Self Reflection

     It's been a very strange day. A day full of self reflection. There has always been one persistent fact in my life and that is, whomever is in it right now, will more than likely not be in it in a few years. There are exceptions, but they are few. I believe they are still around because there is a great distance between us, whether it be actual distance or some odd emotional one. This is something that I've learn to accept over the years, but lately, it is slowly creeping into those areas of my mind that feen my doubt.

     This week started what I like to call a perfect storm type of situation. I had to call someone out on there BS, and it's just another one of those people leaving my life. This one I'm not concerned about, this is one of those time, that I'm greatly improved by them being gone, but it still brought forward the fact that this is a normal occurrence in my life, and I know that this isn't normal for everyone.

     I don't think my friendships with people have ever been normal. This goes all the way back to when I was a kid. It was only on very rare occasions that I could convince someone to do something that I wanted to do. That hasn't changed. I can't just call someone up and say, "Hey, let's go have dinner.". If I do, I always get an answer similar to, "I can't, I already have plans.". That works for the spur of the moment type of requests, but then there are the ones that I would try to plan. Then the response is normally, "I can't, I already have plans.". Early on, I would try to offer up a different day or ask them when would be good for them, but it would always end the same, and their plans were always too busy for my plans.

      That brings me to where I am today. I rarely if ever try to ask anyone to do anything, and when I do, I'm usually let down. Like earlier this week. I reached out to someone and asked them to give my number to another mutual friend so that they could get in touch with me about the guest reviewer spot for the PR. I never heard from either person, which means that the first person, didn't bother to do what I asked. I will have to go see the person that I wanted to have my number tomorrow, so that I can try to arrange the whole thing. I was trying to avoid this, so that I could do nothing but rest, so that I could wake up early on Saturday to get that video done. I'm still going to do the video, but I'm sure that I'm going to be tired now. The weather forecast is reading too perfect for me not to do it. I will get through it and have a video for you on Sunday.

     People always talk about that friend that they grew up with. That one that they see from time to time and relive old times. I don't have that friend. All the people I grew up with lost touch a long time ago, and I doubt I will ever see any of them again. This doesn't mean that I have some close friends. I do have a few, that when I see them, we pick up where we left off from, but once again, I believe that is because of the vast distance between us. We've had some pretty strong experiences between us, and things like that don't slip away. I'm grateful and thankful for them, but I know that I can't simply call them up and ask if they want to do anything. It just wouldn't happen. They would become like all those other people, and I would end up disappointed in them, so I don't ask them for anything.

     Back to that prefect storm thing again. The other part that got me thinking about all of this, was the online dating thing. I still have yet to get even the smallest of responses from messages that I've sent out. Not even a thank you but no thank you. I'm really not sure at all on how to take that. Is it me, is it what I have written that represents me, is it the pictures of me, did I say something insanely stupid in what I sent them. I doubt it is the latter. I always try and write something based on what they have written in their profile. I ask question to learn more about them. I don't just say "Hey, what's up?". They put the time and thought into what they wanted to say, so I read it, and base my message on that, so that brings it down to all the other things. That's when I start wondering, what exactly is it about me that repels people so.

     All of this lack of everything spirals into my head, and spins me out of control. I have good friends, but not close friends. I have passions but no one to share them with. When I experience something new, it is almost always alone. This is the life of a hermit, but usually the hermit is the person that wants to live that way. Am I just self destructing all these relationships, because in reality I want to live like a hermit? I'm really starting to wonder.

     I debated for several days on whether or not I should write this but then I remembered why I started doing this in the first place, and that was truth in writing. I have always said that I would be completely honest with this, and this is it. In the end, I had no choice but to write this, this is what this is all about.

     Don't worry about me, I'll be fine. As I said, this is something that I've lived with my entire life. From when I was that little 8 year old kid on his birthday that no one showed up to, because they had other plans, to now, when I'm a grown man that sees no future of a relationship that has any lasting substance. If the gods exist then this is their way of telling me from a very early age, that this is how it's supposed to be. I got Morty and I got Saki, what else do I need? Peace in and goodnight.