It's been a weird day, but in a good way. Before we get to all of that, I need to give you the Mom update. She is home and resting comfortably in her own bed, which is something she has been wanting to do since she regained consciousness in the parking lot of Publix. The thing that was holding her in the hospital was an ultrasound to check her heart. She has a heart murmur from a leaky valve. They thought that it could have been the culprit behind her passing out, but the tests came back normal, so she was finally able to come home.
It was rough watching her in there, fortunately since I don't have a job right now, I was able to spend a lot of time in the hospital with her, but it sapped her energy. She became this very fragile woman that could barely walk. She doesn't get around like she once did, but not like that. That place was sapping the life out of her. Her personal doctor wanted her out of there two days earlier, because of her dementia. It isn't good for her to be in an unfamiliar place, and the second night she was there, she woke up in a panic, and pulled out her IV and heart monitor wires.
She is doing much better now. She still needs to build her strength back up, and her energy is starting to return, but this took a very big toll on her. Here is the thing. People always say that they wish they could have been there, when someone dies or is dying. I've watched m father die, and it wasn't fun. Yes, there is a part of me that was glad I was there at the end, but if I could have avoided all that direct pain, I would. This is what is happening now, I don't know how much time my mom has left, and I'm going to be watching her die, and it is hard. If you are lucky, you will never get the chance to watch a loved one die. It creates a lasting impression on you, one that isn't easily covered but remembering them how they were. The were you remember is the last way you saw them, and it isn't a good memory. Be very thankful if you have never had to watch someone deteriorate before you. My father went fast, but I was there when he collapsed and had a heart attack. I was there, to perform CPR on him until paramedics came, and then had to continue until they could set things up for him. It's a memory I wish I didn't have, and I know, that I will have more memories coming that I will also wish that I never had. For the past several days, I have been reliving Sunday afternoon through my head. I walk out of the store, I tell my mom to hold onto the cart because she looks like she is struggling a bit. I open the door for her and load the groceries in the back. I walk the cart to the corral, I turn and see her falling to the ground. I run to her, and lift her head off the ground and see nothing in her eyes. I hear a rattle in her breathing and think, this is the last living image of my mother. I see her come back slightly and I begin to call 911. People are standing around and trying to help. The fire department and paramedics show up and say that they will take over. I answer questions for an EMT. I watch them load her up to go to the ER. I get in my car and head home knowing that no matter what, I will be waiting to get in and see her. I arrive and go right in, and she is awake and clear headed. I'm relieved, but then have to go through the next few days watching her spiral down form being stuck in a hospital bad on "Fall Risk", where and alarm goes off every time she gets out of bed to go the the bathroom. I really hope that you never have to go through any of this.
Enough with the bad memories and things that will bring you down. I had a video go live yesterday and it did pretty well. Well for me any way. I did get help form a fellow YouTuber by the name of That Guy Ken. He's a good guy and helped me out by sending some people my way to check out my video. It was a bit of a thrill. Anyway here is the video so that you can see exactly what I did to Saki.
It's kind of funny how many people that that I was talking about Purple Cush when I said that everyone needs a little purple in their life. I'm a huge Prince fan, when I think purple I think the color and then the Purple One himself. That's just me though I didn't take any offense by it, but I did think it was funny.
I was overjoyed to sneak in a 10 second clip of one of my new favorite songs in the beginning. If you can figure out what song that is, you get a prize. That prize would be the satisfaction of knowing you are correct.
I do have some other big announcements, but I can't tell you right now. One is a secret project I'm working on, and the other, I kind of want to save for a video, since I need one for Sunday morning, and I have nothing ready yet. So, those announcements will have to wait.
I can get to the strange day now. It was strange only because of one specific incident, that I have now been thinking about since it happened. This is me getting trapped in my own head. This is where the panic and anxiety can come from, but I don't know if it will in this case. I was having lunch with a friend and he mentioned something. He was talking to a friend of his. I happen to know this friend in, I guess you could say casual passing. She is a dancer, that I have talked to before when I have gone to the strip clubs with him. She is a very attractive and cool young woman. In their conversation I guess she mentioned that she had broken up with her boyfriend recently. He being the mensch that he is, threw my name out there. It was more, "hey that guy I do The Pepperoni Report is single." Her response, "He doesn't like me." My first response was, why would she think that? He actually had the answer. The last time I was there with him, which was nearly two years ago now, she had asked me if I wanted a dance. I said no, because, well frankly I was broke. I did notice that she walked away dejected, and I felt bad, but I always feel bad when I tell someone no. That's part of how I get wrapped into doing a ton of things for people. I of course told him and he of course knew that it wasn't a case of me not liking her, and he told her as much. That was it, until I got home, and then I started dissecting the conversation again, and this is where I start getting myself into trouble of overthinking things. I started rounding on what she had said. "He doesn't like me." Why was that the first thing she said? Why wasn't, "Oh, he's nice and all, but he is too (take your pick of descriptive modifiers here)." Here is where I start putting false hope and definite doubt in my own head, which is what causes some of these panic attacks. Was her response an admission of attraction? She couldn't possibly be attracted to me. She is far to attractive and young to be noticing anyone like me. It doesn't matter that we had a wonderful conversation about common interests (she's a bit of a comic nerd). Yes, we talked about Batman and comics at a strip club. I told you that I'm no good with women, what part of that don't you understand. Anyway, once I start putting that into my head, I wrestle mentally with this hole back and forth concept for hours. This was at lunch when he told me that, it is now 10:35 at night and the whole conversation is still going through my head, and wanting to know unanswerable questions. I'm basically spinning myself into a tizzy. Now that is a sentence I thought I would never write.
This is what I will do with all that information, and all that back and forth in my head. Nothing. Yep, I will do absolutely nothing. You know why? Because it is so much safer than stepping out of my skin, taking a chance on her liking me, and then her saying no. I am a complete and utter disaster. Now that's a title. I need to go to bed and think all this over a whole ton more too much. I also have to work on that secret project tomorrow. Don't worry, I will tell you about it when the time is right, but not until then. I need to keep this one to myself for now. It's coming though, and it is going to be a lot of work for me. Peace in and goodnight.
❤️😘
ReplyDelete