I love the smell of Night Blooming Jasmine. I was just outside before walking in here to write this, and the air was full of it's scent. People always ask, "What would you like your last meal to be if you had a choice?", but no one ever asks, what would be the last scent you could experience before you died. Scent can create so many feelings and images in our minds. When you smell a food that you like, your mouth waters and you begin to taste the flavors that are from that item. When you smell a dusty old book, it takes you back to memories of walking around a library for the first time. When you smell a cologne or perfume, it can remind you of that special someone that was a big part of your life, but is no longer there for one reason or another. For me, that final scent, would be Night Blooming Jasmine. It reminds me of cool nights, with a light breeze. The sky is clear with ample stars twinkling in the field of black. The sounds of crickets chirping, and distant sounds of humanity waft through the air. The delicate scent of those tiny little flowers, that calm me, no matter what mood I'm in.
I didn't sleep much last night, because I was deep in thought. So much so, that it kept me up well past 3 AM. It all stemmed from a movie that I watched, it was called Love, Simon. Before I get into the details of what the movie is about, I just wanted to mention how it was shot. It reminded me of the John Hughes movies from the 80's. You know the ones, Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club, Pretty In Pink, and so many more. There were scenes straight out of those movies, in this one, so if you are a fan of those old movies, give this one a try for that reason alone.
Now, for the content of the movie. It is about a teenage boy that is coming of age in his sexual enlightenment. His name is of course, Simon. The school has this online kind of gossip page, where students can post things anonymously. One night someone posts about the fact that they are gay, and have not come out to anyone. Simon reads this and relates, because he is in the same boat. He is gay and has not come out to family or friends. He feels a sense of freedom communicating back and forth with the person that wrote the original post via email. To get to the point, he accidentally leaves his email open on a computer at school and another student sees it. The other student takes screen shots of the correspondence and blackmails Simon to help him get a date with one of his female friends, or he will post the images. Simon helps the guy at the expense of his own friends happiness to keep his secret, but then it all falls apart when the guy flames out in an enormous display of affection for the girl to try and finally win her over. The guy wants to take the spotlight off himself, and posts the images of the emails. Simon's life is turned upside down. His friends leave him because he was trying to avoid them from being together, for the sake of helping the blackmailer, and his oldest and best friend leaves him, because she was secretly in love with him and he couldn't see it.
As in all John Hughes films, there is a happy ending. Simon finally meets the anonymous person and they have instant chemistry, but that really isn't what I want to talk about tonight. On the night of the big Halloween party, where Simon breaks lose of his uptight normal self to try and open up to the guy he things might be the anonymous writer, his best friend tells him something, in hopes that he will get the hint (see above for him not getting the hint). She asked him if he ever has the feeling that he just doesn't belong anywhere. That is the line that had me deep in thought. It got me thinking about where I am, and who I am, and what I'm doing.
It brought me to this resolution. I know who I am, but I have no idea, where I am, and what I'm doing. It also made me realize that I don't belong anywhere. Here's where this gets hard to write. I have always been attracted to women, and that hasn't changed, but I'm really bad at taking it from the getting to know you stage, to the going out stage. It has always been my problem, I'm a naturally shy person, regardless of if you know me well or not, that is a fact that has been a part of me my whole life. When it comes to women, and taking it to that next level, I'm shy. That is why I don't belong in the heterosexual community. I have never had a desire to be with a man, but I can't rule out the possibility, that maybe, there is a man out there that may truly appeal to me. That being said, the times I have felt most comfortable when I was hanging out in bars, was when I was in gay night clubs. I just felt free there, and maybe that was because I had no desires there. There was no need to impress anyone. For that reason I don't belong in the LGBTQ community. I have found recently, that I am attracted to some transgendered women. I can't really say why, but there is a definitive attraction there. I can't say for certain I wouldn't act on it if given the opportunity to date a transgender woman. I can't say that I would either, for that reason I don't belong, well I guess that still remains in the LGBTQ community, since the T does stand for transgender.
The term for someone that is attracted to anyone regardless of gender, sexuality, or anything else is known as Pan Sexual. I don't feel that I belong there either. I don't truly know if I am, as I said, I can see the possibility of these things, but since I have no knowledge of whether of not I would act on any opportunities, I can't really call myself that either. I don't know where I belong, if anywhere. That thought had me awake for hours last night, and has been on my mind all day. That thought is why I will be deleting the account I created on that online dating site Sunday, tomorrow. I can't attempt to get into a relationship when I have no idea where I belong.
This thought doesn't make me sad, or happy, or anything really. I just feel a little numb. Coming to grips with not belonging possibly being where I am supposed to be.
The one thing I do know, is writing. This, what I'm writing about right now, is why I began writing this blog in the first place. The unanswerable questions, that plague my mind and keep me awake. These thoughts have had me thinking more about the YouTube channel as well. I had this big plan to create a montage style of video for Sunday, but I'm rethinking that whole idea. Another video popped into my head, and I may do that instead, but it won't be up on Sunday. I'm going to take a week off of video releases, so there won't be one up tomorrow, nor will there be one up Sunday. I really want to give some thought to this video idea, and see where it takes me. I'm not going to scrap all the footage I have, I'm just going to save it for another time. I can see aspects of this new video in my head, and I like where it is going, but I don't know what I'm going to talk about in it. Yes, it is going to be me doing a lot of talking to the camera. Well, not a lot of talking, I still plan on keeping the video under 5 minutes, or in that area. I have the concept, I just need the filler. It will come to me, maybe after another sleepless night.
This is where I would put FSOTW, but I don't think it belongs in this tonight. I think my words will just have to speak for themselves tonight. Peace in and goodnight.
So very well stated and not surprising to me at all. Perhaps because I've always sensed the essence of you - the deeper you, the part that matters. I think it's beautiful that you are at a place of realizing that you don't have to fit into the boxes that we create conceptually, as it relates to sexuality. My last girlfriend was at a place of identifying as pansexual, but eventually she began to feel more gay...but you know, I've noticed that just like sooooo many humans, most who won't admit it, I've wandered along the semi-bell curve of human sexuality over the decades. And I really believe that becoming fully human means accepting and cherishing in a mature manner, what it is that I am. And the truth is that I just don't fit neatly into any category. Especially as I age, I fit less and less into any categories. LOL. And since my accident, well, I think that has pushed some aspects along, as I have so much metal in my pelvis, and this could be TMI, but I don't really care, that the sexual components of relationships really could be painful or problematic for me. I don't know that for sure, but I do know that doctors say it and some yogic asanas are painful. And I'm okay with that. Companionship in a different form sort of came along for me emotionally and physically, together, even though one came sooner because of an accident that was nearly fatal. But what I know is just people, and whether or not I can bond in a trusting way...well I could go on and on about this. But I was very happy to see this blog piece. Very happy indeed. Kudos dear friend. Kudos. :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you.
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