I have a lot to say tonight, and a short time to do it, so I'm going to try my best to keep it short, for several reasons. This isn't going to be a post that you want to read, but it is a post that I need to write.
I didn't write last night. I didn't want to write last night. I was tired, I was going through a bunch of things, and I have been going down the spiral. Yeah, you know the spiral. Tonight though, I needed to write. Not only to make up for not writing last night, but for my own sanity. I have never been shy about dealing with my depression, or that I have suicidal thoughts and tendencies. This week is going down hill quickly, and there are so many things going on, and I truly don't know if I will survive the next few weeks.
This isn't a cry for help, this isn't an ask for sympathy, this isn't a final notice either. What this is, is me talking through my own demons. Those demons being depression and suicide. I'm not going to go into detail of why I'm spiraling right now, what I am going to go into detail about is what I'm doing right now, and what I may do in the future.
Here is what I'm doing right now. I'm writing. That is the one thing I can always count on taking my mind away from the spiral. It may be for a short time, but it is time away from it. Even now as I write about the spiral itself, I'm taken away. When I write, I enter a different world. Whether it be reliving events of the day, where I'm transported back to that moment, or I'm creating a story, where I'm taken to a world that only exists in my mind until I share it with you. Right now, I'm going day by day, the only way I know how.
The future, is another story. The future is wide open, and not written yet, but what I see in the future, is being gone. There are two reasons why that won't happen. My mom, and Morty. I think that if I was gone, it would kill my mom, and I don't want that at all. I want her to live her life to as full as she can and be as happy as she can. I can't leave Morty without knowing that he is going to be taken care of as I would take care of him, and I don't know if there is anyone that can do that. Morty is my whole world, and that keeps me here.
I know what you are thinking. This is a selfish thought and act. Here is the truth of that. When someone is going through this process of self elimination, it isn't a selfish act, it is a selfless act. We feel like this world will truly be a better place for those that we love and care about. I don't feel like that would be the case for everyone right now, so I battle on, one day at a time. I truly feel that the vast majority of people in my life would be better off without me in it. It seems like I am a giant screw up, and that if I wasn't here, that wouldn't slow them down from getting things done. I feel that their entire lives would be enriched by not having to deal with me on any kind of basis. I want to be forgotten. I don't want to be remembered. I want peoples lives to be better, but as I said before, my mom, and Morty's lives would be impacted, and I can't leave them.
I will do what I have done for so many years, and I will wait, and I will fight the thoughts that swirl around in my head, telling me that the spiral is a much better place, not just for me, but for everyone I know.
Here is the thing, despite all of this, I can still laugh, and maybe that is another thing that is keeping me around. Also, I hope to make others laugh and that is why there is a very special Favorite Song of the Week. I heard this earlier this week and want to share it with you. I hope that you will watch the whole thing, but I understand why you wouldn't watch a 14 minute video, so I will give you a summary of it until the 9 minute and 51 second mark, that is where you should watch it, if you watch it at all. This is a guy that took a viral video of a guy singing in court, and made a song out of it. He didn't just shoot a video of the song, which starts at the 9 minute and 51 second mark, but he films going through the whole process of creating the song, and he really does play on it and sing back up for the viral video guy. Now with all that, here is SodaHole with "I'm Sorry".
Pretty funny stuff right? One last thing before I go for tonight. I'm sure that this was hard to read. It was hard to write, but sometimes truth in writing is difficult, but that is what this blog has always been. I said it from the beginning, and I have said ti periodically as I just did. I started this blog with the main function being that this would all be written with honesty, and I have done that, with the exception of the short stories and The Patchwork Knight. Those of course were works of fiction, but I brought you into the process of writing an actual book. What is more honest than that. I shared with you the rough draft, and wrote several times on the process I was going through in writing it. I will always write this blog with honesty being my first priority, and some times the truth hurts.
Ok one last, one last thing. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I don't want encouragement or phrases to try and lift my spirits. I have never needed that, and I really don't want it. When I reached out to three people the last time I went deep in the spiral, I wasn't looking for any of those things, I was only looking for a connection, and I may do that again if I feel the need. I am where I am, and I am really the only one that can get me to the top of the spiral. Peace in and goodnight.
No comments:
Post a Comment