Panic Attacks Suck

     Today has been a mitigated disaster, with a calm ending. One of the best things about being me, is not just living with depression, but the added bonus of having anxiety and panic attacks. That was today. I woke up, and checked through everything to see how it was going, and saw that there was no movement on any of my projects. No views, no reads, no nothing. That set off the anxiety. I started panicking about how this is going to work out. I know it's still early in the process, but you can't tell my anxiety that. Anxiety doesn't care about logic. Logic and anxiety don't go together.

     I had a video go live yesterday, no views. I went out during the fireworks at night, and put the drone up in the air and filmed for as long as the drone would let me. Then I transferred it to my MacBook, edited, rendered, and uploaded in a matter of hours. Just a fun little video that would show you fireworks from a different perspective, no views. I checked Medium for how The Patchwork Knight was doing. Two posts have a grand total of 7 views, with no reads. Those would be the last two chapters that I posted. It's a bummer, but in my head, I know this is a long process, and that the short term doesn't really matter. Once again, anxiety doesn't play the logic game, so you can see how things began spiraling out of control. Add on top of that, tomorrow is the first time I will pay bills while being unemployed. Money going out, no money coming in. That also sets of a series of panic attacks that lead all the way til tonight.

     Here is how I deal with that, and how I have always dealt with that. I find something to take my mind off of it. Early in the day, it was working on the logo for the PR. I got the outline and guide colors down, and done. I need to next do the hard part, and that is start painting. The goal is to have a logo that will blow your mind, but it will put my color blending to an absolute test. I honestly don't know if I can do it, but I've given myself two weeks to complete this painting the way I want it to be. It took me several hours to get just that base down so that I will know what I'm doing when I begin painting. It settled my mind for a while. Then it was time to go to my guitar lesson.

     The drive started out fine, but then the panic attack began anew. I had nothing to do by drive and think about my current failure. Nothing is going in the right direction. Nothing is happening for the story I'm writing. Nobody is viewing the videos that I make. Those are the things that are going through my head. There is that little voice that keeps saying, "Be patient.", but that voice is hard to hear over the screams of all the other things. I made it to my guitar lesson and through it, but I had to go to the bank and transfer funds from savings to checking. Guess what was the stimulus for the next panic attack.

     I'm hoping you guessed the drive to the bank and watching my money go down and not up. Here is where things turned around a bit. Somehow, I don't know how, but somehow I had more money in the bank than I remembered. I was worried that I would have to move more over to handle my bills, but I ended up with a larger amount than I thought. I haven't hit my big safety net yet. The money I'm going to live off of for the next few months before I absolutely have to look for another job. I'm in the clear by a greater margin than I thought and that calmed me down finally.

     I'm tired and over stressed from the day. Even though the anxiety has left me for now, I can still feel the affect of it. It wears you down. And before you go, "Things will get better.", everyone that suffers from depression and anxiety know that. We know it gets better, but sometimes it becomes very hard to see that fact. We listen to the loudest voices in our heads, and those are the ones that push self doubt, and negative thoughts. I did read something today that had to do with getting negativity out of your life. The thing they were focusing on was not saying sorry. For instance: if you are late for something, instead of saying, "sorry I'm late." say, "Thank you for waiting for me.". It's something so simple but very difficult to do. If you can do it though, you will turn a negative into a positive. It's no longer a bad thing that you are late, you are giving credit to the person for waiting. Replace sorry with thank you. It's a very minor thing to do, but isn't the devil in the details as they say. Yes, I know that just turned a negative into a positive into a negative, but you can see where I'm going with this.

     Just like I was focusing on the negativity today, most people in this world grab hold of negativity without even know it. Always apologizing is not a good thing, so if you can eliminate that in a positive way, you will be better off. It's why I try to help people and do RAK's. It's why I write this and make videos. I want to bring a little positivity to the world, and this is the way I know how to do it. I'm going to leave you with the video I did last night. Just take a few minutes (it's less than 4) and see the world from a different perspective. This world is beautiful place, and sometimes we need to see it from a different point of view to remember that.

Peace in and goodnight.