Here it is, the final entry at long last. I've been thinking about this post for months now. How wass I going to start it? How was I going to put things in order warthog an order in my head? How was I going to make sense of the senseless? I guess the start is now covered, the rest however, remains to be seen.
If you've read this on a regular basis, you have seen me talk about the book and movie, "The Perks of Being a Wallflower". There is a reason for that, beyond my love of it, and that is because when I read the book, it was a trigger for me. I can remember posting a status update about how I couldn't stop reading it but I knew I should because of the state of mind it was putting me in, or something to those affects. I nearly read the book in a few hours, but I had to stop, I forced myself to stop, because the flood of memories that were beginning to come bak to me.
I had a connection to Charlie, the main Character. We were both molested at a young age. Mine wasn't by someone in my family as he was, but by a neighbor girl that was much older than me. AS I read the book and saw where it was going, memories that I must have blacked out, began resurfacing. I was shocked, by shocked only describes how clear the memories were when they began coming to me.
I was 9 or 10, you may remember that age range rather well. That is the time of the birthday that went awry. It seems a lot of things were going on against me at that time, but I only remembered that miserable birthday party, that wasn't one. She was neighbor girl that was 16 years old. for some reason, her and her friends would hang with me and my friends from time to time. I never really understood it then, and I still don't now. We were little kids. We liked hanging out with them, because they were pretty, much older girls.
I don't really remember yet, how it all started, but I can remember a few things at this time. That is why I keep watching the movie, because I hope that its brings more memories to me when It does, and for the most part it has. I haven't reread the book yet, because I'm a little worried about the memories flooding in too fast. What I remember wan't innocent, but I don't know that I wasn't unwelcoming of the attention. The reason I say that, is because of the things we would do. She would sneak me into her bedroom t night, and have me lay under her bed and watch her change into her night clothes. Once her parents were asleep, she would sneak me back out of the house. A few times, she would make me with her through the window. I'm sure now, that was because it would have been too difficult to sneak me in. I know, this all sounds like nothing much, but that is only a few of the things that would go on.
ON several occasions, she would have me perform cunnilingus on her. She would tell me what to do, and how to do it. She would give me directions, and I would comply. We would also have these make-out type of sessions, where she would pull my hand under her shirt, and tell me how to caress her. I don't belly we her had intercourse, or at least that memory hasn't come back to me yet. I don'e even remember her touching me, I just remember her having me do the things I listed above.
Now that these memories are coming to me, things are starting to fall into place a bit. The why I have never had a successful relationship. Why I am so non-aggressive towards women (i want them to be the dominant one). Last but not least, why it is so hard for me to ask a woman out.. I tend to keep coming around until I know for sure that they want to go out with me. I don't know if any of the makes sense, but it has, in a way to me, and beefcake of that, I have found peace within myself. I've accepted what happened, and who I've become as a result of it. the fault lies with me, but not by my own doing.
I"ve been holding on to this for a very long time now, and I now I should have wrote this all out before, but I wanted to end this with something big, and I can't think of anything bigger than this. I held on to it, even though I shouldn't have, but now, it is finally time to let it go. The way so many things have left me through this entire process of the 365. I relive this will leave me as well. Even as I write this I can feel a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. I amy be free of this.
I look back now, and see, that this has a lot to do with my depression and anxiety. I don't think that will go away, not by any means, but when I came to terms with this, I felt different. My depression was less, my anxiety wained. It's still there but not as strong. The grip is loosening on me, and I feel like the sky is the limit now.
With this ending, and the CS, now truly beginning (i know i've been posting there for a couple of months now, but this was always going to be the, grand opening if you will), I can move forward, and never look back. I hope you all find a journey as enlightening as this has been for me. I want you all to find love, compassion, and understanding. Those three little things will serve you better than anything else this world has to offer. I love and care for you all. Peace in and goodnight.
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