It was a very bad day for my mom. I should have known is was going to be bad, when I was awoken at nearly 3 in the morning to all the lights on in the house. I had to explain to her what time it was and that she needed to go back to bed. This is after I only fell asleep around 1 am.
We had to wake up early so that she could go to the doctors, turns out it was for blood work and she hadn't fasted, because she wanted something light to eat. I didn't know any better, so I gave it to her, so her tests are going to be wonky. The day went on and I could see that she was falling deeper within her faded memory. When she does that she gets argumentative and sometimes violent. I try to be as calm as possible with her when I talk to calm her down as well, but that doesn't always work. She gets very paranoid and begins asking me questions, and when I answer them, she thinks it's a plot for some evil scheme. Then she gets on the topic of wanting to see her mother, and I usually side step that by telling her that we will go when we find the time, but sometimes, she gets real pointed with the questions, and I won't lie to her. I have to break it to her for, I don't know how many times, that her mother has passed away. Then she tells me I'm lying and that her son has left her in this place, and that she only wants to go home.
Se remembers Morty, and how he was at the old house, but she never seems to put it together that she is still in her house. These are the times when it is hard to play along with her and just be the guy that works there, she gets real personal with the question and when I can't answer her to who I am, and I say that I'm her son, she gets nasty, and tells me that I can't be her son, because her son isn't an ugly old man.
I know it's the dementia, and I do my best to look beyond it, but some things sting, and her telling me I'm not her son is one of them. I am alone in this, and although I've had certain people tell me that they would be there to help. I got the response I always get when I reach out to them. A phone that is disconnected or unavailable. This is why I do things on my own, no matter how difficult they may be. When I ask for help, I get excuses for why it won't be given. This is why I don't ask for help, or for anything else. It never comes. I'm sure I'll get some messages about how I'm overreacting and that I should have tried harder to make contact. I know I have my faults, and I except them, one of them is my inability to ask for help, but when I finally do, as I said above, I always get the same response, so I will be over dramatic, it's my right.
Now that she is in bed, and I'm exhausted from getting little sleep tonight, I can finally go to the bank and get money out for things that she has to do this week. My mom who doesn't remember who I am or where she is, has more of a social life than I do. I'm ok with that, It will give me time to write. I have had to sneak it in this week, so that I could spend all my time with her while she is awake. My free time is cardio in the morning and nights at the gym. I will survive this, but it is going to take a very steep toll on me.
I guess I should promote now. A new article comes out tomorrow at 5 for the website. It's a helpful little tip about keeping a workout diary. The blog goes into detail there, so I won't do it here. The latest review for the TPR is coming out on Thursday, back to it's normal time of 5pm for release. I think I messed up last time by trying a different time for the release, and got very few views of either the video or the blog. Oh well, live and learn. I'm coming more and more at grips with the fact that this next one is probably the last one I will do. I don't know if my buddy will be able to carry on without me, but if he wants it to continue, he will have to find a way. I'll give him suggestions and help out as much as I can. I'll even edit video that he shots, and rework the written piece for him, but he is going to have to do all the heavy lifting from now on.
I did start a 36 hour fast tonight. I nearly started a 48 yesterday, but wanted to have a post workout meal, so the fast started today and will end Thursday morning. I've come to find that I like the way I feel when I have no food in my belly. I still haven't figured out if that is a good or bad thing yet. I have a better sense of self when I'm starved, at least I think I do.
I have to get to the bank and then to sleep, so no FSOTW. Peace in and goodnight.
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