We Accept The Love We Feel We Deserve

     I am 47 years old, and I am in the second week of a new career, that has the potential to be quite lucrative. My mother is out of the woods and thriving. Everything is going great. My life couldn't be better right now, or could it? I guess the one thing that is missing in my life, is love. The saying goes, that we accept the love that we feel we deserve, and most of the time, that reference is implying that we accept far less than what we actually deserve, and only accept what we feel we deserve. What if you looked at it a different way?

     I bring all of this up, because I had a dream last night. This is unusual for me, because I don't dream often. I have been dreaming quite a lot lately though, and last night was a powerful one. It had to do with love, and well, that love I feel I deserve, but it was also complicated. Here it goes. It began with me seeing a friend of mine. We looked into each other's eyes and began kissing. It felt good and wrong. Good because it seemed natural, but wrong because this friend is part of a couple that I am friends with. the next scene was me questioning about what my other friend would think about what just happened. She told me, that she would work it out, and explain everything. The dream then jumped to me sleeping. I was laying on my side in bed when I felt a warm body lie next to me. It was her. I reached my arm back and placed my hand on the small of her back to feel her warmth even more. She reached back and placed her hand on top of mine. that is where it ended, but there was such an impact of emotion from that simple touch.

     I have never based love or relationships on sexual activity, and my dream reflected that in this instance. I woke with a mixture of emotions. I was horrified that I would be the reason that my friend would lose his relationship, because of me. I was elated because of the feeling of love that I had in that one touch of our hands, and I was saddened to realize that it was only a dream.

     The love I feel I deserve, is what I experienced in that dream. Don't get me wrong, it has nothing to do with the person. That is inconsequential. That was just a tool that my mind used to create adversity to arouse greater emotion. It worked, but the love I felt in the moment of that hand touch, is what I want to feel. That is the love that I deserve, and I will not settle for less. That is why I don't sleep around, and just jump on the closest warm body. I of course crave that warmth of another person, but that isn't the end goal, that touch is, and if I can't have it all, then there is no need for anything less. I will wait, and it will come. Things are going in the right direction in my life. I have a job that I like and enjoy. It will give me a lot of money if I work hard for it, and I have no problem with that. I finished The Patchwork Knight. I have creative outlets to express myself in all ways; photography, video making, writing, woodworking, and just art in general. When the time is right, that love will come into my life, and it will knock me over like a bulldozer. I will be literally and figuratively swept off my feet, and I want nothing less.

     Now that I am done expressing that giant existential coming of age, I do have one of those creative outlets to share with you. A new review from the TPR is available, and I do think this is my best video yet. I hope that you enjoy it.



     You may remember Slices as the place I took you to in the last CS video. The cold cheese slice is from there, and this is when I found out about that. This video just came together, like this was the only way it could have ended up. I put a lot of work into, and I'm very proud of it. I hope that you enjoyed it.

    Time for me to go to sleep.  I had to fight off sleep to write this, as I fell asleep watching TV for about a half hour. I'm hitting the sack and then heading into payday for the end of my second week at the new job. Peace in and goodnight.