Today has been rough. I haven't gone down this far in the spiral for a very long time, and it is hitting me hard. I think it's a culmination of things. The cough is still being persistent. I released a review for the TPR that isn't seeing good numbers. I released two other videos of my own this weekend, that aren't seeing any kind of numbers, and I still haven't written The Patchwork Knight this week.
The last one is what I believe is the biggest part of this. Yesterday and today were my goal days for getting chapters done, but I couldn't bring myself to write. Every time I would sit down with the intention, instant dread would come over me. That uncontrollable panic that is the cornerstone of anxiety is attacking me. I wanted to just lay in bed all day today, but I just couldn't do that. I had to get up and do something.
I promoted my video today when it released. I uploaded the video that I launched yesterday on Facebook to see what kind of reaction it would garner (which is little so far), and I practiced guitar for an hour or so. That was even frustrating. My fingers are still fumbling in areas that they should be starting to find their path. I'm going to blame it all on today, and start over again tomorrow. I need to get out of this.
Getting out of this will only come with time and effort, that is why I'm writing this now. I had the thought of just not writing at all. Skipping the whole thing. What would happen if I just took a day off from doing this blog? Nothing right? I doubt that. It would set a precedent of me allowing the darkness to win, and I don't want to do that. Keeping with the pressing forward mentality. Let's just get those videos out of the way now. The first one is a very short one, only 28 seconds. I normally wouldn't post clips like this, but this one was funny to me. While I was out getting a video together for today (that's the second video by the way), a guy was trimming some bushes with a bladed weedwacker. As I was approaching him, he turned suddenly into the middle of the road with the spinning blade towards me. I had to swerve to the other side of the road so as not to get hit. I know he wasn't gunning for me, it was just a simple accident, but I found it funny and thought it would be fun to share, so here is that video.
The second video is just a little update on what is going on, plus I offer a question up to the viewer, so give it a watch and give me an answer, I'm doing to know.
One bright spot of this weekend, was watching DareDevil. Season three is out now, and it is fantastic. Wilson Fisk gets his monicker of Kingpin, and the reveal the new big baddie of Bullseye. If you haven't watched it yet, take the time and watch the newest season. There are 13 hour long episodes and they go by fast. I got them all in in two days time, and I wish there were ten more episodes.
Hopefully I will being filming a new video for Wednesday tomorrow, and it should be fun and a little disturbing. It all depends on the release of a certain product, and whether or not it is available close by. I think this video could be a bit of a PSA for anyone interested in trying this product. I'm going to bite the bullet on this one, so you don't have to. I also have a TPR to do on Tuesday, which means I will be busy editing video and writing a review for that. I'm going to work on my Halloween video this week as well, and then I have to get a video ready for Sunday. I still have to do some more Remember Whens, so I may just get those ready so I can have one for Sunday, instead of a big video edit to do. Although I am getting new tires for Saki on Friday, so I could conceivably do a video about that, that could be fun.
I have a busy week planned this week, and that should take my mind out of this spiral, but the one thing I haven't planned for is, time to write The Patchwork Knight, so I need to commit myself to writing every morning this week. I need to force this. It isn't writer's block that has me, it is me getting in my own way, and forcing the issue is sometimes what it takes to get things done. Depression isn't easy, and I'm not trying to say that if I just focus and push it will be gone, because that isn't how this works, but it is something that works for me. If you have depression, you can give it a try, but I won't promise you anything will come of it. You have to find the things that work for you, and today has been a never-ending failure for me, so it doesn't always work like I want it to. I can just hand on and hope that tomorrow is better. Peace in and goodnight.
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