end of the day, I posted a few clips showing the editing and all the clips that I had to go through for a 5 minute video. I had 71 good clips to go through, and that doesn't include all the clips that were messed up. For some reason, I got a bunch of time lapse photos instead of video. I was able to salvage enough to make a pretty decent video, but I lost my outro in the process, so my signature showing of the peace sign for my Peace In, wasn't there. I decided to just write it in the video rather than do a separate clip of me doing it. It would have been out of place, and it would have, in my opinion, taken you out of the whole idea that it is your perspective. If you watch the video you will understand how it works better the way I did it, rather than adding a clip after the fact. I did it more in the music video fashion, and I think I'm getting better at hitting my spots on the edits. I still have a lot to learn and a ton more to figure out, but I like it. Here it is.




     I hope you enjoyed that. Even though I have gotten a lot quicker with my editing, I still put a lot of work into making these videos. For the filming, I spent 4 hours on the bike riding to and from Ft. Pierce, and I even ended up in Port St. Lucie, not too far in, but still that far south. After that, it was a good couple of hours straight going through the clips and editing them. The most difficulty I have is getting the clips to hit the beat in the music. I got better this time, but as I said above, I have a lot to learn.

     Now for that other thing my friends mom said. I walked in with a couple of friends that I've known for years. They are great people and those type of friends that you just pick up the conversation where you left off the last time you saw them. When we all went up to great his mother, she mentioned how much they haven't changed, and then she looked at me. She turned her head sideways and back to center and then said, "You always change.". I took it as a compliment, and I'm pretty sure that is exactly how she meant it. I don't like being me for too long. I need to change things, to look a little different so that I become a new me. I know that sounds very facetious, but it's who I am. I don't make any apologies for being the person I am, whoever that person may look like on any given day. That is the reason I shaved my beard, that is the reason I gauged up on my ears, that is the reason I got my nose pierced a little over a week ago. I need change in my life. That is another thing I cam to terms with this year. I used to always say that I hate change, but I've always thrived in it. I embraced change and I'm much happier for it. Maybe I do know why I'm happier this holiday season.

     Before I start wrapping this up, I have two more things for you. One is a few photos I took this weekend while out on Saki, and the other is a recommendation for a TV show. The show is on Amazon Prime. If you have an Amazon Prime account you can watch this anytime you want to. The show is called The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, it stars Rachel Bronahan, and she is fantastic. It takes place in the early 1960's in New York when Lenny Bruce was the king of comedy. She separates from her cheating husband early in the series and then follows his dream of being a hit comedian. I am only 3 episodes in so far, but it is brilliant. The writing is funny and compelling. It is a true dramedy (drama/comedy). I'm really looking forward to watching the rest of the series, and I'll give you my full review when I'm done.

     Last but not least here are those pictures for you to peruse.

     I got a few quality shots this weekend, my favorite is that one of Saki in front of the tree. I've ridden by that tree several times and always wanted to stop and get a picture in front of it, but there was always traffic every time through there. On Friday there was no traffic, so I pulled over and got my shot. I hope that you blow that picture up, so that you can see the face in the tree. It reminds me of the God's Wood trees in Game of Thrones. Could Bran be watching us? You may remember the first one. This is a new shot though of that beach access by the Navy SEAL museum. I had to get another shot of it, because it looked so appealing. I love that beach access, it's probably the prettiest one that I've found. The last one is my tool box of course. Those tools make me almost as happy as Saki does. Almost, There is nothing better than Saki. That is a little magnetic light that I have stuck to the top of the lid to light it up. I used that as the only light source for the photo, to give it that artsy appeal. I think it worked out somewhat. I would rather a full black background, but I'm still working on all of that. I should have a couple of weeks off during late December, so I'm going to be doing a lot of work on the lounge at that time. I got a new strip light that will connect to the Phillips HUE. It will give me some more ambient colored lighting in there. I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to hang it at this point. It's supposed to be hidden as accent lighting, so I may put it around the back of the workbench and around the Photo Booth area. I'll know more when I get things in the order that I want them.

     That's it for tonight. I hope you have a pleasant week, and I will see you on Tuesday night. Oh quickly before I go. Let me know what you think of the format of the video above. Is that something you would want to see more of, or do you like the talking head videos, or do you not want me talking at all? I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it, so please let me know. Peace in and goodnight.