The Walls Are Crumbling.

     Hello, I know that it's been some time since I've written to you like this, but today seemed like a good time to do it. I can feel the steps of the spiral giving way. Things have been okay for too long. I've tried my best to take everything in stride, and let things wash over me, but it is starting to pile up now. The voices of negativity and despair are beginning to get louder. I try to ignore them, but it's getting harder. I know that I need to participate in order to get them to stop, but when they get loud enough, I might not be able to do that.

     This is always the worst time of year for me. I've never felt a connection to the holiday season, even when I was younger. I always felt bad when I received gifts. There was a guilt that just hung over me. I didn't deserve that gift. I didn't earn it. It wouldn't matter how much a gave, I would have the highest level of guilt over just one gift given to me. I was always awkward in accepting anything. I grew to learn how to hide that awkwardness, but it is always there.

     That awkwardness turns to anxiety, then that turns to depression. It's a step ladder that always leads down. I probably shouldn't be alone for the holidays, and I really shouldn't be around people either. It's this time of year, when I am alone even in a crowd of people. You probably don't understand that, or maybe you do. Maybe I'm underestimating your understanding of what I'm talking about. These are the thoughts that go through my head in a crowd, and this is how I become alone. I think about what everyone else is thinking, and it always leads to me thinking that it's best that I'm not there. I know, that I'm bringing everyone down. It may not be true, but I feel that when I'm in any crowd. I'm the one that they look at and say,"Why is he here?".

     I'm going to have about 2 weeks off of work starting next week, and that is always a terrible thing. I will have nothing to occupy my time. I will sit and think, and when I do that, it's never a good thing. I'm trying to create things to preoccupy that free time, but nothing is working. I'm going to have to focus on simply creating. I need to draw, paint, and write. I need to keep the voices out of my head, or at least have them narrate what I'm doing. If they narrate, they aren't telling me things to do.

     I will get through this, I always have, but this year feels different for some reason. I'll write again soon, until then, peace in and goodnight.